THE DANGERS OF EXPECTATIONS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

I think most of us have a long laundry list of expectations in a relationship, even more so if vows were exchanged. Is that not what a vow is, a promise to behave in a certain predictable way, day in and day out, year after year?

My expectations for my partner and my marriage looked like this:

1) My husband would be faithful to me.

2) My husband would be honest with me at all times about his thoughts, feelings and desires.

3) My husband would communicate openly to me his dreams and fears.

4) My husband would put me above all others and hold our relationship sacred.

5) My husband would always have my best interests at heart and have my back.

6) My husband was trustworthy and a “good” person.

7) My husband and I would continue on in our partnership until death do us part.

Pretty standard fare for a marriage yes?  You might have similar expectations of your marriage; I think most people do, married or not. Any significant relationship probably has an unspoken web of expectations encasing it. Clearly those were the big ticket expectations that I am acutely aware of now. There were a million other little daily expectations within our relationship as well, things that fall under the heading of common courtesy like letting the other person know if you were running late. I have only recently become aware of how much my expectations trip me up in my relationships, even to this day. Actually, my expectations trip me up daily. When the expectation is broken, I feel let down.

By the time you reach adulthood you are operating under, at minimum, gender, cultural, and familial expectations. You could also have religious or career expectations placed upon you as well. Take a moment to think about how those expectations define your day, your activities, your intentions, your internal dialogue, and your interactions within your most significant personal relationships. Does your wife expect you to take out the garbage because that is how her parents modeled a relationship to her, or because that is a “man’s job”? Has this ever created tension or an argument in our relationship? Is that expectation serving your relationship positively?

I see expectations as rigid rules of how someone should behave. I am the one setting those rules, and most of them are un-communicated to you. Good luck with that, I hope you passed mind-reading for beginners. I further expect you to anticipate me having those expectations of you. Is that fair to you, or me? No. What would be fair is clear communication, minimizing expectations, and the expression of heartfelt gratitude. Is it even possible to build a long- term relationship without the seven big-ticket expectations I noted above? I don’t think that is a relationship I want to participate in.

I could, however, feel and express more gratitude on a regular basis when those key ingredients are being offered to me in an intimate context. We all have that choice. Instead of expecting your partner to be happy waking up next to you in the morning, why not choose a stance of gratitude that today they are choosing to share their life with you?

What I have learned is that without expectation, there is no disappointment. Another thing I have learned deeply is that having an expectation of someone else’s behavior can only lead to problems, as it suggests we have some control over that person. That perhaps we can manipulate the situation to a favorable outcome for ourselves based on our vested interests. When I have a moment of detachment and gratitude in my relationships I feel great peace and love about the relationship, the other and myself. Expectations always set you up for an emotionally-based response. Positive if the expectation is met, negative if the expectation is not met.

It is only through detachment and mindful observation of my thoughts that I have become aware of what is an expectation in a relationship versus a wish/desire, and it is only then that I can begin challenging these expectations on their usefulness. Actor Michael J. Fox is quoted as saying: “My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” Do my expectations promote wellness and loving calm within my intimate relationships, or do they set me up for failure? I was in the infancy of emotional control when I was working with my psychologist on expectations. Having graduated kindergarten now, I am ready to practice detaching from expectations. I am starting to replace, “you should have” with, “I am grateful for”. You need to know my failure rate is sitting at about 99 percent right now, but practice will lead to integration over time.

Here are some gratitude-based statements I could replace my seven marital expectations with:

1) I am grateful you choose me today, because I know you have a choice about where you direct your love and energy.

2) I am grateful for this honest conversation, because I know that intimacy and connection require brave vulnerability which is not easy or comfortable.

3) I am grateful you are sharing your dreams and fears with me, and I do not judge you for them.

4) I am grateful that you are directing a significant amount of your energy into our relationship when there are so many distractions in your day.

5) I am grateful for you disagreeing with me, because I know that you challenging me promotes my personal growth.

6) I am grateful for your consistent demonstration of trustworthy behavior and loving actions.

7) I am grateful that we have today; may we be blessed with tomorrow.

How much more peaceful would your relationship be if you relinquished some of your expectations, discussed other expectations, and threw in some gratitude along the way? I have recently come to understand that gratitude comes from a much deeper place in my soul. Appreciation is superficial, while gratitude dwells in reverence and love.

Written by Rebecca Wissink

edited.

Your views are most welcome...

HOW YOU COULD STOP DATING THE SAME KIND OF PERSON OVER AND OVER AGAIN

If you ask just about any relationship expert worth their salt, one thing that they are going to tell you is if you want to be in the relationship of your dreams (which is what I call “God’s best for you”), the first thing that you should do is step back and assess your past relational “nightmares”. OK, nightmare might be too strong of a word (perhaps), but if you’re past the age of 30 and you’re either single or divorced, you can probably admit that there were some relationships you experienced that were more like one long emotional roller coaster ride than a smooth sailing journey. Yes, why is it that we all want the same thing—true love—and yet, ironically, we keep ending up with the same thing: the wrong one? Or at least, the wrong one for us.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship, but as I look back on most of the guys that I’ve dated, there are actually more things that they had in common than not. On one hand, they all were very smart, funny and for the most part, ambitious. I like all of those qualities, for sure. On the other hand, they were passionate, but non- committal. Spiritual, but not spiritually mature. Interested in me, but not interested in marriage. At least with me. And you know what? It took being single (and abstinent) to be able to really see all of this for what it is; to be able to stop looking from “the inside out” and instead from “the outside in” of the cycle that I was in so that I could break it. So that I could stop dating the same person over and over (and over and over) again.

So, how can you know if you also have the habit of dating the same person over and over? So that you can stop doing the same thing and getting the same results? I’m so glad that you asked. Here are five ways to know: You’re not paying attention to the facts. One mistake that a lot of people make is confusing “dating” with being in an actual relationship. Meaning, just because you’ve checked out a movie with someone a few times, that doesn’t mean you two are in a relationship. But if it’s been about six months or more, you see and speak with one another on a regular basis (more than a couple of times per week) and—this is the real clincher—you both have established that you are in a relationship and then it comes to an end and within a month’s time you are back out dating, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re going to find yourself dating the same kind of person. That’s because initially, we tend to be drawn to the external qualities of a person. You know, how they look, how they approach us and how they initially make us feel. If we like what we see, we move forward to learn more. However, if you give yourself enough time in between relationships, you can learn how to listen for what I call “trigger lines”; flags that emerge from the very beginning.

One example is “I would love to go to dinner, I’ll get back to you later in the month.” That’s someone who probably means “I like meeting new people. It’s not a priority to me, though.” When a person is intentional about building something with you, their actions will show it. If a person wants to be in a serious relationship with you, they will say it.

That said, if you pay more attention to what you want something to be than what it actually is, if you romanticize situations instead of looking at the cold, hard facts, you will probably find yourself dating the same person over and over again. You don’t give yourself enough time to heal. Some of the dumbest advice ever is “The best way to get over a person is to get under a new one.” And yet, there are a lot of people who actually believe that.

First of all, sex does not make love. Sex celebrates love between two committed people (prayerfully, two married committed people). And besides, there are studies which indicate that sex creates a kind of euphoria that can make you think there is a stronger connection simply due to the physical attachment. So, the last thing that you need to do, for the sake of your mind, heart and spirit, is to end a relationship and rush out and get into another one; especially one that involves physical intimacy. When you don’t allow yourself time to heal from the pain that you experienced, you will find yourself trying to get someone to fill some of your internal voids rather than someone who will ultimately complement who you are as a whole human being. In other words, you’ll pick someone who is a lot like who you just broke up with because initially you’ll be looking for who made you feel like they did during the good times. The bad times won’t even show up on your radar. Until it’s too late. You keep putting the blame on “them” rather than looking within.

Here’s a huge blaring red flag that you have the tendency to date the same person over and over again: Each time a relationship ends, you chalk it up to all of the things that they did wrong rather than choosing to be self-introspective (which is a great benefit that comes with being single, by the way). If there always seem to be communication issues, why is that?

Are you a good listener?

Do you tend to be passive aggressive?

Do you rarely speak your mind?

If you keep dating people who want different things than you do, have you asked yourself “why”?

Is it because you’re too scared to ask about their future plans?

Is it because you’re hoping to change their mind?

Is it because you never say what you want or you’re willing to change the core of who you are in order to try and make the relationship work?

 The moment you are willing to be honest with yourself about the mistakes that you’ve made within your past relationships, the sooner you can correct them and attract a different kind of person as a direct result.

Your family members and friends tell you so. There are some people who feel that only teenagers should bring the person they are seeing around their family members and friends, but I actually couldn’t disagree more. After a couple of months, if you think that the relationship that you’re currently in is really heading somewhere, invite them to dinner at your parents’ home or go on a double date with one of your closest friends. If afterwards, your loved ones say to you “He’s really nice. He reminds me a lot of Jim” or “She’s cool. I can’t put my finger on it, but something about her reminds me of Samantha” that’s not something to shrug off. Remember, your family members and friends are going to be looking at who you’re dating without any kind of emotional bias (other than their love for you, of course). This means that if they notice something that’s oddly familiar, process that a bit. And if the familiar thing is not a good or healthy thing, you might need to pump your brakes a bit.

Your relationships basically end the same way. There’s one more thing that you should keep in mind: how the relationship ended. If a man is always telling you that emotionally, you tend to move too fast or a woman is always telling you that you’re too intense, that’s definitely something to ponder. One thing that most of the guys in my past told me was that I wasn’t clear about what I wanted. And you know what? I kept being vague and so I kept attracting guys who weren’t exactly sure how they felt about me or what they wanted from or with me. Beginnings are very important and endings are quite revelatory. In your quest to stop dating the same person over and over again and to ultimately end up with the right one for you, please make sure that you pay attention to both.

written by Sheille R. Warren

Your views are most welcome...

LOVE LESSONS FROM ACROSS THE WORLD: 4 THINGS DAD TAUGHT ME ABOUT LOVE

A TRIBUTE TO A DAD AT 70

 

My mother is a very vocal teacher. But my father? Like most men of his generation, he’s a man of few words. If I ask him for life advice, he’ll just tell me his three favorite idioms: “Honesty is the best policy,” “Look before you leap,” and “Make hay while the sun shines.” Hardly the stuff of TED talks. So with my dad — I had to instead learn by observing his actions and studying his life. This is his story. And this is what he’s taught me about love.

1. Love is Sacrifice: From Big to Small Things When he first met my mom, my father drove a loud sports car. He was a fiercely proud man who loved fine quality goods — my mother tells me he never bought anything discounted. And then he had us. Anyone who has kids knows these two things: your life changes to completely revolve around your kids, and kids are extremely expensive. So like all good parents, Dad learned to sacrifice. The sexy automobile went away for a practical family sedan. Money went from buying branded clothes to buying quality food for the kids. And the pride? We kids became the pride of his life. Dad buys discounted things now.

One specific memory always reminds me how much self-sacrificing love dad had for us: When I was about eight years old, dad took my sisters and me to watch a movie in the local cinema. I think it was Beauty And The Beast. I was too young to appreciate how beautiful Belle was, so I fell asleep. It would have been practical for Dad to just let me sleep till the movie ended — but instead he gently woke me, brought me out of the cinema, and drove me all the way home. After putting me to bed, he drove back to the cinema to rejoin my sisters. I’m still not sure why he went through all that trouble.

2. Love is Boundaries: Sometimes You Have To Say No While he really doted on us, Dad never went to the point of spoiling us. He would give us everything he could, but he had certain principles on which he would not compromise. He never had a problem disciplining us. One morning, I was feeling extremely lazy and balked at going to school. I rolled over in bed and said I was too sleepy. After thinking awhile, Dad said “OK.” I thought to myself, “Hey this is great!” and proceeded to waste the day playing at home. The next day I tried it again. And then I experienced the wrath of his fierce voice: “If you don’t get out of bed within three seconds…” I jumped out of bed quicker than I ever have.

For my Dad, boundaries didn’t mean the forty-year age gap between us. It didn’t mean being a hard disciplinarian whom I was afraid to approach. It just meant that sometimes when I crossed the line, he’d pull me back and say “No. That’s not acceptable.” He taught me how setting strong boundaries is fundamental for all relationships: home, work, friendly or romantic. Sometimes you just have to say no.

 3. Love is Responsibility: Even When You Don’t Feel Like It My Dad is far from perfect. He can be chauvinistic at times. He isn’t the most patient of people either — he still has that fiery temper of a young man. My mother could easily recite a list of things he could improve on. But as a father and a husband, he’s always been an example of responsibility. My family lost a lot of money during the Asian financial crisis of 1997. But even when things weren’t going well for Dad, there was always excellent food on the table for us. We were always taken care of in the highest standards possible. He separated those “adult issues” from us so we wouldn’t worry unnecessarily — and concentrate on doing well in school. All I knew was that Dad was frequently in a bad mood. I only found out years later from Mom what had happened.

I found out too that Dad used to smoke two to three packets of cigarettes a day. He could never quit, despite multiple attempts. And then Mom had me. He hasn’t smoked a cigarette since. Love is fulfilling your responsibilities, even if you don’t feel like it. And even when you feel like crap.

4. Love is Giving: Money Is a Blessing To Be Shared Above all, my father taught me generosity. When he first started work, he would faithfully send money back to help support his brothers’ children. He reminds me to never be stingy about helping others. He’s also been known to treat his friends and family with overly generous meals. It bugs Mom that he goes overboard, but that’s just the way he is. Dad has never looked at money as something to be hoarded, but a blessing to be shared. He has never been any good at keeping money, but has always been the best at spending it on others. I guess that’s why he’s so happy.

written by Aaron Tang for his Dad's 70th birthday

 Your views are most welcome...

TO HIM: BEFORE YOU GIVE HER THAT GIFT, PLEASE READ THIS!

In the ancient times guys give gifts that symbolizes fertility and faithfulness. Gifts from women don’t tell a guy much about that — so men should be pretty easy to please, gifts-wise. And they are. But women sense the symbolism behind what you give. And they should. Because they’re gambling on your Commitment. Betting badly can literally be a life- death, success-failure distinction for women and their kids, even now. Problem? Men’s ability to provide can be viewed on a balance sheet, but your desire to provide, which is far more important, is invisible. So women have to look for indirect signs of that commitment everywhere. And one of those signs, whether it’s the Twelfth day of Christmas or our twentieth anniversary, is what our true love gives to us.

Think Generosity

Stinginess conveys an unwillingness to provide that women universally despise. After all, there may have been women in the ancient past who didn’t care whether a man stuck around and kept bringing home the wild boar; but research suggests they’re part of history rather than ancestry. The genes that got carried forward to today’s women were those from the winning psychological bent. Great gifts are, therefore, never stingy. But expensive? If you’re in a new(er) relationship, science shows there’s something to it: in worldwide studies, women view a costly gift as a sign of your enduring commitment. Hence the enduring and global popularity of jewelry, especially during courtship. It’s both symbolic and expensive.

In long-standing marriages, costliness probably isn’t that important to most women. After all, you’re already proving every day that you want to be here, providing and listening and loving. Give a gift that shows cost without commitment, though, and you could actually ruin both your bank account and your relationship. One man wrote me that he’d been dumped after he bought a very expensive computer — one that cost more than many engagement rings — for his girlfriend of seven years. His gift basically said, “I could buy you a diamond; I could propose. I just won’t. Ever.”

Think Practicality?

Unless your darling point-blank asks you to buy her a food processor, major appliance, automotive part, or (Danger! Danger!) gym membership — DON’T. Even if she makes such an unorthodox request, comply while giving something that’s pure luxury, too. The union you save could be your own. A lot of men love receiving practical gifts. If a guy needs a briefcase or wrench set, he’s pleased to receive it. The end. Thing is, a lot of men who give dud gifts believe they’re giving great gifts; the women simply don’t see love in the practical gifts a man might appreciate and therefore give. Now is not the time to follow the Golden Rule. Don’t give her what she needs. Give her what she wants.

Think Intimately

Of course, some women don’t want to be asked what they want. If your sweetheart insists on being surprised, she’s asking you to show her that you pay attention to who she is. Select a gift that displays your intimate knowledge of what pleases her as a special and unique individual.

Nothing says “I love you” like “I know you!"

Upshot? Great gifts speak to women. And what they say is: “I want you, I love you, I notice you, and I know you. Thank you for being in my life.” If you convey all that and mean it — you’re pretty great, yourself.

Written by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.,
Edited




Your views are most welcome...

MY EXPERIENCE: BEING THE LAST LADY TO GET MARRIED AMONG MY FRIENDS (2)

UNRESPECTED

Our society tend to respect "the married" than singles. They believe when you are still single, you are not serious. A friend once asked me online " Bose igba wo ni wedding e" (when is your wedding) and I said " mi o ti se tan" (I'm not ready), guess what was his reply, he said O SERIOUS (You are un-serious)... so people believe, those that are single are the unserious and are people that are not ready for responsibilities. That is why people respect married man or woman of 21years than 31years old who is unmarried...

 Another example is my Pastor and the Reverend, the way they respect and treat married who are much more younger than I do is quite different from the way they treat me who is even more closer to them... So the society don't give much respect the unmarried.

The good aspect of it÷ Life is in phase, we have the positive and the negative side likewise the good and the bad in the issue of waiting. One enjoy waiting when God has place a task before you and you are able to understand it and carry it out. In my own case I had some younger girls with me, I do take them to life changing programmes and or meetings, and their positive response and feedback gives me joy. I usually put them through on their various projects, I taught them a lot of things related to life and health too, though it is tasking, but I must confess, I enjoy every bit of it!

Secondly waiting period is when you engage yourself in acquiring more skills and also in knowledge.

Thirdly waiting period is when you mingle, have fun with singles like yourself either around or on social network because when you are married there are limitations to your mingles.

The bad aspect

* Almost everyone thinks when you are due for marriage and you are still single (unmarried), you are having problem (spiritually).

* You will lack being respected

* You might might be made to feel ashamed

* Also with Feeling inferior to the married especially when you are the last person standing.

You may not enjoy your waiting if you don't have Dreams, Vision, or focus in life, and to carry that out you need a great supernatural power in you. Jesus the Christ is the one am presenting to you. All you need to do now is invite him into your life. He can give you new hope, He can comfort you, and give you self esteem when are others looking down on you...

Advice: * Get married on time if you have the opportunity, medically it is good.

* Waiting is fun most times, when the time of waiting is invested wisely.

WHAT HAS MARRYING LATE TAUGHT ME

Conclusively marrying late has really open my eyes to a lot of things in life both physically and spiritually which is now being of help and which will continue to be of help to me in the future. The first thing I will love to identify is

* It has really improve my spiritual life (prayer life and the knowledge of the word of God)

* It has given me a clear vision and understanding of what lies ahead.

* It has help me to cope with different people and tolerate them.

* It has prepare me for womanhood.

* My getting close to the married while still single and unmarried expose me to a large extent what marriage is all about through observation and various varying experience of friends and colleagues. though each marriage is unique, there common grounds!

written by Mrs. Abosede Omowumi Olu-Thomas.
edited.


Your views are most welcome...

MY EXPERIENCE: BEING THE LAST LADY TO GET MARRIED AMONG MY FRIENDS

Good day to you my friends, I am happy to be posting this today, why? because this message someone's life story that might help others experiencing what she had experienced.

Its actually like interview but with only one question to answer: What does it feels like to be the last person to get married among your friends or colleague as a lady? below is the answer of Omowunmi Abosede Olu-Thomas

There are certain things in life that is beyond one's control, and one of those things is the issue of marriage. initially my target and plan is to get married at the age of 25 or 26 but issues I couldn't help came up which derail the whole plan as set and that brings about waiting for a long period of time.

So answering the question above " how does it feel like to be one of the last person to get married among my friends" to be candid, most times I feel ashamed , lacking respect, inferior and so on...

Being Ashamed

There several people in my area and Church that we both attend the same Secondary school then, some are my mate while am a class or two ahead of others and they are all married now. But there was a particular lady amidst us, I was in Senior class 3 then she was still in Junior class. We both attended the same church before I got married and she is married then with three kids...

Another example is÷ there was a day I ran into my primary school classmate (a male) in my area, after a long chat he said he is married with kids, and then asked "iwo nko....se adugbo yi ni iwo ati oko e ngbe ni" meaning "what about you ...are you staying in this area with your husband" the irony was that it is believed that a lady of the same age with a guy will marry before him, and here I am being an exception! So a times I feel ashamed of myself that I am not married when such situations occurs.

to be continue...

Your views are most welcome...

A POEM: VANITY FAIR

I CAME ACROSS THIS WONDERFUL POEM THROUGH JUSTPURPOSE BLOG AND I THINK IT WORTH SHARING!

Written by Abobarin Ikeoluwa who has graciously permitted me to share it on this platform.

VANITY!

 Close your legs mum says

Preserve your body she prays

Premarital sex can be safe they lie

Believing the lies they die.

He will marry you in the end they teach

Please wait till then I preach.

Condoms can prevent sexually transmitted diseases

Its no barrier for the spiritually sexually transmitted diseases.

I know you can abort the baby

Not even soaking garri in Jik and Harpic can abort the guilt.

Yeah those drugs can prevent pregnancy

Sweetheart mi, they can’t prevent shattered glory!

You jump from Kate to Kim and you think you are a player

Honey please stop making yourself a loser.

You think it’s a joke? Ask Solomon the importer and exporter of “hot babes”

He will tell you all is VANITY!

Your views are most welcome...

I LOVE YOU... WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

WHAT DOES "I LOVE YOU" REALLY MEANS?

This was the question that came to my mind after I said the three letter word to one of my female friends after an intimate discussion but her reply, "thank you" got me thinking. Her reply hit me hard, then I question what should have been her response or reply? Thinking of other numerous responses I have gotten from other people with the same statement, launch me into trying to find out what exactly does "I LOVE YOU" mean!

 

From Yahoo Answers and other online site and Dictionaries, "I love you" is a declaration of Strong Affection; An affirmation of affection or deep caring Esp. to a family member; An affirmation of romantic feeling to a lover or spouse; A platonic expression of strong inclination or liking to a friend. In all what I can deduce is that it gives me the kind of relationship it could be use in (Family, friendship, love/marriage) and majorly the meaning of the phrase in all of the relationships is not EXACTLY the same! This account for the mixing and missing of its true and exact meaning each time it is said! Little wonder someone said the phrase "I love you" had been misused to the point that it has no meaning anymore! And I know a lot of people especially ladies believe that to be true.

 

But get this fact... The phrase meaning depend on the CONTEXT of the relationship; that it has lost its mean is not true but that both the speaker and the hearer might misread the intention.

 

Also, "I LOVE YOU" can mean something different each time it is said even by the same person! Get this, "I love you" is full of agendas, the agendum might be:

"I need you,"

"I want you,"

"I own you"

"Agree with me please" or "Now say you love me too."

 To some people through experience, their partner saying "I love you" to them have come to means "I want sex" or "I need some money!"

 My understanding now is that different people uses the phrase in ambiguous way and manner in their various relationships... to their family members, friends and even their spouses.

 

Conclusively, "I LOVE YOU" haven't lost it magic but both the speaker and hearer need to be more precise in its usage. Getting clear on what you really mean will help you to be a truly loving presence in your relationships. The people you love will feel free and even more loved by you because your intention to love is conscious and clear.

 

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE REAL MEANING OF "I LOVE YOU" IS NOT FOUND IN THE WORDS THEMSELVES, BUT IN THE INTENTION BEHIND THEM!

 

Parent, friends and lover note this... Never again leave you child(ren), friends and partner in the dark again... When you love tell them and when they trigger the love let them know what they have done to trigger you to saying it. And If you are the recipient of such outburst... Stop assuming if you are not clear... Seek clarification.

 

"I LOVE YOU" IS NEVER A COMPLIMENT BUT A DECLARATION OF AFFECTION!

 

P.S. For lovers "I love you" is much more different from "I'm in love with you"... Chose your words wisely!

#Love #I_love_you

 #I_am_in_love_with_you

#oluthomas

#oluthomas_sharing_the_love

Your views are most welcome...

THREE KEY POINTS TO RAISING CONFIDENT CHILDREN

We all know people who are secure with themselves and confident. We all know people who are insecure and lack self-confidence. The secure and confident people tend to have an easier time with the world around them. In his Hierarchy of Needs, Abraham Maslow outlines that insecurity and a lack of self- confidence may prevent us from: Developing healthy relationships Developing the esteem needed to achieve the life we desire Discover our purpose and passions I’m certainly not a perfect man or father, but trust me, you want your kids to be confident. Their lives will be easier and so will yours. If you are a parent and you view your role and responsibilities similar to me, what I’m about to share should add value. If you are a parent that has never made confidence a result you’ve committed to, you should. As I mentioned above; it will make your life easier.

 

To have confidence, our children must have security and stability. It’s hard to maintain a healthy and positive attitude and be all that you can be when you are in survival mode. One way we can give them security and stability is through the culture of our homes. Business leaders are responsible for the culture in their workplace. Athletic coaches are responsible for the culture within their teams. And as the leader of your family, you are responsible for the culture of your home. Here are three things you must have present in your home to create the stability to allow your child’s confidence to grow. Oh, and to keep your sanity! 1. Clear Roles 2. Clear Goals 3. Clear Expectations

 

1. Clear Roles Clear roles is pretty simple concept. You are the parent and they are the child. Not you are the friend and they are the friend. Or more like, you are the friend that is only treated with respect when they get their way. You are the parent and they are the child. This means you run the show, create the culture, set the rules, and enforce the rules. When the rules are followed, there must be acknowledgement and appreciation. When the rules aren’t followed, there must be consistent consequences. YOU RUN THE SHOW! That is your role. That is not their role. They are the child. If you set no boundaries, your children will see no boundaries and you’re going to have your hands full with a kid who thinks they are in charge and loses their mind when they are not. Now before I paint a picture that I am some communistic dictator, love has to be the foundation. I have an informal rule in my head that I need to love my kids twice as much as I have to discipline them. If you rule your home with an iron fist, your kids might listen out of fear or your perceived power, but they won’t trust you. When love is the foundation, they might not always like you, but they will trust and respect you. This will create all kinds of healthy emotional leverage that will work in everyone’s favor.

 

2. Clear Goals The best way to guide your children to stay on course is to talk to them about the clear destination or desired outcome. Proactively talk to them about what results you need to see and explain why it is good for them. Mentally and emotionally connect them to the end result and give them some freedom to figure out how they are going to achieve it. Help them set clear goals for themselves. Sure they are going to do stupid things and make mistakes along the way, but every stupid thing and mistake they make is an opportunity to BE THE PARENT and reconnect them to the CLEAR GOAL, yours or theirs. The line I came to use often with my daughter was “My goal is that you reach 18 with confidence and a good head on your shoulders.” We even got to the point where all I would have to say is “What’s my job?” and she would immediately roll her eyes at me and in her sarcastic voice “to guide me in the right direction so I’m confident”. With my son, even at six I say to him “Buddy, my job is to help you be a good boy, so you will grow up to be a good man.”

 

3. Clear Expectations Clear expectations are like clear goals, but different. Clear goals are about desired outcomes and clear expectations are about what kind of people they need to be to achieve the desired outcomes. What are their values? What are their standards? How do they need to show up? These clear expectations became the hierarchy of rules in our home as outlined in the picture on the right, which hangs in the kids’ rooms. If they want to enjoy the “LET’S HAVE FUN!”, the previous five expectations have to be met in some reasonable fashion. Remember, the end result is that your kids are confident. Confident people see and react to the world differently. They see things more productively and will handle life’s adversities better.

 

 

By establishing clear roles, clear goals, and clear expectations you are creating a culture within your home of love and stability. They know they are the child and you are the parent. They understand what the goals are and why they are important. They understand how they need to do things and show up to be successful.

 

Your views are most welcome...

ONE GOOD THING YOU ARE DOING TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT MIGHT NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 PEACE AT ALL COST!

 

Most of us try hard in our intimate relationships. We work at them. We want our partners to be happy and the benefits that come with that. And when we’ve found something—and someone—good, we don’t want to lose it and have to start over. So we soldier on. We struggle on the uphills, hoping to rest on the next plateau. We muddle through the dark periods until, often inexplicably, the light shines again. And we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard, while often silently resenting our partner for not trying hard enough, for not meeting us at least halfway. “If only he or she would … ” At least, that’s the way we see it; that’s the narrative we convince ourselves is truth. But what’s really happening is something different.

 

What’s really happening is we’re the ones fucking up. Consider this: Most relationships don’t suffer and break down from lack of effort; they suffer and break down from misdirected effort. Most relationships don’t disintegrate from either partner’s bad intentions; they disintegrate from good intentions that bring bad outcomes. One of the good things that is not always good for relationship is PRESERVING PEACE AT ANY PRICE. Stop preserving peace at any price.

 

We have two natural instincts when faced with anger—fight or flight, attack or retreat. Most of us don’t like fighting, though in some relationships constant fighting actually substitutes for a lack of real intimacy. But most of the time, we try to avoid confrontation, either by stifling our feelings or simply giving in to our partner’s demands. The first response is emotional suicide. The second is called appeasement. You give a little more and a little more and a little more of your "territory" to preserve peace. And with each successive slice you "cede", your resentment grows larger. You convince yourself that you’re being compassionate and understanding, that relationships are about compromise and accommodation, that we have to pick our battles, and that this one just isn’t worth it. But your losses keep accumulating.

 

What’s really happening is that you’re training your partner to disregard your boundaries, because you’ve made them permeable and irrelevant. It’s unlikely (except in abusive situations) that your partner wants to make you unhappy. But if you don’t complain, your unhappiness, which remains unspoken, isn’t an issue.

 

 

 

Speak up for what you care about. Say no if you don’t like it. Know your deal-breakers, and never give in on them. Strong boundaries for both partners make your relationship stronger, not weaker, because there’s less trampling all around. A peace purchased with self-sacrifice is not a peace at all. It’s the slow death of the soul masquerading as tranquility. BEWARE... WATCH IT!!!

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