5 THINGS YOUR HUSBAND WISHES YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM... WHICH HE WONT TELL YOU

There are many things your husband would love you to know about him. Sometimes though, he just won’t tell you. Even those in the best of marriages are often surprised when they realize they don’t know everything there is to know about their spouse. Is he purposely not sharing these things with you or has it been awhile since you had a deep conversation together? While the answer may be different for each couple, here are five things most men want their wives to know:

1. He loves you. You are his world though you may not think so. He does not always have an easy time expressing his feelings or sharing verbally with you—though he does show you in other ways. While you may prefer a hug or words of endearment, he may demonstrate his love when he buys you your favorite snack or mows the lawn.

2. Sometimes, he is embarrassed how you talk about him with your friends and/or in public. When you make a joke about how he can’t find anything, that he doesn’t listen to what you say, or that he is a hermit, he doesn’t always find it funny. When you criticize him in public he feels shamed. After awhile, these remarks begin to chip away at his trust in you as his loving partner.

3. He wants to be #1 (at least some of the time). Although he loves your devotion to the children, sometimes he feels left out. He wants to feel more important than the kids so that when he is talking to you and the children interrupt, you put him first instead of always attending to them. He is your full partner in parenting but he doesn’t want to compete for supermom’s attention. He wishes you would take interest in him, spend time with him, and go out once in a while. Showing your kids that your marriage comes first is a valuable lesson that will benefit them in the long-run even though they may be “kicking and screaming” when you leave them with a baby sitter.

4. His entire sense of self-worth is often directly connected to his ability to provide for you. If your husband is currently out of a job and you are experiencing tension in your relationship, it is no wonder why. He needs you to understand how hard it is for him when he can’t provide because he feels like a failure. When you get anxious about your financial situation, it makes him feel even worse because he feels that he has let you down. There is nothing more satisfying for a man than providing for his family. Realize that money is an extremely charged issue for both of you. Any discussion about the topic will be smoother if you are able to be more sensitive and focus on crunching numbers instead of battling fears.

5. He wants to be appreciated. He wants to know that you appreciate him for everything he does for you. He wants to know that you appreciate him for who he is. When you complain about all of the things he doesn’t do right, it is hard for him to feel that you value him. Keep in mind Dr John Gottman’s 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interchanges. For every one negative remark you make, try to think of five positive things to say, to counteract the negative effects of a critical word. While we may feel so busy with life’s to-do’s that we forget to express our appreciation, we seem to find time to share a complaint or frustration with our spouse. Try carving out a few minutes each day before bed where you share with your husband what you appreciate about him and why. Hopefully, he will do the same for you.

While these five things may not seem entirely surprising or profound, you would be amazed at the positive and immediate effect that these realizations will have on your marriage. By accepting the way your husband loves you, being careful about criticizing him, making him #1, monitoring your money fears, and expressing appreciation for him, you are showing him that you are willing to meet him half way towards a better and more fulfilling relationship.

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HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LOVE YOU...

How many times have you wanted to meet somebody but you were convinced that there was no way they’d like you? Or have you ever wished you could find a way to join a group of cool people and fit in like you’ve always belonged? Ever wish you could be one of those people who can just make friends the way other folks breathe? The sort of person who can just sit down with someone and have them feeling like they’ve known you for years, even though you’ve only just met? It’s actually easier than you’d think…

 

We’ve talked a lot about charm and charisma before, and what it takes to be a more fascinating, magnetic person. The key that underlies it all, to building a rapport and finding that connection, is simple: you have to be able to make people feel good. It’s called “the reward theory of attraction”; simply put, we like people who make us feel gratified and rewarded when we’re around them. If a relationship brings more pleasure than discomfort, then we find ourselves drawn to them and want that relationship to continue.

 

So let’s look at some of the secrets to making people like you.

 

1) Use Positive Non-Verbal Communication: I can’t stress enough how important non-verbal communication is when it comes to making a positive connection with somebody. The vast majority of our communication isn’t conveyed through our words, but through our bodies, our tone of voice, even the speed at which we talk. In fact, when our body language and our words are at odds with each other, it’s entirely possible to make people incredibly uncomfortable with you and want to get away from you. While your words may be positive, your closed off body language will be incongruent with what you’re saying and leave people feeling uneasy and confused.

 

Many men, for example, have been creepy by accident because while they may have had the best of intentions, their body language made them seem intimidating or even threatening and left people feeling uncomfortable. So the first key is to not give someone – especially women – the full frontal experience; that is, to standing toe to toe with them. Facing a stranger square on can feel intimidating; it can come across as though you’re trying to box them in. Instead, you want to angle yourself slightly away from them, which feels more accommodating and friendly. It sends the message that you don’t want them to feel cornered, as well as opening your body language.

 

The next key is to watch your head positioning. Yes, I realize that this seems like a nit-picky idea, but the tilt of your head actually communicates more non-verbally than you’d think. Tilting your chin up at someone gives the impression that you’re looking down your nose at them, which will convey a sense of arrogance or even disdain for the person you’re talking to. Tilting your chin down ever so slightly gives a feeling of being equal and approachable. Similarly, a slight tilt to the side communicates friendliness and gives the impression that you like them. Consider practicing these in the mirror; notice how different an innocuous phrase can seem when you’ve tilted your chin up vs. down. Keep in mind: this is a subtle tilt; you don’t want to look like you’ve broken your neck or you’re trying to pull your chin back through your face.

 

Third: slow your roll. A lot of people speak far too quickly under normal circumstances – myself included. It may be regional – people from Manhattan, the outer boroughs and New Jersey, for example – it may be an extroverted trait, or it may simply be that your brain runs faster than your mouth and you’re forever playing catch-up as your thoughts rocket along. Speaking for myself: I start talking faster the more excited (or nervous) I get; when I get on a roll, I can give the Micro-Machines guy 1 a run for his money. The problem is that when we speak quickly, it feels as though we’re trying to put one over on the person we’re talking to; we can’t dazzle them with our brilliance, so we want to baffle them with our bullshit. Think of a used car-salesman; you’re not sure how, but you just know he’s trying to scam you, so you instinctively don’t trust him. Deliberately slowing down your cadence makes you sound calmer and less anxious – and, more importantly, like you’re not about to sell them on your brilliant get rich quick scheme. And smile, dammit.

 

 

2) Get Them Talking About Themselves Cold hard truth: we’re all narcissistic to some degree. Even when we may not feel like we’re the hottest thing since World War III, we do like to believe that our inner lives and thoughts are fascinating. Just take a look at our social networks as we fill our days with Facebook status updates, Instagraming everything and tweeting about every aspect of our lives. We’re playing to an audience, even if that audience is just the people from high-school that we’ve reconnected with because we wanted to see if they were still hot and/or single. But believe it or not, there’s a reason for this beyond everyone being profoundly self-involved: as it turns out, talking about ourselves literally makes us feel good.

 

Scientists have found that talking about ourselves activates the same pleasure centers of the brain that are associated with food and money . So in short: we are our favorite subjects because goddamn it feels good to talk about ourselves. And since this fits in with the reward theory of attraction, getting people to talk about themselves is a valuable part of getting people to like you. The tricky part is keeping the ball rolling; it’s easy to trail off – or worse, make someone feel uncomfortable about dominating the entire conversation.

 

You have to be an active listener, taking what they say and bouncing it back by asking the right questions. You want to keep them positive; if someone tells you about the wacky mishap that happened on their date, and you mention that this is the sort of thing that would totally turn you off, you’ll have effectively punished them for disclosing a part of themselves. You want to ask questions that encourage them to keep talking about it, especially ones that help illustrate the scene. How did it go down, what did you do, how did you feel, what did they say? … these are questions that encourage your new friend to fill in the details and paint an even more interesting picture of their lives. Can’t think of any questions besides the standard “Who are you/what do you do for a living?” Try a simple cold read to prompt them. It doesn’t need to be accurate – although most cold-reads are designed to be almost universally applicable – it just needs get them started talking. All it takes is a slight prompt and your new friend will take it from there.

 

3) Ask For Help: One of the most popular tools in the pick-up artist toolbox is the opinion opener, asking strangers to give their opinions and advice about subjects from jealous girlfriends to 80s songs to whether men or women lie more. Part of the reason why it’s so popular isn’t just because it’s a low-stakes way of starting a conversation but because it almost immediately hooks people’s interest. We love giving advice to people. The sneaky part is that in asking for their advice, we’re also prompting them to warm up to us. You see, humans are very bad at understanding why we feel the way we do. We believe that our actions are based on our feelings or beliefs; we don’t like this person, so we won’t have anything to do with them. But more often than not, it’s actually reversed; our behavior actually forms our beliefs. It just feels like we’re in control. In short: free your ass and your mind will follow.

 

This is known as the Benjamin Franklin effect, after Franklin’s legendary technique for turning his bitterest rivals into his closest friends. Franklin would simply ask them for a favor – usually loaning him a book from their library. He would return the book later with a simple thank- you note… and the next time they would meet, his rival’s attitude would have changed so profoundly that they would often be close friends for the rest of their lives. Franklin was taking advantage of an effect known as cognitive dissonance - the tension between the man’s attitude (“I hate Ben Franklin”) and the fact that he just did a favor for a man he disliked. Our brains don’t like the tension; we prefer to at least feel-like we’re being ideologically consistent. And since he couldn’t change the behavior without inventing a time machine and retconning his own existence, he his attitude changed instead.

 

 

 

 

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TROUBLED MARRIAGE? HOW BEST TO DEAL WITH YOUR HUSBAND

SUCCEEDING IN A TROUBLED MARRIAGE

 

While growing up in Ogume, Ndokwa West Local Government Area of Delta State, I enjoyed listening to and learning from stories. The stories came through diverse means such as moonlight tales, band music, and work songs. This is not surprising because, in Ogume, a typical narrator is an orator, a singer, teacher and living encyclopedia.

 

One of the stories, I listened to through band music was about a man, his wife, a traditional doctor, a female lion and a goat. The man, prior to marrying his wife considered her the most beautiful woman on earth. He longed to get married to her. The woman, also considered him as her heart desire; eventually, they got married. However, few weeks after marriage rite, trouble set in. The man considered his wife a troublesome woman who often denied him life's basics. He complained, quarreled and fought; all to no avail. The wife, on the other hand, considered her husband to be an over-demanding man, who cared little about her. The house became uncomfortable for both of them. "This fell apart", the bond weakened and the house became a hostile ground . . . The woman recalled the day she got married to the man; how happy they were, their hope and aspirations; how all gave way for bitterness!

 

She decided to see a traditional doctor who would help in finding a solution to her troubled home. When she got to the doctor's operational ground (shrine), she was asked to walk into the court with bared feet; she did. The traditional doctor asked her, "Young woman, why are you here"? She narrated her story the troubled home.

 

When she finished, the doctor asked her to bring a goat; she did. The doctor asked her to go to the evil forest, where a lion is. Her goal is to go and bring the breast-milk of the female lion. It was an instruction she had to obey, considering her love for her husband and home, however, she was not ignorant of the danger such journey posed.

 

She began her journey to the evil forest, with the goat. After several days, she got to the evil forest. Not long she arrived, behold, the lion appeared. She hid herself behind a tree, crawled on her knees, praying and strategizing. Meanwhile, the lion was approaching her. As the lion was about to attack her, she threw the goat at the lion. As the lion laid its hands and teeth on the goat, she pressed a drop of the lion's breast milk into a cup and disappeared!

 

Her walking pace accelerated. "Getting the lion's breast milk will certainly enable the doctor to restore my troubled home", she thought. When she finally got to the doctor's court, she presented the lion's breast milk to him, expecting him to mix some substance with it . . . To her surprise, the doctor told her to go and utilize the same obedience, endurance, kneeling and strategy used in getting the lion's breast milk to relate to her husband. The woman began to cry saying "the traditional doctor has tricked me . . . "

 

Note: The traditional doctor did not trick her as she alleged. The doctor just told her that marrying a man, beyond loving him, entails patience, wisdom and prayer. May God bless your home.

 Written by Udoka Udo Udoka

 

 

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TEN SIGNS THAT SHOWS SHE MIGHT NOT BE THE ONE

 

1. She Never Talks – If you are dating somebody who is content to sit and never say a word, it is boring as hell. Maybe some guys like that, but for me it is impossible to relate to somebody who never has an opinion on anything.

 

2. She Calls Five Times A Day - Five times a day is too many times. You should be comfortable enough in your relationship to not have to check up on your partner after every trip to the bathroom.

 

3. She Wants To Get Married…To Anybody – This is a common theme, and I blame the patriarchy. Nonetheless, you should be careful dating somebody who hears wedding bells after the first date with any man, or who already owns a wedding dress. They might be more into the idea of marriage than actually marrying you.

 

4. She Never Introduces You - Have you ever been in a situation where you are with somebody, and they start talking to a friend in a bar, finish the conversation, and you realize that you were just standing there saying nothing the whole time, and they never bothered to make an introduction? I’ve been there, and heck…I’ve done it myself! It’s a jerk move, and it’s a particularly jerk move if you do it to your boy/girl friend. Don’t.

 

5. She Never Pays -Ok, I am happy to pay for meals from time to time, and I think men should pay on the first date because chivalry or whatever. Once you are in a relationship, however, things change. If you are both making money, you should both be willing to chip in. Dating somebody who never pays for drinks, food, tickets, clothes, or taxis gets old super fast. If you make your own money, contribute.

 

6. You Don’t Want Her To Meet Your Family - I rarely introduce my family to people I’m dating. Very rarely. I just don’t see the point unless it is going somewhere. If you don’t want her to meet your family, ever, then that is a good signal that this relationship has a definitive and short time span.

 

7. You Are Constantly Annoyed/ Frustrated/Depressed - If you feel like Al Bundy (classic TV reference), you are in the wrong relationship. You should love your partner. If you dread seeing her, or hearing her attack you, or listening to a horrifically boring story about cats, or having bad sex (or no sex), DTMF.

 

8. She Is Unpredictable, Quick To Anger/Sadness/Exuberance - Ok, this is not always the worst, as it could be a sign of passion. At the same time, somebody who is truly unpredictable can be very difficult to be in a relationship with, as you never know what’s going to happen next. The fantasy is the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, but the reality is spending hours on the phone listening to sobbing, alternated with screaming.

 

9. She Embarrasses You Constantly - You should want to hang with your friends and your girlfriend. You should want to be able to go to networking events or social functions with her. If you are always worried that she will be socially inappropriate or that she will act out, then you need to get out. You need to be sure that she won’t start yelling in an art gallery or telling dead baby jokes to your mother.

 

10. She Would Make a Terrible Mom - Well, not everybody wants kids, and if you don’t want kids maybe this doesn’t matter to you. I would argue that the qualities of a good mom apply to a good partner as well. Qualities like being loving, caring, thoughtful, funny, open-minded, and direct.

 

I am going to add a final thought… the right person for you really loves who you really are. More than anything else, they get what you are about, and that does it for them. You both just really like spending time together. You have a similar sense of humor. You are in the same place in your lives. You argue because you give a shit about each other. You are willing to make an investment. You have good sexual chemistry. Love is difficult to find or understand, and a string of bad relationships can leave you feeling pretty jaded. All I can say is that these experiences, hopefully, teach us more specifically what we want and what we don’t want in a relationship. They teach us to be able to spot something special, and how to play it cool. They teach us not to repeat our mistakes. They also teach us to be self-aware, and to work on our own anxieties and issues.

 

 

 

Your views are most welcome...

SATISFY YOUR WIFE WITHOUT SPENDING A DIME!

Kiss her like you miss her: Chances are you won’t be having sex every day. Well, maybe you will, but probably not. Anyway, if she likes it, you should definitely kiss her every day. A lot. When saying hello and saying goodbye, even if you’re going to be gone only a couple of hours. It keeps you connected. It lets her know you care about her. Hold her close and give her a passionate kiss. Frequently.

Cuddle morning and night: It’s good bonding to cuddle right before sleep, and right upon waking. Setting the alarm five minutes early to cuddle each other starts the day off right. Note: Cuddling doesn’t necessarily have to involve sex. Sometimes, it leads to it though. Feel free to enjoy those times.

 

Sleep naked: This obviously isn’t a requirement,'but I do think it’s good advice if you’re both naked in bed all night. It makes those aforementioned cuddles way more enjoyable, and gives the two of you better access to the fun stuff. It makes you think more about each other in sexual terms. You don’t want to ever stop thinking about each other sexually, and spending more time touching each other while naked – even when no sex is involved – helps keep you sexually connected.

 

Shower together: More naked time together = good. Again, it doesn’t necessarily mean sex. It’s just being naked together. Saves water too!

 

Get better at sex: We’re talking about keeping a marriage strong when others are getting divorce here, and if you keep getting better in the sack, she’s more likely willing to stick with you and settle issues. I’m not going to write a how-to-be-a-sexual-tyrannosaurus advice book.

 I know only a few things about getting better in bed, and I’ll share them: Have conversations about sex outside of having sex. Keep it light. Talk about things each of you like. Don’t take her comments as criticism, but as valuable feedback. Consider it a skill that takes time to develop and be determined to get better at it. Take pleasure in her pleasure. Think about you, sure, but think about her too. Listen to her voice. Pay attention to her moans and do more of stuff that has her making pleasurable sounds, and less of stuff that doesn’t. React to her body. Just like listening to her voice, you need to do the same with her body. Is she pulling away or tensing up with discomfort? Then you need to change your technique. Is she reacting like she wants to pull you through the mattress? That’s good. Do more of that. That’s what I got.

 

(Hey, I hate to post things like this on my blog but Tim & Beverly Lahaye makes me change my mind when I read their book, Act of Marriage. In fact, why aren't are Pastors talk about sex in marriage, even during marriage counseling sessions?) 

 

Okay, back to the less naked stuff for a bit.

 

Be hygienic: Early on in your relationship you probably don’t need to be reminded of this, but just because you’ve become comfortable in your marriage doesn’t mean you should get too comfortable.

 

Don’t gross her out: I think it’s probably good advice that you should never marry a woman you can’t fart in front of. However, just because you can fart in front of her, doesn’t mean you always should. I’m not saying hold them all in so you explode, but don’t relish in constantly blasting away like you have a leaf blower strapped to your ass. Show some class. Say, “Excuse me.”

 

Don’t let yourself go: Not sure what to do to stay in shape? But yeah, try to stay healthy for her. Physically fit men have higher sex drives and much lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction.

 

Hold her hand:Duh.

 

Make plans for the future that involve her: It could be next week, next month or next year, but talking about what you plan for the future together is a sure way to get her thinking about your long-term prospects. On that note, you may need to …

 

Sacrifice for her: Long ago I wanted to be a history professor. I went so far as finishing a master’s degree in military history. Then I thought about how nomadic the lifestyle is, bouncing around from university to university in a quest for a tenured position, and I thought about the havoc that would create for my wife, who wanted to start a family medicine practice. I couldn’t ask her to do that, so I changed my plans for the sake of our marriage. You may need to do something like that. Decide what’s more important to you: her, or this other thing.

 

Self-improvement: Work on it If you meet her when you’re 20, she doesn’t want you to be the same guy when you’re 40. You’ll need to grow, and probably grow up a little.

 

Do things that are important to her, even if you don’t want to. Remember that a relationship is give and take. Go to those family events. Watch that sappy movie. Look at those curtain swatches. Take notice of the things she does for you that she probably doesn’t want to, and be appreciative. Appreciate her values and point of view Pay attention to what she has to say and digest it rather than dismiss it. You may learn something.

 

Give her the remote Every once in a while. It won’t kill you.

 

Focus on her good qualities and not her bad ones Chances are, you are light years from perfect. Accept that she isn’t either.

 

Here’s my advice: Think of her often, in a positive light. Daydream about her, and idolize her just a little. Imagine her as her best self, and you’ll want to be the type of man who is worthy of her. Don’t dwell on minor things that bug you, but instead focus on appreciating the awesomeness that is your girlfriend.

 

Clean up I’m pretty sure a man doing housework is an aphrodisiac for women.

 

Be a good dad Saving this one for second last, in case your relationship ever gets to that point. A guy who looks after the kids, plays with them, changes diapers, is a good role model, is kind to them etc. is a turn on for most wives.

 

And finally … Ditch jealousy You know that expression, “If you love something, set it free”? Well, when it comes to a woman, that’s bullshit, because you never owned her in the first place to be able to set her free. She honors you with her presence based on your behavior, and she can choose to withhold that presence permanently whenever she decides. The way to be able to trust her is to just trust her. Jealousy has the opposite of the intended effect.

 

 

 

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HOW TO FIND AND KEEP A GIRL-FRIEND ... Part 3 (the conclusion)

Part 3: How to keep your girlfriend.

 

You can’t trick, manipulate, cajole or threaten her into staying with you. There is only one way, and even it’s not a sure thing. What you must do is be the type of man she wants, and treat her in such a way that she will never think to leave because you’ve made her life so wonderful. But there is something critically important to remember in all this, and that is that your happiness is just as important as hers, because if you sacrifice too much of yours, if you make yourself miserable in order to make her happy, then eventually you will become resentful and it all falls apart. It must be a win-win situation, which is focused on creating a mutually beneficial relationship. Remember, relationships are not a zero-sum game. For her to win doesn’t mean you must lose. Be a giver, and you will receive back.

 

Here are some of the basics I’ve picked up from convincing a woman way out of my league to stick with me for almost a quarter century: 

 

Be reliable: This is not the same thing as being whipped, but about being a man of your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then do it. Sometimes this means getting up off your ass when there is good stuff on TV when she needs you. Like if she needs a ride, needs help moving something, fixing something, or just needs to talk about something. You need to be there for her on a regular basis. And know that this is not one way. Be there for her, and she’ll be there for you. Be loyal Even open relationships usually have rules. You need to establish the rules of your relationship, and stick to them.

 

I’m big into monogamy partially because the thought of my wife being with someone else makes me feel sick. The rule we came to together is this: me and her, no one else. To expect her to stick to that rule, I have to as well. It’s fair. It’s being loyal to our contract. But it goes beyond this. A long-term girlfriend, someone who may one day become your wife, is someone you want to support, sometimes in the face of criticism from others. I once told a friend, “One of the most important jobs a husband has is to protect his wife from his mother.” It may be cliché, but mothers don’t always get along so well with their sons’ wives (or girlfriends).

 

If your significant other is really, shockingly, badly wrong in an evil sort of way and others are telling you this, I’m not saying take her side over that of your family or your friends. Instead, I’m saying rethink that relationship. This happens. I lost a good friend to his crazy, manipulative girlfriend. Don’t think with your penis, but instead find a good woman who is worthy of you. And if you do, know that even a good woman makes mistakes, and for these less serious matters, you’re going to want to take your partner’s side most of the time. If you break up, your mom will forgive you. If you’re always taking your mom’s side over your girlfriend’s, you won’t have a girlfriend much longer. And it goes even further.

 

Some guys, for some stupid reason, think it’s cool to make fun of their girlfriend in public. They use her as the butt of jokes to impress their friends. Don’t do that. That’s stupid. That’s disloyal and disrespectful. This woman trusts you. Why the hell would you do that? And even when she’s not around, don’t let your friends talk smack about her. Straighten them out. Tell them you don’t want them saying nasty things about her. If they treats theirs that way, you tell them you dont want it. Instead, tell others how much you appreciate her, because the way you talk about her will find it’s way back to her. You want people telling your girlfriend you say nice things about her, not unkind things.

 

I remember years ago at a company Christmas party my wife coming up to me and giving me a big kiss and saying, “You’re awesome.” When I asked what brought that on, she explained that one of my co-workers told her about how I always speak so highly of her. And more recently I was on the radio discussing “useless” university degrees. I didn’t even know my wife was listening when I said, “The most value I got out of my undergraduate degree was meeting my wife.” The announcers laughed, but it prompted my wife to send me a loving text message. Accept her body. Adoring her body is good. Telling her to change it: not good. You can make a gentle suggestion if you want once your relationship is well established, but accept her decision on the matter.

 

Culled from http://www.goodmenproject.com


Your views are Welcome...

HOW TO FIND AND KEEP A GIRL-FRIEND ... Part 2

Part 2: Advice for finding a girlfriend

 My relationship with my wife predates the advent of the Internet, so I’m talking about old-fashioned face-to-face interactions here. —But looks in perspective.

 

 

There is a lot more to a woman than how she looks. She could be a runway model, but if her personality makes you grind your teeth, it won’t last even a little while. I’m not saying you should chase women who you don’t find visually appealing, but understand that the vast majority of the population doesn’t fit into that mold you see on the cover of magazines. Real women look like real women. Even cover models are well-lit, made-up, and Photoshopped to hell and back. And besides, are you a young Brad Pitt? If you were, would you be reading this? 

 

You need to find someone you can have a conversation with; someone who makes you think: This person is cool. I like this person. I want to spend time with this person. You want to find a woman who, the more time you spend with her, the better looking she becomes. —Be your (best) self The guy I am when I’m hanging out with my male friends isn’t really the guy I am most of the time. We’re talking trash and saying some seriously raunchy stuff. You know, locker room guy talk. That’s just letting the Y chromosome run loose for a while. When you meet a woman for the first time, you can’t pretend to be a person you’re not in an effort to impress her. She might buy it for a little while, but the long-term potential is doomed. You have to be yourself, but be your best self. Be the man you really aspire to be more like. Basically, behave. Be a gentleman. Be a little nicer than usual. Be your “helping the elderly lady with her groceries” self rather than the “I’m on my fifth beer and watching football with the guys” self.

 

Women understand you have multiple personalities. The old- woman-helping personality is probably more the true you than you realize. She realizes it, and appreciates it, and probably doesn’t mind the asshole version of you that you pretend to be around your friends as long as she doesn’t need to be subjected to it all the time. She understands it’s basic male- posturing bullshit that we’re all prone to. What I’m saying is, skip all that alpha male crap and just be the polite and kind version of you.

 

Where to meet them Absolutely anywhere. Don’t ever feel like you have to go to a place where alcohol is served. You could be waiting in a line, waiting for a bus, in an elevator, at a bookstore, buying groceries, at the gym, in a park, in a coffee shop, out for a walk. Anywhere women are present is an acceptable place to meet them (But I think religious setting is more perfect for Long-lasting relationship).

 

You can strike up a conversation and see where it goes. —Avoid the disinterested If she has her headphones on and her nose buried in a book, this is a signal that she’d rather not be disturbed. Leave her alone. Depending on the circumstances, you don’t necessarily need to wait for a “come hither” look, but if someone seems at least open to a friendly chat, take a shot.

 

Here is my advice on taking such shots:

 

1. Observations work, pickup lines don’t Women often say that, “Hello, my name is …” is the best form of an introduction, and I’ve never heard one who says they like a pickup line. However, you can show some creativity that sets you apart by making a witty or insightful comment. Although I am 100% dedicated to my wife, I still do talk to other women. Not long ago my son was taking his learner’s license exam. A woman sat next to me while her daughter was taking the same exam. We were both on our iPhones doing … nothing important. I said, “You know, in the days before smart phones we might actually have been forced to talk to one another.” She chuckled, per her phone down, and said, “What do you want to talk about?” And so we chatted for the next 20 minutes. All it took was a somewhat witty observation about what was happening right then. It poked fun at something that we were both well aware of. Most importantly, there was nothing sexual about it.

 

In my (married) case, I’d never do that anyway, but in your case it’s equally important to make these introductory observations completely innocent. If something strikes you at the spur of the moment as an interesting and potentially witty observation, then it’s a good icebreaker. If you’re good at it then it can work even better than the “Hello, my name is …” route because the latter’s more formal nature can imply your intentions outright, which can be awkward if she’s not interested or in a relationship, whereas the witty observation can be interpreted as simply making conversation. It lowers the risk, and allows you to bail a lot easier if you feel the conversation isn’t going well.

 

Remember, choose silly over sexual with an icebreaker. You could be waiting at a bus stop, and it’s pouring rain. You are standing near a woman you find attractive. You could say something like: “I have to remember to water the lawn when I get home.” Or, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen anyone sing in the rain before.” Whatever happens after that second one, don’t start serenading her.

 

2. Be ready to cease and desist Maybe you thought you saw an opening, and maybe you were wrong. Read her reactions to your approach. If she’s not interested, she’ll give you clues. Watch for them. If you receive such clues, back away. If she’s not positively engaging with you then it’s not going anywhere. But if it does start going somewhere …

 

3. Actually listen to what she has to say Don’t view her talking as the mandatory period of time you need to sporadically wait until you get to talk about yourself again. Actually listen to what she has to say and process it with your brain rather than just thinking with the much smaller, stupider brain between your legs. Beyond just being respectful, it gives you key insights into her personality, which will let you know if this is someone you may actually wish to date for an extended period of time.

 

4. Compliment her on things other than her looks I interviewed a number of women about how they like to be approached in the gym, and the consensus is that they don’t appreciate being appreciated solely for their looks. From my article: Jen much prefers a compliment on her strength as opposed to her shape. “A workout-related compliment would totally work for me,” Kris says. Michelle says, “I do tons of squats to keep my ass defying gravity, but a comment about that is not appreciated. You can save it for when we know each other better.” Feel free to compliment a women on her technique, effort or strength, but, as Michelle says, save the compliments about her physique for when you know her better. Outside the gym it’s the same deal. It you find an opportunity to give her a sincere compliment about something other than her looks because you are legitimately impressed, and not just looking to get into her pants, then that’s okay.

 

5. You don’t need to act interested in her; you need to BE interested Remember, we’re talking about girlfriend material here. Not one night stand. A relationship is an investment of time, emotion and even love that goes way beyond sex. Find someone you find interesting.

 

6. Accept that rejection will happen I know a lot of PUAs preach the numbers game. Hit on a ton of women and some will be interested. Screw that. Be discerning. Engage in conversations with women you find interesting and attractive and see where it goes. But also realize that things could be one-sided. You may like her, but it’s not reciprocated. This does NOT make her a bitch. It makes her a human being deserving of respect. Don’t fall into that “poor me” trap. Women have every right to reject you. Accept it. Learn from it. Find someone you like who won’t reject you, and be happy together.

 

7. Focus on her When you’re talking to her, focus on her. Don’t keep scanning the room for someone better to come along. That’s just rude.

 

8. Tell her what you want Personally, what I think what you should want is to talk to her again, and that you should tell her that. Something along the lines of, “I’d like to call you and talk more. Can I have your phone number?” It’s not a date. You didn’t ask to “see her” again. It’s just a phone number where you can call and chat further and see where that goes. Mind you, that’s the safe way to play it. The night I met my wife I spent about four hours talking to her to the exclusion of all others. I was so enamored it was like the rest of the world ceased to exist, and I could tell that she was interested in me as well – there were hints she gave that even I was able to read – and I asked her out on a proper date that evening. But that was specific to the circumstances. Don’t feel the need to rush. Speaking of which …

 

9. Don’t feel the need to rush Every woman is different. There is no such thing as a “three date rule” about sex. I know a woman who took a guy home from a bar she’d met that night, and he never left. They were together for ten years and had two kids. Other people take longer before they’re interested in having sex. Progress can be slow, but as long as you feel as though your relationship is progressing at a rate you’re comfortable with, no outside influences on “closing escrow” or other male-locker-room-bullshit terminology should matter one bit. If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. And if it doesn’t happen, you need to accept that. You know what I’m talking about. Be a good man, not a bad man.

 

10. Don’t feel the need to follow traditional dating rules Just ask to hang out with her and do fun stuff with her. Go out and live some life together. It doesn’t have to be all fancy dinners and movies, although sometimes that’s good too. Other times, it’s just hanging out.

 

11. Cook for her It worked for me.

 

12. Talk about where things are going You don’t want to weird her out by doing this too soon, but it’s worth talking about your relationship to find out at least an idea of where it’s going and what she wants to see if it’s in line with what you want. Again, not talking marriage and minivan here, but perhaps having a discussion about things like exclusivity and a desire to get closer could be valuable.

 

13. Don’t be a whiner Women like confidence, but that doesn’t necessarily manifest the way you might think. This doesn’t mean you act like I’m confident I can get you to take your pants off, because her reaction to that may likely be, I’m confident that you will NEVER see me naked. Instead, they prefer men who can handle the trials and tribulations that affect every life with a minimum of fuss. They don’t want a guy they have to babysit, but someone who can get excrement done and fix their own problems with a positive attitude rather than a defeatist who mopes about how life isn’t fair. You’re right. Life isn’t fair. Deal with it.

 

 

 

 

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HOW TO FIND AND KEEP A GIRL-FRIEND ... Part 1

STAY MONOGAMY!

 

Life is not an Axe body spray commercial.

Sex sells, and what is often sold to young men is the concept of banging every hot woman in his area code. Use this hair gel, follow these pick-up tactics, spray this noxious scent and you’ll have scantily-clad females chasing you down like it’s a foxhunt. Thanks to evolution via natural selection, sex is a motivating force.

 

As a fitness writer, I know that the desire to fornicate motivates some men to quest for six-pack abs, as if a rippling midsection miraculously causes women to drop their pants and commence ovulating. But I took a survey, which showed that doesn’t actually happen. I don’t care how many partners you’ve had, or want to have. There are plenty of products that promise to transform you into a ladies man, but I’d like to propose an alternative; a more realistic one; an alternative that could possibly make you a happier man, a better man. If you’ve wasted time reading the creepy-rapey-misogynistic bullshit spouted by self-proclaimed pick-up artists (PUAs) to get laid, then you know that this is the exact opposite of that kind of advice. To quote a light-saber wielding little green puppet: “You must unlearn what you have learned.” And one quick note—as a man who is married to a woman, I can only speak from that perspective. But this article is not intended to exclude anybody, regardless of gender or orientation.

 

 

Part One: The case for one woman instead of many

 

The Internet is rife with methods for getting laid. PUAs have all sorts of ridiculous methods and games that promise to provide you with a new sexual conquest every night. Just insult her, act aloof, wear a fuzzy hat and treat your female encounters like hostage negotiations — where what you’re negotiating over is the release of her panties…or something. You’ll be awash in more ladies than your body can possibly tolerate. I know precisely diddly squat about picking up women for a one-nighter. I mean, I managed to do it once or twice a very long time ago, so I know what it’s like, but I’m not even sure how I did it. What I’d like to do first is convince you of why you may be better off with being dedicated to one woman than trying (and you probably failing) to have sex with many. First off, guys in Marriage relationships get more sex than single unmarried men do. Check out this chart from the Kinsey Institute , which shows that married guys are far more likely to be engaging in regular sex than single dudes. It’s the single fellas who regularly go more than a year without sex.

 

Anecdotally, I’ve spoken with many single friends over the years who lament the infrequency of their fornication. I’ve been with the same woman 24 years, and I have a happy and regular sex life (and that’s all I’ll share on that subject). Look at the Kinsey chart again. Married people do have sex, no matter what comedians and sitcoms tell you. I would venture that even guys who are supposedly good at the pick-up game don’t get as much sex as guys who are good at relationships. I’ve spoken with both a well-known PUA, as well as a friend who was justso charming and good-looking that women seemed to flock to him, and I still averaged at least as much sex as the former and more than the latter. The second eventually decided “to hell with being single”, got married to a nice woman, and has a couple of kids now. The first, as far as I know, is still incapable of having a lasting relationship. He told me he wished he had what I did.

 

But the single guys get to have sex with several women, while the balled-and-chained ones only get to have it with one. That sucks! Says who? Why is it that sex with many is better than with one? First off, let’s question those words “many” and “several” by taking another look at the Kinsey chart. Do you actually know real-live men who have had tremendous and high frequency sex using these PUA tactics to “score copious vagina”? And second, what can you learn about a person in one night? Sexual encounters, if you’re a caring and unselfish lover who is capable of, you know, learning, get better over time with another person as you figure each other out.

 

You get even more comfortable with each other. You learn what the other person likes and dislikes. A lot of stress is removed and you can jump into it in seconds and start going at it like bonobos on IV Viagra just because it’s a day that ends in “Y.” Third, and this is a really big one, NO CONDOMS! Well, if you do all the background checks with both of you coming up clean, and have a reliable alternative form of birth control going on, and are monogamous, then you get to ride bareback, and that’s awesome.

 

And finally, being in love is also awesome. It can make you a better person. That whole “ball and chain” bullshit is is just that. Bull and shit. Every time I look at my wife – the person who has been my very best friend for more than two decades – I think of how lucky I am to have her in my life. I know that no matter what happens, she has my back. I could get sick, injured, poor … and as long as I stayed loyal and decent she wouldn’t leave my side. She’d help me through it. Would some one-night stand you met at the bar do that?

 

So, let’s recap why one woman > many women (at least for me): The whole “many” part is likely an exaggeration. More sex. Probably way more if you’re a good boyfriend. The sex gets better as you learn more about each other. No condoms! Holy freaking yay and hooray! New best friend who likes being naked with you and makes more than just your penis feel good. Not all women are awesome, but a lot are. If you’re just a young guy don’t fear that I’m talking about marriage and mortgages and multiplying and minivans here. This is just about finding one woman you can be with for more than a weekend, and then you’ll see where it goes from there

 

 

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THE PLACE CALLED HOME: THE TRUE LOVE STORY OF SCOTT SONNON.

The night I met my future wife, a gun had been held to my head. Friends of hers had invited her to a party at my college apartment, hosted by my roommates. From my training, I unconsciously snatched the weapon from the gunman’s hand, yelling for him and his henchmen to leave. As they cautiously backed out the door hands held high, I threw the handgun out after them, and slammed the door, yelling, “And don’t come back!”

 

Turning around, my friends screamed, “Why did you throw the gun back to them???” I hadn’t even recognized that I had taken it from him, much less thrown it back at him. My body started to uncontrollably shake, and my friends pulled me the back room to hide my near-catatonic body and call the police.

 

Fortunately, my future wife had already left my apartment, and I didn’t officially meet her for another two years, in 1994, when she had signed up for my martial art school. She quickly excelled and became a national champion Sambo fighter within a year. Her technique was magical. It was hard for me to not be distracted by the messenger of that movement. We had an unstated magnetism between us. But as a policy I avoided romantic relationships as they’re unfair between “coach” and “athlete.”

 

So two years after she had begun, she walked into my office departing for university on the opposite side of the country. Slamming her fist on my desk she asked, “So that’s IT? You have nothing to say to me?” I replied that I couldn’t as it would be dishonorable to even utter; I had already felt conflicted about my unvoiced feelings. She turned and stormed out of the school.

 

For the six years that followed, she didn’t speak to me: angry and hurt that I had withheld my feelings toward her. I regretted my decision month after month. But departing for Russia, I became consumed with my studies there, as she similarly immersed herself at her university. One distant Christmas evening mass, I saw her walking through the pews. She floated by me, not recognizing my long hair and beard, as I had recently returned from the cold, Russian winter.

 

Instantly standing, I had dashed after her, but she had been nowhere to be found. In the days that followed, I tried to find her, but her rightfully-protective mother had refused to disclose her phone number or email; though I finally convinced her to at least convey mine to her. An email appeared in my inbox, succinctly asking what I had wanted. So, I explained that I had hoped to buy her a ticket to fly back and go out on a date with me. She didn’t answer for a week, but later reluctantly agreed. Sending her the ticket, I received a check in the mail from her parents for the price of the flight which read: “…so our daughter does not feel obligated.”

 

Our date felt awkward and fumbling, confusing and uncomfortable, and had totally confirmed my suspicion that I had been in love with her for the many years since I had met her. She disclosed that I had hurt her greatly, yet her life was finally where she had wanted it, and that she hadn’t wanted major upheaval again. She flew home, and I hadn’t known if she had ever wanted to see me again. She had given me a letter and had made me promise to not open it until she departed. As the tires lifted off the tarmac, I opened it. In it she told me everything, from the beginning of our story together… And had disclosed her true feelings. She had loved me as well, but feared my tendency to abruptly change when I had felt so inclined. She did not want to be hurt again.

 

The next week, I packed my car, closed all of my accounts, and found an apartment on her side of the country. (Perhaps validating her concern about my abruptness!) In two and a half days of crazy 15 hour sprints, I had arrived on the West Coast. Rather than drive to my new apartment, I drove straight to her at work. She was shocked: of course if I could do something so rash as to move across the country to date her, couldn’t I then make a reckless decision and abruptly end our blossoming relationship?

 

Although it appears from the radical nature of my life’s choices that I make decisions in haste, my mother had taught me:

 

1. When you believe in something, you must be willing to sacrifice everything to pursue it.

2. If it doesn’t work out, trying to force it will bring you great suffering and failure.

3. Knowing the difference between 1 and 2 is the hardest thing in life.

 

“I always wondered why birds stay in the same place when they could choose to fly anywhere on the Earth, but then I ask myself the same question,”

wrote an unknown author.

 

The hardships of my early life opened the cage to travel anywhere passion had compelled me. Fortunately, those childhood challenges drove me directly into the arms of my best friend and love of my life. Building trust in a relationship takes time, especially when you’re facing the chaotic events of adolescence and in the unsteady beginning of your career. We both believed in our relationship, and were passionate enough to commit to a life together. Very difficult trials would lie ahead for us individually and as a couple. But like a gemstone is not polished without rubbing, a relationship is not grown without commitment to the other’s individual growth and fulfillment… especially when you could, rather, focus all your efforts to shining.. alone.

 

A life without her would lack luster, no matter the efforts I had made to polish it. So, I left the cage of my prior security, and adventured out to find her, to earn her trust, and to spend the last of my days together loving her. Birds don’t choose to stay in one place because they’re afraid to fly away. They stay, because they’re home. Wherever my beautiful bride, and the exuberant little cherubs we’ve created together, live… There, I am home.

 

Often, the most difficult choices are between the sane arguments of our mind and and the crazed intuitions of our heart. As a man of reason, formally schooled in logic and rationality, I’ve come to learn… No matter how much it may seem stressful, choose heart. Your mind will create every convincing excuse for you to not follow your heart, under the illusions of some stress free fantasy, but sometimes, only those crazed foolish dreams are sane.

 

Fortunately for me, she said, “Yes.”

 

Very Respectfully, Scott Sonnon

 

 

 

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A FATHER'S LETTER TO HIS DAUGHTER FROM THE COSMESTIC AISLE

Dear Little One,

As I write this, I’m sitting in the makeup aisle of our local Target store. A friend recently texted me from a different makeup aisle and told me it felt like one of the most oppressive places in the world. I wanted to find out what he meant. And now that I’m sitting here, I’m beginning to agree with him.

Words have power, and the words on display in this aisle have a deep power. Words and phrases like:

Affordably gorgeous,

Infallible,

Flawless finish,

Brilliant strength,

Liquid power,

Go nude,

Age-defying,

Instant age rewind,

Choose your dream,

Nearly naked, and

Natural beauty.

 When you have a daughter, you start to realize she’s just as strong as everyone else in the house — a force to be reckoned with, a soul on fire with the same life and gifts and passions as any man. But sitting in this store aisle, you also begin to realize most people won’t see her that way. They’ll see her as a pretty face and a body to enjoy. And they’ll tell her she has to look a certain way to have any worth or influence. But words do have power and maybe, just maybe, the words of a father can begin to compete with the words of the world. Maybe a father’s words can deliver his daughter through this gauntlet of institutionalized shame and into a deep, unshakeable sense of her own worthiness and beauty.

A father’s words aren’t different words, but they are words with a radically different meaning:

Brilliant strength. May your strength be not in your fingernails but in your heart. May you discern in your center who you are, and then may you fearfully but tenaciously live it out in the world. Choose your dream. But not from a department store shelf. Find the still-quiet place within you. A real dream has been planted there. Discover what you want to do in the world. And when you have chosen, may you faithfully pursue it, with integrity and with hope.

 

Naked. The world wants you to take your clothes off. Please keep them on. But take your gloves off. Pull no punches. Say what is in your heart. Be vulnerable. Embrace risk. Love a world that barely knows what it means to love itself. Do so nakedly. Openly. With abandon.

Infallible. May you be constantly, infallibly aware that infallibility doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion created by people interested in your wallet. If you choose to seek perfection, may it be in an infallible grace – for yourself, and for everyone around you.

Age-defying. Your skin will wrinkle and your youth will fade, but your soul is ageless. It will always know how to play and how to enjoy and how to revel in this one-chance life. May you always defiantly resist the aging of your spirit.

Flawless finish. Your finish has nothing to do with how your face looks today and everything to do with how your life looks on your last day. May your years be a preparation for that day.

May you be aged by grace, may you grow in wisdom and may your love become big enough to embrace all people. May your flawless finish be a peaceful embrace of the end and the unknown that follows, and may it thus be a gift to everyone who cherishes you.

Little One, you love everything pink and frilly and I will surely understand if someday makeup is important to you. But I pray three words will remain more important to you — the last three words you say every night, when I ask the question: “Where are you the most beautiful?” Three words so bright no concealer can cover them.

Where are you the most beautiful? On the inside. 

From my heart to yours,
Daddy


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8 THINGS THAT HAPPY COUPLES DON'T DO

Sometimes, building a solid healthy relationship isn’t just about what partners do, but what they don’t do. 

Here are 8 things that you won’t find in the habits of happy couples.

Discourage each other. Two people who love and care for each other would never attempt to discourage their partner or hold them back in life. They encourage and support each other when it comes to chasing after goals and dreams. Holding someone else back while in a relationship will only lead to resentment in the long run — ironically, loosening your grip often keeps someone closer.

Play mind games. Even something as simple as “how long do I wait before I call?” goes out the window when you’re with the right person who is mature and understands you. Call when you want to call, text when you want to text. There will be no games or manipulation when building a solid foundation for a relationship.

Doubt each Other’s feelings. In a happy relationship, both partners know how much they mean to each other. Open communication and affection are important to minimizing insecurities and doubts. Stop trying. You know you’ve found a quality partner when they keep showing you how much you mean to them… long after they’ve got you.

Brush issues under the rug. No relationship is sunshine and rainbows all the time, but the challenges you face together are what make you stronger, both as individuals and as a couple. No problem can be extinguished unless it is faced, and couples who care for each other will be mature enough to have mature discussions and reach a conclusion. When feelings are hidden, the other partner won’t know what they need to do or change in order to keep the other happy, so nothing will improve.

Snoop around. One of the key ingredients to a happy relationship is trust, and people who trust each other don’t invade each others’ privacy by snooping around. There should be no need for a password protected phone or deleting your Facebook chat history. Trusting couples should be open books to one another and will have no use for being sneaky.

Dig up the past. We all have a past that has shaped us into who we are today. Some experiences for better, and others for worse. Happy, mature couples understand that about each other and don’t use each others’ pasts as ammunition in arguments or to start issues.

Let things get stale. Both inside and outside of the bedroom, it’s important that neither partner gets bored or feels as though things are getting stale. Often times intimacy in the bedroom is actually built outside of it through romantic gestures, showing of appreciation and affection, and always letting your partner know how much they mean to you.

Happiness in relationships is built on communication, trust, loyalty, and mutual respect. These are some of the cornerstones of love — without one, the other cannot exist.

Written by James Michael Sama

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