DATING: Before The Game Start Again! (1)

VAL IS HERE, BEWARE OF THESE BEFORE YOU DATE!

We all wish that there were some way to make dating easier. More often than not, though, it can be a long, painful exercise in disappointment.

Over the years, I’ve gone through just about every permutation of dating frustration you can imagine — being unable to even talk to women, the first dates to nowhere, the second dates that never resulted in a third — you name it, I’ve done it. Even under the best of circumstances — and I’m saying this as someone who loves dating — it can be an infuriating, exasperating, exhausting process. And that exhaustion makes it even harder. Dating is a holistic experience; it’s something that encompasses your entire life, not just one sliver of it. Problems in your everyday life will be reflected in your dating life and issues in your dating life will affect your day to day existence, setting up a self-perpetuating loop of frustration.

This is why it’s important to recognize that sometimes the way we go about trying to date makes things harder on us. It doesn’t do any good to try to make dating simpler if all we do is end up shredding our souls in the process.

But we can avoid the most common ways that we end up complicating things needlessly and fighting our own progress. If we follow some simple rules, then we end up making dating easier… on ourselves.

Realize That It’s A Numbers Game

The first rule of dating is that you might have to approach or be approached by a lot of people to find love. Expecting to find The One (there is no One) right off the bat is a recipe for heartbreak. Going into every approach, every date under the assumption that this is going to be the last time you ever have to do this is going to drive you mad in short order. No matter how skilled you are of a Casanova, how good looking you are, or how whatever-you-might-be, you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. There are people who you simply aren’t compatible with or who aren’t going to like you no matter what you do.

Sometimes it’s incredibly obvious from the start that things aren’t going to work. These are going to be the people who reject you — or that you reject — right off the bat. But other times it isn’t obvious at all. Sometimes it may look like you’ve got some chemistry after all. Or that sure they trigger your Spidey-Sense but they’re so hot that maybe you’re willing to overlook it and see if that whole “only one head” rule you have is a deal-breaker or more of a guideline really.

This means that you’re going to end up with a lot of false positives. You’ll have long email conversations that trail off and never lead to meeting in person. You’ll have first dates that don’t go anywhere, second dates where you thought things went swimmingly but she won’t return your calls…

Yeah, it’s frustrating. But it’s also an inherent part of the process, and the sooner you recognize this, then the easier dating will be for you. A lot of people tend to have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating success; they think that they’re supposed to meet their One True Love and live in fairy-tale happiness ever after, and that’s just not how the universe works. It’s very, very unlikely that you’re going to meet a soul mate on the first try. It’s akin to buying a single lottery quick-pick and expecting to hit the Mega-Millions jackpot; it happens, but the odds against it are so astronomical that I don’t think they make numbers large enough to actually express the concept.

Believe it or not, this is a feature, not a bug. The savvy dater knows this, because it makes dating easier in the long run. Remembering that dating is a numbers game helps you be outcome independent – you go into each interaction with the attitude of “well, let’s see what happens” rather than “this person may be THE ONE”. It helps absorb the sting of rejection because you didn’t over-invest in this person right off the bat. It empowers you to take risks and approach more people because the more people you approach means opportunities to flirt (careful with that word… the positive not the negative) and build chemistry which lead to more opportunities for dates. The cliché “you miss all of the shots you don’t take” is absolutely true. The more you put yourself out there, the more chances you have for success.

Now, I already hear the cynics among you saying “yes, and it gives you more opportunities to be shot down.” Which is true, but part of making dating easier means that you have to…

Learn To Handle Rejection

Rejection happens. It sucks, but it’s a part of the game. There’s absolutely no getting around this. You’re going to get rejected. Anyone who tells you they never get rejected is either lying to you or selling something.

Sometimes you will get rejected a lot. But if you’re going to let it destroy you, then you’re never actually going to improve; you’ll end up taking chances  never unless there’s no risk and — spoiler alert — those don’t exist.

And I get it: rejection hurts. It feels personal, and sometimes it is. But often it isn’t a judgment on your worth as a person, just on how you’ve been presenting yourself to them. Many rejections are either a result of poor performance or a fundamental incompatibility. In the case of the former, you can learn from it; failure is how you refine your approach. In the case of the latter, then all that’s happened is that you’ve confirmed that it wouldn’t have worked in the first place. And often, your getting rejected has absolutely nothing to do with you. You may look like her ex. She may be in love with someone else. She may have had a bad day and didn’t want to deal with anyone. She might not want to date for the next several days.

Here’s some cold hard truth: you can do everything right and still get rejected. You can be the most objectively good looking, suavest person ever to glide into a room, who knows exactly what to say and when to say it…

…and still get shot down.

That’s just life, and either you can get up and try again or you can just lay there and bleed.

Here’s a secret though: the guys who can handle rejection with grace; The ones who can take a “no, thanks” with a smile and a nod and move on; They’re the ones who’re the most in demand, because they’re showing a level of confidence and an abundance mentality that is very attractive.  That one person may have shot them down but trust me, other people noticed how they handled it.

The better you can handle rejection, the easier dating will be for you.

Watch Your Attitude

You know who is pretty much always unattractive? Captain Negativity!

You know the guy: the one who’s pissed off and bitter about everything. Give him a moment and he’ll talk your ear off about how life sucks and everything’s unfair, how women are cruel because they won’t give him a chance and it’s all about those 20% of guys who get to fuck 80% of the women and everyone else is just screwed man. He’s the one who’s the first to complain about his dating life and then turn right around and get angry when you try to help him fix it. Everything’s too hard, or too arbitrary or too something and there’s no point in trying to fix it because reasons and also misandry so there.

Can’t imagine why they don’t have women lined up around the block, huh?

Dating is about 10% looks, 20% skill and 70% attitude.

To be continue… watch out for part 2!

 



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Dads Involment In Dating: Shall I Begin?

MY BODY, MY RULES!

DAD INVOLVEMENT IN DATING

Have you seen this shirt? It has been all over the place. I like to think of myself as a feminist father. And I agree with the shirt, mostly.

Here’s the problem with shirts and bumper stickers and #sound_bites. They boil everything down into a simple digestible message that, while catchy and convenient, is also easily misconstrued. I could see myself buying this shirt and wearing it proudly, only to have it come back and bite me in the ass when my 14-year-old daughter wants to create all the rules when it comes to dating. That’s not going to fly.

My being a #feminist father does not mean she gets to make the rules.

Here are my rules for my daughter.

1. You get to pick who you date.

I may not like them, and I may express my concern, but I don’t have veto power when it comes to who you like or love. I hope… I really hope that my opinion will still matter to you when you start dating, but I think that has more to do with my finding a way to remain relevant than your deciding that my opinion is still worth anything. I hope I love all the people you date. I hope you pick a person who see strength in you and love you for it, and accept your faith and believes. I hope your self-esteem is a gate through which only the worthy may pass, but you and only you get the final determination of who is worthy.

2. I get to pick when you date them and for how long.

By “how long” I don’t mean weeks/months/years. By “when and how long,” I mean days of the week and hours of the day. You live in my house, and I am responsible for your schedule. Most of the time, your schedule will be negotiable, and you will maintain the lion’s share of the control over it. But if you are slipping at school, if you are not keeping up on your share of the household responsibilities, if for some reason you decide to become a Bears fan, your schedule belongs to me and Snake will have to stand outside your window with a boom box.

3. You get to use me as an excuse.

In high school I had a girl tell me she was breaking up with me because she didn’t want to disappoint her father. I was being too forward and she said no (not sex, kissing, hugging, etc.). I was respectful, but bitter. I hated her dad for a long time for “oppressing” her. Years later, I found out that that is the lesson learned from their faith. They were that close. I hope we can be that close.

You can date whomever you want. But if you are in a situation that you shouldn’t feel comfortable in, and you want to blame your “oppressive asshole dad” for needing to leave or break up or whatever, go right ahead. I have been called an asshole for much worse reasons. I know that emotional honesty is a better way to go, but handy teenagers aren’t always the best with emotional honesty. So tell them I am your excuse!

4. You have to listen to me when we talk about sex, or at least pretend to listen.

You have to sit down.

You have to respond.

You can be embarrassed.

You can blush and bury your face in your hands when I say things like fallopian tubes and labia and… OK, I won’t say labia. I don’t know why I would need to say labia. The point is: we’re going to talk about sex before you start dating, when you start dating, and after you start dating! It isn’t going to be a taboo subject in our house. It isn’t going to be something that we are ashamed of, but it IS going to be something I ask you to respect. Sex is a big deal. It is a bond between you and another human being. It has the power to begin the ULTIMATE bond between you and another human being. It is our responsibility as parents to teach you about sex, its benefits AND its risks.

5. Your body. Your rules.

Yes your body is your rule, but when it comes to sex, you must be aware that your body is a temple where your maker commune with you… meaning you wouldn’t spoil, destroy, dent, and defile that sacred place.

Yes, your body is your rule; however, “My body is my rules” doesn’t give you an excuse to say “Hey, I’m happy with my body, I don’t care if I’m over weight. I will eat what I want and not care about anything because it’s my body.”

No! It is your body and you have right to make your own rules, but surely, the first rule should be, “I Shall Respect, Love, and Nurture my body.” Remember you will be accountable for that body one day!

I don’t know if these rules make me a #feminist_father. I’m sure I contradict myself somewhere within, or I will when the realities of raising a teenager become more apparent. Like Whitman said: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then… I contradict myself; I am large… I contain multitudes.”

I just want my daughter to know that I do view myself as her protector. And her brother. It’s my job. Not because I am a male, but because I am a parent.

Note: I reserve the right to amend or add to these rules as needed when I have to deal with an actual, live teenager. It’s nice to dream, though.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE "WAR AFFAIR": WARFARE!

Note: These rules apply to my son, too. I am just going to refer to my daughter so I don’t have to annoyingly write “her/him, they, my kids” this entire post.

An earlier version of this piece appeared on John Kinnear’s personal blog, Ask Your Dad.

Edited.

 



Your views and thoughts are most welcome...