BEFORE YOU GIVE UP ON DATING!

JUST BEFORE YOU GIVE IT ALL UP!

You’ve met enough jerks, insensitive guys, dull women or men, or total non-communicators. Perhaps its individuals that are not supportive or with whom you share few common interests. Maybe there’s absolutely no chemical attraction! You need this last one; I don’t care what anyone says!

It might be your brain has been fried with mind numbing dates… tolerable, but ultimately insufferable. Or the ones where the person is a complete… pardon the expression, asshole. I think I can use that term here, if not you won’t be reading this line!

If you find yourself nodding your head, rest assured you are not alone. Often, (not always) the older you get the more negative experiences you accumulate and the sense of futility grows and grows. At some point, you might be getting ready to call it a day and simply give up on the rat race of dating.

Wait! Stop! Halt! Don’t toss in your hat just yet. I make very few guarantees, but as they say in advertising “I can virtually guarantee” there is someone out there for you. Perhaps a diamond in the rough, an unexpected stranger, or dare I say it… your mother’s friend’s son (oy vey). It might even be an old pair of shoes that with a good spit polish will dance you off into the sunset.

I’m not making light of the frustrations of dating and finding the right person for the first, second, or third time. Believe me, I write from much experience, not just as a life coach, but as a baby boomer that grew up and burned out on singles dances, vowing never to return. (This was before the digital age dawned, offering all sorts of new opportunities)

My favorite ex met her husband of 11+ years and two children later, online. Some of the happiest marriages I know of started via the Internet. It really can work when the stars are aligned, you know what to look for and you put yourself in the right frame of mind. Positive!

That being said, I don’t advocate a particular way to find dates — simply that, whatever method you choose to make contact with the opposite sex the key is knowing yourself and then “to thine own self be true!”

Let’s try a quick Mind Acrobatics™ exercise. Although the instructions call for closing your eyes, feel free to keep them open… either way works!

Mind Acrobatics Exercise #1: “What the Heck Do I Really Want?”

Time needed: 10 or 15 minutes.

Materials: Paper, pen, great music, favorite beverage and positive outlook.
Location: Wherever you are most relaxed.

• Play the music you associate with the happiest period in your life.
• Take a sip of your drink.
• Breathe in and out slowly a few times.
• Close your eyes and listen to the music playing.
• With eyes closed begin to imagine the perfect relationship.
• What are the character traits you most desire in the opposite sex?
• List the deal breakers you absolutely won’t accept.
• What strengths and great qualities do you bring to the table?
• What do you enjoy most about dating?
• What’s your biggest turn-on?
• List an actor or anyone you’ve encountered that “personifies” your ideal.
• What is it about them that attract your interest?
• Recall the best date you ever had.
• Write a paragraph about it with eyes still closed.
• Open your eyes.

Great you’ve just completed a bit of creative visualization. You’ll do more in the future if you really want to transform and supercharge your dating.

In fact, instead of the SOS, you’re going to experience The Thrill Of The Hunt.

How is this going to happen? It’s simple. You’ve already begun to clarify what makes you feel best in a relationship. Soon you’ll transform that knowledge into an action plan that will help you determine the best way to fast forward and put some fun back into dating.

Everyone wants to give advice about finding Mr. or Ms. Right, but often it’s about their concept of what you desire or worse, what they think is best for you!

Don’t listen to others. Learn from your own experiences what works for you. Take control of your life and dating. As is often heard in the background of Adam Sandler movies… “You can do it!”

Mind Acrobatics Exercise #2: “Imagination Time… Let’s Get Crazy!”

Here’s both a physical and mental activity rolled into one. It’s innocent fun.

• Take a leisurely stroll while the weather’s nice.
• Imagine you are walking arm and arm with someone.
• This individual makes you laugh and feel good about yourself.
• Enjoy the outdoors and hold a conversation with that person.
• I mean it. Let go, chat, and imagine the responses you are receiving.
• Put a smile on your face and laugh a little.
• Give that person’s arm an affectionate squeeze.

Sound weird? Worried people will think you’re crazy? Put a Bluetooth or any sort of hearing device in your ear. A benefit of the digital age is you can pretend you’re talking.

• Continue the conversation with your amiable companion.
• After finishing your stroll write down thoughts or associations you had.

Fantastic, once you’ve returned from your pleasant little jaunt or perhaps mini-assignation you will have completed two exercises designed to help you get a clearer picture of what you find most desirable in a relationship.

When you feel you’ve pinpointed what’s really important to you then create your action dating plan, adopt a positive attitude and get ready to play. Make dating fun. And remember… “You can do it!”

Whether it’s an introduction from a friend, or a happenstance meeting… the more you know about yourself the better your chances of finding a great match.

Enjoy Life… after all what’s the alternative!

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This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post.

Edited.

 




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Getting Married? One Piece of Advice You Didn’t Ask For

Getting married? One more piece of advice you didn’t ask for:

Ask yourself, what does your partner expect of you?

 

Saskatchewan was not one of the places on my bucket list to visit. Go figure. But here I am in seat 17C on an Air Canada fight from Toronto bound for Regina. My husband’s nose is buried in some thick legal brief making it impossible to talk to him, and the dude in the seat in front of mine has fully reclined his chair and is practically in my lap.

Despite these minor irritants—a Regina (versus a Paris) destination, a husband absorbed in work, and claustrophobia caused by an inconsiderate fellow traveller—I am really thrilled to be heading to Regina this weekend. My friends, Brydie and Simon, are getting married!

My husband has been asked to give a toast at the celebration tomorrow. He is feeling honoured; I am feeling miffed. Sure, I get that Brydie and him have shared some pretty intense experiences including half a dozen trips to Guantanamo for work (now there’s a destination), and cohabiting for three months while conducting an out-of-town murder trial (drum roll please for being the coolest wife on the planet for agreeing to their domestic arrangement). But still.

I think Brydie and Simon are missing a real opportunity here. Shouldn’t it have been me that was asked to say a few words? Have these future newlyweds forgotten that I spend hours every week devoted to research and writing about matters of the heart, and that I’m just so darn witty and insightful? Not to mention, I have some pretty solid street cred being married to the same guy for a very long time.

So, I’m going to take matters into my own hands, and do what I do best—provide unsolicited advice. Brydie and Simon, here is the one piece of advice I would like to offer you, with love, on your wedding day.

Remember to ask yourself, “What does he/she expect of me?”

Let me tell you a story.

An acquaintance once told me about his Aunt Edith. She would be over 90 now if she were still alive. She was a single career woman long before it was popular to be one, and had a number of liaisons. She used to say, “I look for three B’s in a man: Brains, Bed, Bread. Any man I date has to have at least two out of these three things.”

Why only two?

“Well” Aunt Edith explained, “Is it really fair for me to expect a man to have all three B’s – intelligence (brains), money (bread), and be a good lover too (bed)? After all, I ask myself, what is it that I can offer HIM?”

And therein lays the beauty of Aunt Edith’s philosophy. She understood that if she expected a man to be perfect by possessing all 3 B’s, then he had a reasonable expectation for her to be perfect too. And we know, nobody’s perfect.

It’s hard not to feel disappointed in our spouses from time to time. Resentment (a sure fire relationship killer) can easily set in when we feel our partners are not measuring up—maybe they don’t pull as much weight around the house as we think they should, maybe they spend too much time with others and not enough with us, or perhaps they have too much ambition or not enough of it.

I think Aunt Edith’s advice is good advice for every couple. Bearing in mind not only what we expect of our partner, but also what our partner expects of us is the foundation for a good relationship deal—and can remind us that things are not as out of whack as they sometimes might appear.

I’m excited for tomorrow’s marriage celebration. I can’t wait to witness the next steps that Brydie and Simon take as a couple, to toast them with other family and friends who love them, and to assure them that, well, there’s plenty more advice where this came from!

Originally Published: The Relationship Deal

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4 Relationship Rules To Live By

4 Relationship Rules To Live By

After years of self-reflection, I truly feel like I’ve found the holy grail of relationship mindset.

These four rules encapsulate so much of what I believe to be true in relationships (intimate or otherwise) that I wanted to refine them into their simplest possible form before I made them public. Well, I’m finally happy with them… and so I have decided to put them in writing.

Here are what I believe to be the four ultimate relationships rules to live by. Strive to weave each of these into all of your relationships and I promise you your entire life will benefit.

1. Self-love

Your relationship to others always starts with your relationship to yourself.

If you are stingy with your love towards yourself, you will be stingy with your love towards others.

Make it an absolutely non-negotiable fact in your life that you will make your own happiness and fulfillment your #1 priority. If you aren’t brimming with love and fulfillment then you will only be a small fraction of your usual self and your love will merely be a watered down imitation.

It’s so easy to let life get in the way and tell ourselves that we don’t have time to take care of ourselves. But this is the same thing as saying “I’m too busy driving to stop for gas.” Eventually you’re going to burn out on the side of the road (and the repairs will be much more expensive compared to if you had just done your regular maintenance).

Do whatever is necessary to keep yourself happy and balanced. Take down time. Get a massage. Eat clean and sleep well. Cuddle. Decompress. 

If you can’t easily answer the question “how was I self-loving today?” at the end of each day, then you might need some serious restructuring of how you run your days.

2. See And Hear People

Every single person in the world wants to feel seen, heard, loved, and understood.

Go the extra mile in helping people feel seen and heard in your daily life. Whether it’s something as small as actually being fully present and engaged with the person bagging your groceries, or listening to your partner with undivided attention when they tell you about how their day went… letting people feel seen and heard is vitally important.

It also helps you feel happier, more connected, and more emotionally fulfilled. How much more enjoyable is a social exchange when you actually look the person in the eyes and make a real effort to hear about them and their lives? Intentionally seeing and hearing people in your life makes them feel more special, and take you out of the often repetitive nature of just going through the motions.

So listen hard. Make real eye contact when you hear people. Remove the distracting TV/cell phone/ear buds and give people your full attention. Show up in your life and give people the focused love and attention that they deserve.

3. “How Am I Like That?”

Has anyone ever pissed you off? Trick question! Of course they have.

People cut you off in traffic. People show up late for meetings. People do stupid stuff that isn’t good for them.

Whatever pisses us off about other people (especially the things that consistently make us angry/upset/frustrated) always point back to us.

When someone does something and we assume that they’re doing it for a specific reason, we are projecting our own stuff on to them and their lives. It’s an assumption that doesn’t serve us… UNLESS we listen to it.

You can follow down the emotional trigger (of being angry/upset/mad/frustrated/hurt/etc.) when someone does something that you don’t like, by asking yourself the question “How am I like that?”

When you do this exercise you

A) Realize what the root of your emotional suffering is, and

B) You employ one of the most powerful forces in the entire world… compassion.

You’re pissed off that your friend showed up late for dinner with you because you used to show up late to things all of the time and you still haven’t forgiven yourself. You hate that your friend is a smoker because you aren’t proud of all of the self-destructive numbing behaviours that you engage in, in your own life. You’re angry that your friend is using Tinder to find dates because you know that you sometimes also engage in surface level relationships with people that you’re not that excited about.

Whatever the emotional trigger is that someone else brings up in you, ask yourself “How am I like that?” and you will get an extremely valuable window into how you show up in the world.

4. Vulnerability

All of the tricks, hacks, and tips in the world wouldn’t do a damn thing to help you connect with others unless you courageously chose to be vulnerable with the people in your life.

Vulnerability isn’t weakness… it takes the ultimate courage.

Vulnerability is about taking off your armour and letting people know that you don’t have it all figured out. It’s telling people that you struggle sometimes and you’re often afraid. It’s about being honest and real with the people in your life who deserve to know the truest version of you that you can show.

Vulnerability is about knowing how to apologize. It’s about telling your partner/spouse/friend that you messed up and not needing to follow it up with a “but…” It’s about letting people see you for the beautifully flawed human you are.

Vulnerability takes real mental and emotional strength. And for every ounce of vulnerability that you deploy out to the world you get equal amounts of emotional connection in return.

The Four Relationship Rules

That’s it. Self-love, see and hear people, ‘how am I like that?’, and vulnerability.

Try these out in your intimate relationship one at a time and see how your life transforms over night.

You, your partner, your family, and your extended social network will all benefit from your journey towards becoming a more loving a compassionate human being.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

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This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com written by Jordan Gray

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