3 WAYS YOUR PARTNER CAN SHOW THEY LOVE YOU

3 WAYS YOUR PARTNER CAN SHOW THEY LOVE YOU

It’s interesting to sit in a couple’s therapy session and witness how love can make a lot of us feel completely out of control.  I see couples fight furiously and notice how each partner is completely oblivious to the fact that it’s not the money or the child that’s the issue.  What they are really fighting about involves three very simple questions, “Do you love me?  Will you stay with me?  How can I be sure that you won’t hurt me?”  When I witness this in a session I have the wonderful and sometimes energizing opportunity of letting them know that they are fighting for love.

We learn about love very early in life.  Every time an infant cries and a caregiver picks them up to soothe them and tell them they are okay the infant begins to understand that they matter, they are safe, and that love is just a cry away.  Toddlers learn about love when a caregiver allows them to go and explore the world but is also available to them when they return to check in that all is okay.  A securely attached child feels loveable because their environment is safe, predictable, and loving.  That said, it does not always work out that smoothly; those of us whose attachment was lacking, continue to search for that safe, predictable, and loving figure well into adulthood.

On to the three questions:

1) How can I be sure that you won’t hurt me? (PREDICTABILITY)

In the beginning of a relationship couples rarely ask this.  But after that first time our lover fails to return a call or perhaps forgets to ask us how we are doing, we doubt.  This is when your past rears its ugly head.  When we are emotionally hurt, our brain helps by showing us all the other times we have been hurt.   It does this because it wants to protect us from pain.  This is a question about predictability, one of three things needed to securely attach to another.  For the relationship to survive from the constant barrage of defenses against getting hurt, each member of the relationship has to be willing to be as predictable as possible.  Communicate about your schedule, about how many times a week you want to see each other, about how you want the other to show up for you.  This is easier said than done because committing to this means the person asking has to be vulnerable enough to ask and the one receiving the information has to be selfless enough to respond.

2) Will you stay with me? (SAFETY)

When we securely attach as children we feel safety in that the person taking care of us responds to us when we are in need.  In a romantic relationship this is not guaranteed; it is built up through repeated experiences of our lover telling us I am here for you.   Once again the key ingredient for the success of experiencing safety is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to your partner.  I have a secret wish that every marriage ceremony would include this vow, “I vow from this day forward to be vulnerable to you”.  If we could all take a deep breath and dive into the pool of vulnerability with our partners I promise you most relationships would flourish.  However, what often happens when one of the two is asking this question is that they are also pushing or defending the other away by giving them “the list” of how they know they will disappoint them. That said, if your gut is screaming to you not to trust or be vulnerable, listen. Perhaps you are trying to remain in a relationship that is not safe and it’s time to walk away.

3) Do you love me? (LOVING ENVIRONMENT)

This is the trickiest of all three questions.  If your relationship with your parents is difficult, complicated, or non-existent you have been asking this question most of your life and the only person that can give you a satisfying answer is your parent.  It has been my experience that the only way to heal is to mourn the loss of the love we never got as children.  Every time my clients take the journey of grieving the loss/hope of having their parents see and love them, they heal.  Painful, but no relationship can survive one or both of the partners asking the other, “am I loveable?”   It is cliché, but true: if you cannot love yourself first, it is very difficult to experience the love of another.  It gets even more complicated when you take into account how much your past experiences of love influence your present experience.  For example, if your parent was highly critical of your way of being, you may be really uncomfortable with someone who praises you often.  It may seem strange that this person who loves you is always so “nice” to you and you may walk away.  Seems odd, yes, but one more time your brain is to blame.  Early on you learned that if someone loves you they are critical.  So the sweet high praising guy is creepy or too clingy only because he does not match your familial and historic definition of love.

The answer in this area of the loving part of being securely attached is to begin to dissect in yourself how you define being loved.  When you discover the answer, tell your partner.  If you share the definition of love and they are willing to work it out with you or even better if you both work on your love definition together, you can heal your broken attachment.

It seems like a lot of work but it is well worth it. 

Love is a verb. 

It takes action, vulnerability and awareness to maintain it. 

You have been doing it since the day you were born.

Written by Lina Acosta Sandaal 

 



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GUYS: GET THESE INFO BEFORE YOU "FALL IN LOVE"

5 Questions to Ask Before You Fall in Love

Is falling in love worth the risk? Should I guard my heart? These are questions every man asks when he thinks he’s falling in love.

When my wife and I began dating almost twenty years ago, I knew there was something different about her. My best friend was marrying her best friend and, although she and I had met, we really didn’t know each other. By the end of our best friends’ wedding weekend, she and I were dating.

There were so many things running through my head as our relationship progressed. Did I really want to fall in love now? Is this just convenient? How could I be sure she was the one?

Nearly twenty years later, I know falling in love with her was the best decision I ever made. Looking back, I could have been assured falling in love with her was a wise decision a lot sooner if I had asked myself five simple questions. If the answers to these questions are positive, she may just be worth lowering your defenses and falling in love with.

#1 What type of trail does she leave behind?

Does she leave a trail of negative or positive outcomes? Did her past relationships fail due to her actions? Does she still have a good relationship with previous employers or did she leave in a negative way?

Don’t get me wrong: people can change. The problem is most don’t. Most people have previous relationships that didn’t work out. There is usually a pattern, and patterns typically continue to happen. So if she cheated on someone else with you, don’t be surprised if she cheats on you in the future. If she settled for her past relationship and left as soon as something better came along, take notice.

Looking back, I could have assured myself that my wife was the one. She had previous relationships, but not very many. The few she had were relatively long-term and they all ended peacefully. She had a pattern of only dating if she was serious about a relationship. She also had strong relationships with all of her former employers, which showed me she left on good terms. This also showed me she didn’t create a lot of drama.

Study her past for a glimpse into her future.

#2 Who does she spend time with?

I believe with all my heart that I can predict your future simply by seeing who you choose to spend time with. Understand that you are not going to like all her friends and they aren’t all going to like you. Don’t judge her based on one or two of her friends. Judge based upon the actions of the majority of her friends.

If all her friends are boring, make sure you are okay with boring. If all her friends are partiers, make sure you are okay with partying. If all her friends run around on their boyfriends, be careful. If all her friends are focused on their futures, odds are she will be as well.

My wife had friends that I enjoyed being around. (She still does.) I love to laugh, and her friends always seemed to have a good time. When we met, my wife’s friends were all in college working toward brighter futures. There were lines that most of her friends wouldn’t cross, and that was appealing to me.

Take a look at who she chooses to spend time with and it will give you a clue as to who she will become.

#3 Is she focused on herself or others?

This gets to the core of who she is as a person. Does she have compassion? Is she forgiving of others or overly judgmental? Is it always about her? In order for relationships to work, the people involved cannot be selfish. Selfishness is the seed that blooms into action. Selfish action eventually causes most relationships to fail.

Tough times will come. If she’s selfish, she is more likely to quit than to try to work things out when the tough times come. Again, tough times will come. Be prepared.

My wife has always loved kids. She worked at a juvenile detention center when we first started dating because she loved helping kids that had not seen much compassion in their lives. Looking back, this should have assured me that she would support me when I made mistakes. It proved we had a similar desire to help others.

If she is focused on others, she will likely do the same in your relationship.

#4 Opposites may attract, but similarities make them stay

How similar are you? Do you share similar beliefs spiritually or politically? These beliefs usually strengthen over time. This means any divide between you could grow wider and cause friction.

Are you similar physically? If you’re 100 pounds overweight, don’t expect the yoga instructor to stay interested over time. Do you have a similar vision of your future? If she wants kids and you don’t, you will eventually have a problem.

When my wife and I were dating, we talked about everything. There were areas we disagreed about, but for the most part we had the same beliefs and were in similar physical condition. We shared a common vision of what our marriage would look like in the future. These similarities have helped us grow closer while other married friends who were not similar drifted apart.

It is exciting to date someone who is completely opposite of you. Just understand that that excitement will eventually wear off.

#5 Does she inspire you to be a better man?

Have you thought about changing some things you’ve always done? Are you more focused on your future since you started dating her? Are you more health-conscious, goal-oriented, or motivated to be a better man because of her?

My wife is my most trusted adviser and personal cheerleader. She encourages me when I need encouragement and gives me a kick in the pants when it’s needed. It hurts when I disappoint her because I want to be the best I can be for her. She inspires me and makes me strive to grow in all areas of my life.

If she inspires you to be a better man, then she just might be the one.

Take action!

I realize the stats say that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but if you’re the kind of guy who believes the stats, you’re reading the wrong website. Life is short, and time is one resource we’ll never get back. You can waste time puttering around, or you can choose to spend the precious few moments you have left on this earth with YOUR one. If she’s the one, quit waiting and pull the trigger.

  written by Jimmy Burgess


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HEY LADY: BEING TOO INDEPENDENT MIGHT JUST BE THE REASON WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE!

Western society loves its steady junk food diet of independence and autonomy.

We are constantly being force fed the idea of self-sufficiency.

“Become amazing, do it by yourself, don’t complain… Be all that you can be… You don’t need someone else to complete you… Depending on others is a sign of weakness.”

Being overweight on this ‘Me First’ type of thinking has caused us to be severely malnourished in terms of having fulfilling relationships.

When you are overly focused on your needs and your happiness, then you stop focusing on others.  Independence and connection are not mutually exclusive.

But instead of finding a partner we become too independent. We stay busy working on our lives and our selves, to avoid any semblance of connection and intimacy. We fear that if we slow down we will feel the loneliness that our hearts are trying to tell us about.

How To Lean On Others In A Healthy Way

Here are three quick steps to get you back to a place of connection and fulfillment.

1. Challenge Your Beliefs

First off, it’s important to think about where you try to ‘go it alone’ too much. Where in your life are you afraid to ask for help? In love? In your job? From your parents or friends?

And then think about why you try and go it alone. Are you trying to prove to someone that you are capable of being independent? Do you feel like you would be perceived as weak if you asked for help?

Realize that no person can exist completely independently of others. Humans are a social species and we need each other to survive. At a certain point, you’re going to have to let others in.

2. Take Stock Of Your Social Circle

How many people in your life would you say really know you? I mean REALLY know you. They know your fears, your insecurities, your dreams, your aspirations…

If your answer is anywhere between 1-5, that’s amazing. That is already better than most people who report having zero confidantes in their life.

But if you can’t truthfully answer that anyone really knows you, maybe it’s time to start reaching out more often.

3. Listen To Your Fears

You know those things that you’re nervous about doing? Maybe you don’t want to reach out because it will make you look desperate… needy… powerless. Or you fear that it might make you indebted to someone or lower than them in some way?

Well congratulations, whatever whisper in your mind just popped up… you just signed up to do it. Our fears and insecurities can be our greatest teachers when we start listening to them more often.

What Do We Really Need?

The truth of the matter is that, as much as we try to resist it, we need other people. We need them to teach us, to nurture us, to love us, and to help us grow.

And as happy, independent, and self-sufficient as you can become on your own, a much faster path to fulfillment would be embracing the intimacy and community that already exists all around you.

Written by Jordan Gray

 


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