"I LOVE YOU, BUT..."

 

This past weekend my wife Nicole and I were out of town celebrating her birthday with her father and brother. It was a great weekend full of great food, drinks, music, and plenty of laughter. On one of the nights we hadn’t made solid plans, leaving it up to Nicole to pick where she wanted to eat. Out a desire to make sure everyone got something they wanted she was being a little indecisive, and that is when my fallibility started to creep in. I was starting to get a little frustrated; I was a little hungry and ready to go eat. It started to rumble low and wanted to rise to the surface which would have ended the night of celebration on some bad terms. I remember thinking to myself “I love her, but when she is like this it kind of pisses me off”. I had a serious choice to make; blurt it out or diffuse the frustration. Thankfully I chose the latter and the restaurant she picked was a fantastic hole in the wall sushi joint. I guess I had never really considered it before, but I realized there was a very specific way in which to diffuse such a thought. I realized there was a particular word in that line of thinking that was the crux for how the message would be received. It seems so insignificant but simply using it in a sentence can change the entire tone of a conversation. Using this word demands great caution because it really can ruin a perfectly good evening. That word is “but”.

 

Think about the last time someone used the word “but” in regards to a relationship with you, I’m willing to bet it wasn’t followed by a very positive message. Here are some I doubt I’m alone in having heard before; “I like you, BUT as a friend” “I love you, BUT not that way” “I feel the same way, BUT we can’t be together” The world outside of relationships is not safe from the scariness of “but”; “The project is on time, BUT it’s going to cost more” “I have news, BUT you’re not going to like it” “It is doable, BUT it won’t be easy” The word “but” has become ubiquitous with bad news that follows another thought. It is so ingrained into our culture that almost no matter what comes first our minds latch onto and remember the “but” more vividly. There are sayings and tropes all over just pointing out how much we focus on the catch that comes with this three letter word.

 

In regards to my marriage there would be plenty of opportunities like this past weekend for me, and for my wife, to say things like; “I love you, BUT (insert any random flaw)”. This way of talking and thinking is unhealthy and would be a breeding ground for that ultimate marriage destroyer; contempt. So in an effort to avoid future problems caused by a seemingly innocuous phrasing and thought process I wanted to find a better way. It would be easy to just say that I removed “but” from my vocabulary and lived happily ever after, but as you can see it is far too useful of a word. Instead I learned there is a way to use it still, one that takes it from being a harbinger of hurt to a messenger of good. All it takes is rearranging sentence and thought structures.

 

Rather than the easy way: “I love you, BUT this particular flaw pisses me off” I intentionally flip it around to: “This particular flaw pisses me off, BUT I love you so I can move past it.” In a moment of utter frustration I could take the root of naming her flaws and breaking her apart. If that became the habit my marriage would not be long. Instead I always want to bring it back to that love that binds us together. Sure she will upset me and there will be days I do not want to see her, BUT I love her and will forgive her and will want to be with her again because of that love.

 

Putting the “but” after love is treating it as a modifier, meaning that whatever follows somehow changes that love. My wife’s minor flaws do not and should not change my love for her. Instead love should come after the “but” so that whatever the complaint may be is modified by love. Love should come as a healer, removing the affects of flaws on how we feel about one another.

 

The phrase “I love you, but…” is just as terrible as “No offense, but…”, the first part of the sentence does not make the second any better. If anything it can come off as condescending and demeaning. Being careful in the words we use and meanings they convey can help stop a lot of arguments before they ever start. It might seem a silly matter of semantics, nevertheless if applied correctly it works. It must be more than just about speech but also thoughts as well. My thought process must include this reminder to bring it back to love; otherwise the unhealthy thoughts would eventually turn into the destructive messages. Saying it to myself in the proper way when I am upset with her can soothe my heart, it is the perfect reminder of why I do everything I do for her. She isn’t perfect, but I love my wife.

Written by Christian Clifton



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FROM THE THERAPIST: 10 THINGS YOU MUST KNOW BEFORE YOU SAY YOUR VOW.

Before You Say That Vow: Read This!

We pan in on a newly married couple gazing lovingly at each other on the dance floor dressed in white and aglow with happiness and sweet expectation for a life together. They read their vows professing love sublime with misty eyed friends and family looking on. It’s a happy time for all, maybe one of the happiest times in life.

 

So what happens when the honeymoon is over and you are in the day-to-day with your mate for the next umpteen years? Soon enough married people become some kind of bastardized facsimile of their original family dynamic. So what can couple’s do to get a hedge on what the future holds long before the bells start ringing? What are the factors that determine relationship happiness? What are the important ingredients for a happy marriage, and how are couples supposed to determine if they have those before they make what could be their biggest mistake or the best decision of their lives?

 

Here are 10 things every couple should talk about before any knots get tied. —

 

1. Get a History Lesson. It is supremely important that you know what your mate has been through in his or her life. Rich, poor, happy, sad, alone, what happened in school, all the dish about the big moments and how they went down. How did Dad treat Mom or was there a Dad in the house? Did their family fight all the time? Did they ever discuss things below the surface or did they punish, abandon or beat each other up? Was Dad or Mom into the drink, drugs or popping pills? Were Dad and Mom faithful? It’s good to know just how far the apple does fall from that family tree.

 

2. What are Their Values? What do they hold dear, who are they committed to? Have they ever thought about it? Have they ever taken time out to consider who they are? Have they ever been in therapy of any kind? Have they been married before and did they take some time to consider what their part in the breaking apart of that marriage, if they were divorced? Of what Faith do they belong to, and is there any significant differences in faith (religious sympathy)?

 

3. Is there Rockin’ Sexual Attraction? This is a must. There has to be an attraction that is powerful to begin with. If the attraction is not strong in the beginning it will be gone before you know it. Sexual non-attraction is a perfect storm for extramarital affairs so choose wisely. Once an indiscretion occurs, it spells major trouble for trust and security. Also, check out what their moral values are and if they are able to live them not just talk about them.

 

4. Own up, Show Up and Be a Grown Up. Can your mate take responsibility for his or her mistakes, failures and foibles and own their part of a problem? Are they someone who always has to be right? Can they do what they say they will do? Can you count on them to be there when the chips are down or to be there when they say they will? Being a grown-up means that your mate is able and willing to look at themselves and then take action, changing when necessary, and is capable of acting unselfishly. Watch for defensiveness, retaliation, withdrawal and criticism as negative factors that are ways of pumping one’s own personal issues onto one’s partner. Not a grown up thing to do.

 

5. Anger Management and Conflict Resolution Skills. Very necessary skills in a relationship. If your partner cannot control his or her anger, then it’s going to destroy the connection and it will take a long time to repair it each time. If that goes on and on then it will eventually erode the relationship. People need to learn how to stop, cool off and then come to the table and find a working solution. That’s where family history, personal work and the ability to be responsible come in. Good conflict resolution skills are incredibly important for long-term happiness. Whatever you do, don’t think you can change someone once you get married. You better take them as they are because changing is really hard to do.

 

6. The ability to Function. If one or both partners have not resolved their personal life issues, they will infiltrate the primary support system. Team work, partnership and the ability to take care of one’s own end are critical for a balanced relationship. If one member of the relationship is not working, can’t find what they care about in life, are confused or unable to function is a basic ways, it will be overwhelming to both people and eventually will create resentment and anger. Know this going in. If they are between jobs during the courtship they might be that way during the marriage.

 

7. Sense of Humor. A healthy sense of humor is a critical factor not only in life but whenever there is a conflict. Being able to find humor in difficult situations is not only life sustaining but relationship sustaining.

 

8. Is there Empathy? Empathy is the most important relationship skill. Seeing what our partner is telling us from their point of view not only enables connection but will ease every conflict. Empathy is defined as “vicarious introspection,” which means that we are able to introspect from the other person’s point of view.

 

9. Trust and Comfort. It’s important to feel not only comfortable with our mate but that we can trust them. Trust is the foundation that relationships are built on. Being comfortable means that you feel accepted. If you feel that you need to “catch” a person who feels unattainable or unavailable, or somehow get them to accept and want you, then bark up another tree and get into therapy immediately. By the way, if you need to play games, manipulate or push your mate to get married you need to know now that it never works, so you can save yourself a lot of grief.

 

10. Are They A Good Listener? Does your mate have the ability to listen and then let you know that you are heard? If they don’t have that ability, you are going to be really frustrated later on. The ability to actively listen is an essential tool for harmony and keeping love alive. Marriages fail because no one is listening and letting the other person know that they are understood—not necessarily that you agree, but that you get it. Acknowledgement and validation keep arguments from going out of control. If the other person does not feel heard, they are going to ramp it up and then it will spin into anger and more arguing. By the way, there are no good lovers just good listeners. The obvious meaning here is that love remains viable if we connect and that means good listening skills. — As I read over this list I’m thinking along with you, whew, this is complicated. Well, guess what, it is.

 

There are a lot of pitfalls and black holes in relationships that we have to be aware of before we take the plunge. For lasting happiness and for love and lust to remain active, we need to be able to fashion a connection and then learn how to keep it. That’s not necessarily a walk in the park but is ultimately doable. If your mate has the ability to stop, look, and listen you might be able to create something truly magical for the long haul. If not then you are in for some real difficult times. If your partner has the ability to face up to their part in a problem and listen not only their ears but with their heart, they just might be able to pull off a real coup in the lasting love department. And hopefully you can have some kicks along the way.

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THE SCIENCE OF LOVE: THE SECRET EACH COUPLE MUST KNOW

Secrets for a Lifetime of Love, Sex, and Intimacy

Here are the newly emerging facts that are important in understanding, developing, and maintaining a loving relationship that lasts through time. Until I learned the real science of love, like most people, I thought love was a wonderful mystery that blessed us at times and left us at times.

 

I collected quotes that seemed to express my experience including these two:

 

“Love is a friendship set to music.” Joseph Campbell

 

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.” Anaïs Nin

 

But I needed more than beautiful words to help my own marriage and to help me help others. I longed for the key that would unlock the door and show me the way. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned from Dr. Johnson’s book which Dr. Gottman says is, “An absolute must for anyone who wants to understand how Love Makes Sense.”

 

1. The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to connect. The man who first offered us this vision of what we now call attachment or bonding was an uptight, aristocratic English psychiatrist named John Bowlby. But from the wounds of his early experiences separated from his parents, he was nevertheless a rebel who changed the landscape of love and loving forever. His insights are the foundation on which the new science of love rests. Bowlby proposed that we are designed to love a few precious others who will hold and protect us through the squalls and storms of life. It is Nature’s plan for the survival of the species. Sex may impel us to mate, but it is love that assures our existence.

 

2. Adult romantic love is an attachment bond, just like the one between mother or father and child. We’ve long assumed that as we mature, we outgrow the need for the intense closeness, nurturing, and comfort we had as children with our caregivers, and that as adults, the romantic attachments we form are essentially sexual in nature. This is a complete distortion of adult love. Research by Johnson, Gottman, and others demonstrates that our need to depend on one precious other— to know that when we “call,” he or she will be there for us—never dissolves. In fact, it endures from, as Bowlby put it, “the cradle to the grave.” As adults, we simply transfer that need from our primary caregiver to our lover.

 

Romantic love is not the least bit illogical or random. It is the continuation of the ordered and wise recipe for our survival. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say, “I feel like I have another child in the house.” I found that both men and women fail to realize that our needs for love, care, and nurture are as important to men as they are to women and as important when we’re 40 as when were 4.

 

3. Hot sex doesn’t lead to secure love; secure attachment leads to hot sex. And also to love that lasts. Monogamy is not a myth. Pick up any men’s or women’s magazine and you’ll find cover lines blaring: “Seduce Him! This Sexy Move Works from 20 Feet Away”; “28 Things to Try in Bed…Or in a Hammock. Or the Floor.”; and “Sex Academy—Get an A in Giving Her an O.” In our ignorance, we’ve made physical intimacy the sine qua non of romantic love. The tragedy is that by focusing so heavily on sex and neglecting love, we fail to get either. In our pain we check out emotionally, which eventually leads to small, then large, betrayals and eventually to a relationship that falls apart. “The growing craze for internet porn is a catastrophe for love relationships,” says Johnson, “precisely because it abjures emotional connection.”

 

4. Emotional dependency is not immature or pathological, it is our greatest strength. Like most of the people in Western society, I believed that “dependency” was something I needed to avoid like the plague. I believed that a “real man” was strong, independent, and self- sufficient. He didn’t complain and he never showed his weaknesses. To a lesser degree women are also raised to value independence and see dependence as a weakness to be overcome. “Again, this is backwards,” says Johnson.

Far from being a sign of frailty, strong emotional connection is a sign of mental health. It is emotional isolation that is the killer. We know that men live sicker and die sooner than women and the suicide rate is 2 to 18 times higher for men than for women. The main reason, I believe, is that men have fewer social supports than women do. We associate manliness with independence and dependence with “wimpiness.”

 

5. Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people. Many of us think of love as limiting, narrowing our options and experiences. Like many men, I grew up being taught that falling in love was a trap. It would mean the end of my independence and ability to explore and adventure. But I’ve found it to be exactly the reverse. When I’ve been out of a relationship or in a relationship where I felt distant and insecure, I was afraid to try new things. I would usually overwork, the routine giving me a sense of safety.

 

But since Carlin and I have learned about the science of love, we are more connected than ever before. The connection has set us free not tied us down. When I know I can trust her and she will be there for me, and vice versa, it allows us to step out into the world and become the very best we can be. “It is hard to be open to new experiences when our attention and energy are bound up in worry about our safety,” says Johnson, “much easier when we know that someone has our back. Thus fortified, we become imbued with confidence in ourselves and our ability to handle new challenges.”

 

Love is the ticket to ride the roller coaster of life. It’s more wonderful than anything I could have imagined. Learning to love has helped us create a safe and secure nest for each other and at the same time has given us the key to all that is there for us in the wide wonderful universe. 

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4 TOUGH QUESTIONS TO REBOOT YOUR LOVE LIFE

Four Tough Questions

 

Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/ her?

Is it fair to ask your partner to do something that you are not willing to do yourself? If you are pressuring your partner for sex and then pulling away in an angry huff when you don’t get what you want, can you really expect your partner to WANT to be intimate with you?

 

Can you really expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself? If you are critical of yourself, you could be opening the door for your partner (and others) to do the same to you. If you are not willing to learn how to be patient with yourself, forgiving of yourself, and kind to yourself, than why do you expect your partner to do that for you?

 

If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you could do to make it easier for them? Many people come into therapy and will happily delineate all of the many ways that their partner sucks at this or that. This keeps you in the problem cycle and it becomes difficult if not impossible to get out of this cycle if you keep supporting what doesn’t work. Instead, honestly look at what you can do to make it easier for your partner to change. Consider being on your partner’s team rather than putting yourself on the opposite side.

 

How do you create an environment for your partner to be his/her best self? What do you do everyday to help your partner be the best version of him/herself? How do you create a supportive and loving environment for him/her to flourish and grow? If you find that there are places where you feel resentful and don’t want to do this (“because she’s not doing this for me!”) then it is easy to see where you can get stuck in a unproductive cycle.

 

If you are ready to improve your marriage or relationship, start here. Start with yourself.

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I OWN MY WIFE!

 

OWNERSHIP: I OWN MY WIFE!

I thought it’s a long gone issue that women are not a piece of property to be owned.

But am really ashamed to say that some men in this generation still has some form of the same mentality that make the whole world tag Africa backward or third-world continent, or even suggest the appellation The Black Continent! Though this is not all about men from Africa!

I am not a Feminist. I must confess I don’t know what that really means in it totality not because am black and dull, but because I care less to know. I believe in freedom and also in corresponding responsibility. Standing on the basis of my Faith (what you may refer to as religion, which to me is a way of life), I see all humans as equal and accountable to the Supreme Being.

My faith may suggest a male world syndrome at a glance, but on closer understanding and following the revelational truths therein, it balance the equation and set the standard for what the maker of all is trying to do or desiring us to see and do. Someone had responded to the Chinese leader’s summation that the European woman will save the world; by concluding that two wrongs don’t make a right, we can’t shift from male world to female world, WE ONLY NEED TO FIND THE BALANCE... can I suggest the balance to be the whole HUMANITY: either male or female?

To the main point of this write-up, does a man own his wife?

I will try and answer through my faith: the answer simply is NO!

Why?

Because the maker doesn’t plan it that way, and our beginning show that is true. How the male world alone emerge I still haven’t know, but some say it is through the era called the Dark Ages.
 

Many believe that Sarah, and example of an ancient woman that knew her role and position, called her husband lord, an indication that that is the same thing the slaves and many servant of this powerful ancient man call him too. But the same holy writings demarcated the line by giving divine arrangement of expectations from both sex’s psychology: Man need respect, therefore, woman, respect him; woman need true love, therefore, Man, love him. I believe this has not change until today.

But some men need to understand what respect is. The last time I checked, respect isn’t the same thing with domination, which according to my faith is witchcraft; we are not to dominate other Human-beings, but other creatures which are even demanding for care and tenderness. Therefore, Sarah’s lordship of Abraham is respect and not a form of male domination.

Let me end it here that, four generation after Abraham and Sarah, one of their descendants show the mind of the maker when he show what his understanding of the maker’s mind is about one’s wife (albeit which was learned from his fore fathers). This is Joseph the first Prime Minister in Egypt. When he was in potiphar’s house as a slave, the wife of his master asked him to sleep with her, but he refused. His famous speech of refusal answered primarily our question of discussion here:

Look, my master does not have to concern himself with anything in the house, because I am here. He has put me in charge of EVERYTHING he owns. I have as much authority as he has, and he has not kept back anything from except you![1]

In essence, what he means was: though I’m the chief servant here, and in charge of ALL of my master’s property, you as his wife are not part of the property, because YOU ARE A WIFE NOT SOMETHING TO BE OWNED, therefore, you are not in my power or reach to care for!

Therefore, even the uncivilized, ancient men who knew the mind of the maker knows full well that wives are not property to be owned, and even as some powerful female do too, man are not to be owned, (some own males to just have their seed and be able to make babies), but no!

Wives are never owned! Anything short of this is a deviation from the maker’s plan that naturally put balance in each relationship.

---

[1] Holy Bible: Genesis 39:8-9

Oluthomas
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3 Silent Destroyer of Marriage

I’ve always thought a marriage needed three obvious things to survive: mutual respect, functional communication, and physical intimacy (aka good sex). A great marriage may have more than these, but without any one of them, things fall apart quickly. If you use a triangle to symbolize marriage, with each of these qualities as one of its corners, geometry makes it clear that you need a minimum of three points to create an enclosure—a safe space of trust inside which two people can relate—and that if one point fails, the triangle collapses, leaving the couple vulnerable to divorce.

But marriages don’t fail because one partner or the other suddenly decides to stop respecting, stop communicating, or stop having sex. These stoppages occur as actions often without any conscious decision beforehand, and they are preceded by silent killers that settle into the relationship dynamic of which neither partner may be aware. These silent killers of marriage are like viruses, silently infecting partners, displaying no symptoms, lurking in dormancy for months or years, until an outbreak seems to come from nowhere. And these viruses are deadly, as evidenced by our national marriage mortality rate of roughly 50%. So how can we become aware and either inoculate ourselves against the viruses that attack and destroy marriage, or recognize when they first enter our system and seek prompt, effective treatment? 

Here are the Destroyers

Killer #1—Over-Familiarity  

But wait? Isn’t it a good thing to know your spouse like the back of your hand? Isn’t it great to know his favorite color shirt or tie what wine she will order with which food? Yes, because familiarity is an asset, but over-familiarity is a liability. So how much familiarity is too much? Over-familiarity is when you think you are close enough to your spouse to excuse your doing things that are obnoxious, while not allowing those things to be done to you. You might call over-familiarity a kind of entitlement—when one partner believes he or she has earned a free pass and has the right to do certain things because he or she knows what’s best for the other.

Examples include: yelling, criticizing, ignoring, teasing (even in play), being openly grumpy, being crude, nagging, complaining … the list goes on. Unhappy partners often complain, “I wish my husband or wife would act the way he/she did while we were dating.” It’s not so much the cards and gifts and trinkets of courtship that are missed as the presence of respect, a respect that diminishes with increased familiarity and erodes when over-familiarity sets in. Leaving the bathroom door open, not cleaning up after yourself, not saying thank you because you think your gratitude should be a given, these acts of over-familiarity disappoint and draw ire because for one partner they symbolize a lack of respect, while for the other, they merely represent the comfort and perceived lack of need to stand on ceremony that they believe should characterize an intimate relationship. I would bet that over-familiarity is the killer of over 80% of all marriages that end in divorce. Nobody wants to feel disrespected. Everyone wants to feel honored. 

Killer #2—Poor Communication Skills 

If you see the purpose of communicating with your marriage partner purely as negotiating how to get your needs met, you don’t understand relationship communication. Many people in troubled marriages think, “My spouse and I have trouble communicating,” while what they really mean is, “I can’t get my spouse to listen to me and do things my way!” Well, that’s not a communication problem. That’s an attitude problem. That’s a function of placing your needs ahead of your spouse’s and dismissing his or hers as insignificant. It may also be childish resentment over not getting your way. The real problem with marital communication is twofold. First there is the age-old issue of men being different from women (i.e., Mars and Venus), and of both partners not realizing and learning that men and women see, hear, and speak differently. The color fuchsia is a great example of gender specific communication. Most men (unless they’re graphic artists or fashion designers) hear that word and go blank. Most women hear that word and imagine the clothes that go with the shoes. But that isn’t the real problem.

The real problem with marital communication is that marital communication is different from any other kind of communication. It is special, because its purpose is to enable two people to open their hearts to each other, not just facilitate working out the details of whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, take out the garbage, or walk the dog. Until a couple understands the purpose and value of marital communication, they will miss out on what marriage is all about—intimate connection. 

Killer #3—A Transactional Attitude 

 This may seem odd coming from me, as a self-professed entrepreneur and businessman. But the application of business principles within a marriage reduces marriage to nothing more than a give and take relationship—or ultimately, a take and take relationship as both partners become increasingly dissatisfied and feel cheated when they get less than they believe is their due. Our wedding vows run something along the lines of “I promise to love, cherish, and be in service to you, for better or for worse.”

The courts may consider marriage a contract, but on the altar, we are binding ourselves to one another before God in a sacred union and each committing to honor and cherish the other. In business, we abide by contracts and honor them because that’s the ethical thing to do. But in marriage, honor means something entirely different. It means honoring our imperfections and mistakes, too. And the rewards of a successful marriage based on honoring your partner are many thousand-fold greater than any one might achieve in business. But you have to know how to reap the rewards. Making your marriage dynamic transactional and assuming you will receive something in return for each something given is destructive to the fabric of a flexible relationship, and it blocks your giving heart from experiencing the natural flow of love that comes from selfless unconditional giving. If you don’t always get exactly what you expected, try to be understanding and forgiving. When you each said “I do,” you promised each other to do your best, not to be perfect.

If I could reduce this whole thing to a sound bite, or offer a shot of advice to vaccinate against these silent marriage killers, I would give it to you in a heartbeat. But the truth is the only way to avoid the killers is full-scale education. Until we learn how to control our minds, and the reasons our thinking brains so often work against our emotional best interests, we will remain susceptible. But if I had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be this: Learn to love your spouse.

Many say “I do love my spouse; BUT.” Until we learn to kick our own “butts” and focus on the tasks that bring love and harmony into our lives, we’ll continue to miss the point—and the joy—of life, love, and marriage.

 Written by Thomas G. Fiffer

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WHAT MARRIAGE IS... According to Richard Norris

 

 I am happily married. Have been for nearly 23 years. Nancy was, is and always will be my wife for life. I’m addicted to her in a balanced way; I’m addicted to our marriage. I will do all I can to keep it thriving. I love getting my fix each day. I am beginning to realize that I am likely now in the minority.

Are you committed to your marriage or just yourself?

 

No one said marriage would be easy. Mine hasn’t. Every day it requires intentional effort to make it better than the day before. Marriage is rewarding when you commit to make it the best you can alongside your wife. It’s certainly not a one man show. Marriage is the coming together of two imperfect people who are to serve one another to perfect who God created each other to be. It is a selfless commitment for the best of each other.

 

Marriage is not disposable.

Today we live in a fast-paced, sound-bite, disposable world. Because we have become accustomed to such a life, marriage by association is seen as disposable. Use it. Abuse it. Discard it. If you don’t like it, you can get a new one. This smacks of a selfish approach to life and relationships.

 

This day and age of prenuptial agreements screams at me that there is a lack of commitment. Such agreements allude that before and throughout such a “marriage” the intent is to protect what is the individual’s. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. But marriage is about “ours”, about “we” and about “us”. It’s not about “me”, “you”, “yours” and “mine”.

 

Marriage is about commitment.

You cannot write an exit clause in a marriage that God wants you to honor.

Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Mark 10:9

Commitment is an all or none. You either put all of yourself into something or you don’t – mind, body and soul. You are either committed or you are not. There is no room for “try”. Try means you give yourself an escape clause. With commitment, what you are setting out on is a must! Commitment sees obstacles as exercise. Commitment keeps your eyes on the prize and burns the bridge behind you so there is no turning back.
 

Marriage is about completion.

Marriage is not two individuals living together where the focus is on what each person can get out of it for themselves. Marriage is the coming together of two individuals to become one. It’s about integrity.

 

Marriage is not a competition. It’s about completion. As a husband, you are meant to complete your spouse is meant to complete you. Nancy completes me. She was and is great at socializing. I was not. She has helped me to improve. I am headstrong and more likely to take risks. Nancy grounds me with her common sense. I am brute force and ignorance; she is a gentle touch and insight. Only with Nancy did I discover that I was meant to be a dad.

 

Sometimes I think of how I would manage without Nancy if she died first. I know I would be dysfunctional. In many ways, when you are married you become like Siamese twins – inseparable. To separate conjoined twins is very risky especially when they share organs. There is a good chance one or both may die. To separate and divorce runs a risk that a part of each you and your family will die. I don’t know about you but I don’t want any part of me to die.

 

Marriage is an investment.

Marriage is meant to be about love. Love is a blessing. A blessing is a good thing. And we all want more of a good thing. Your marriage and mine is a blessing not a curse. Sadly, some men see it as the latter. Generally, we avoid what we don’t want. If our marriage starts going south, a brave man will fight for it. A coward will run from it. What you think about you bring about. If you think marriage is tough and toxic, it will be. I imagine not one man who is married entered it in the hope it would be awful.  The truth is marriages only get toxic when you allow the toxin in and you feed it. What you feed you breed.

 

A marriage is like a good investment – you put it where you expect great returns. 23 years ago if we had invested $1000 in Microsoft we’d be up about a million dollars. The wonderful thing about marriage is that the more you put into it the more you get out of it. A marriage is greater than the sum of its parts. In our house 1+1=4 at least, as there are 4 of us now. It’s the safest and best place to invest your time, energy and resources. After all, your legacy is in your marriage and your family more than it will ever be in your career.

 

The more you make a stand for your marriage, the more it will stand the tests. The more you give of yourself to your spouse and your marriage the greater will be your marriage. Your commitment will determine your return on your investment.

 

 

Your Power play

Identify one area where you need to step up your commitment to your spouse and marriage. Invest your best today.

 

written by Richard Norris

Your views are most welcome...

Here are 10 dumb issues smart COUPLES quit giving a second thought

Here are 10 dumb issues smart couples quit giving a second thought:

1. Being Right
In all honesty, I like being right as much as the next person. The problem, however, is that being right comes at a cost. If I’m fiercely attached to being right, then, by default, my husband will end up being wrong. Take my word for it, he doesn’t like that position anymore than I do.
It’s been said that we have to choose whether to be right or happy, since we cannot be both.  A variation on that is to choose between being right or being free — to cling desperately to our need to be superior to others, or to learn to let go.
I suggest door number two.

2. Caring Who Started It
Okay. Chances are if you’re reading this post you’re not in third grade. Who started it counted back then, when the instigator got sent to the principal’s office and the innocent got a Kleenex and a pat on the head.
The underlying issue for couples who get snagged on this one is that they believe there’s glory in being innocent. Far better to be the victim than the victimizer, they say.
But, why?
While the victim position makes it much easier to claim the moral high ground, the truth is that when conflict arises, we’re rarely as innocent as we think.

3. Who Said What, When
Wouldn’t it be great if we could play back the video?
“Ha!” we could say. “I knew you said 3 o’clock and not 3:15.”
I’ve seen couples attempt to recreate conversations they had in 1969, one or both of them insistent that they accurately recall every word.
Sadly, most of us are no better at remembering what we said five minutes ago, especially if we were even slightly revved up.
What does it matter, anyway?
The who said what, when loop is like driving your car while looking in the rear view mirror.
Better idea — say what you think now and leave the past in the past.
Hard as it is to accept, truth comes in versions. And frustratingly often, when your version and another’s stand side-by-side, the twain shall not meet.
Short of having a home stenographer record every word the two of you speak, you’re going to just have to accept that nailing down a consensus reality may be difficult, if not impossible.

4. Expecting Things to Be Done Your Way
This may shock you, but there is no right way to fold a dishtowel. The same thing is true about which way to hang toilet paper or squeeze toothpaste. There’s no superior parking spot to pull into, no optimal way to stir pasta sauce, shake salt, or arrange fruit in a bowl.
Recently, in a discussion about dishwasher loading, one client said her dishwasher came with a map, with the numbers for where to place dinner forks versus salad forks, soup spoons versus teaspoons, eight-ounce glasses versus coffee mugs. She and her spouse regularly re-arrange the dishes after the other is done.
I’m happy when the stuff gets into the dishwasher, period.
Every couple has to figure out how they’re going to run things, and how much energy they want to put in having things go their preferred way.
Life is too short to go bananas about where to keep the coffee filters.

5. Being Told What to Do
This one’s easy.
If your spouse tells you what to do, you can choose to do it —  or not. Why freak out?
Yeah, I know, being “managed” is annoying and intrusive and it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that your spouse thinks you’re too stupid or incompetent to do things on your own. You probably aren’t.
It’s wise not to put your self-esteem in the hands of somebody who’s simply anxious when not in control.

6. Who Made a Face, Rolled Their Eyes, or Used an Unacceptable Tone
Despite all the buzz about how eye-rolling is a clear predictor of divorce, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t do it occasionally. Even so, I agree that it’s no heartwarming move.
My suggestion is this:
Stop rolling your eyes, groaning, sighing, snorting, grimacing or doing any other obnoxious, judgmental and dismissive things that you do when your partner is talking. He or she will be deeply appreciative.
However, until the two of you clean up your act on this one, you’re going to have to live with some crappy behavior. There are worse things in life.
Bad enough that we’re not always kind and respectful to our loved ones. Why spend time and energy protesting that you can’t speak, think, finish a sentence, or keep your cool when your spouse groans or sighs or uses an unpleasant tone.
Believe me, you can.
I promise, you’ll be far better off  once you stop letting your partner’s bad behavior throw you off-course.

7. Being Turned Down For Sex
Hoping for a yes, and you got a no?
Bummer. It happens to all of us.

Badgering, whining, pouting, threatening, claiming something awful will befall one of your body parts — none of these things are in the least bit sexy.

When turned down here are your options: you can ask again, only this time put on the charm. Be more seductive or more inviting and see how it goes.  If it’s not gonna happen, I suggest you go read.
There’s always tomorrow.

8. Expecting Things to Be Fair
I’m sure this isn’t the first time someone told you life isn’t fair. Neither is marriage.
The idea that things should be 50–50, that couples need to compromise, that they need to meet each other halfway, well… this sounds good in theory, but in my experience, that’s not how things play out.

Relationships are messy. Sometimes things end up being 90-10 or 40-60. Sometimes we get the short end of the stick.

Tolerating unfairness is part of growing up. Stamping your feet in opposition is a quick trip back to childhood, where you had a complete meltdown because your sister got the bigger and prettier cupcake.

9. Having to Ask
Asking is part of the human job description. When we want something, it’s our job to ask for it.
I’ve heard people say that asking somehow demeans the thing they ultimately get, as if a mind-reading spouse is a more loyal or loving spouse, as if getting what they want without having to ask means their spouse really “gets” who they are.
Why turn asking and receiving into a test? The kiss I get when I’ve asked is as sweet as the one given to me spontaneously.
Asking requires courage and an ability to deal with the whatever comes our way: yes, no, or maybe, and the ever-frustrating yes that’s really a no in disguise.
Asking is our best chance of having life go as we’d like. After all, who’s going to advocate for your concerns, if not you?

10. Misdeeds of the Past
Sh#t happens. And when it happens in your marriage, it can be heartbreakingly painful. Even so, unless you’re an archaeologist or historian, or you work at the Smithsonian, dredging up the past is a pointless activity.

What’s the value of getting all fired-up about the time your spouse shamelessly flirted at the neighbor’s Christmas party… 17 years ago?

While it’s true that those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, most people drag out old grievances not to learn from them, but to hurt their spouse with them.

Thank goodness many of us mature with time. Thanks goodness we grow.

Since there’s nothing to be done in the present about things that happened in the past, why not seek to forgive? Forgiveness leaves the past in the past and makes room in the present for new and better things to come.




Your views are most welcome...

WITH-HOLDING: DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL DYFUNCTION PARTNER

Emotional withholding is so painful because it is the absence of love, the absence of caring, compassion, communication, and connection.

 

You’re locked in the meat freezer with the upside-down carcasses of cows and pigs, shivering, as your partner casually walks away from the giant steel door.

 

You’re desperately lonely, even though the person who could comfort you by sharing even one kind word is right there, across from you at the dinner table, seated next to you at the movie, or in the same bed with you, back turned, deaf to your words, blind to your agony, and if you dare to reach out, scornful of your touch.

When you speak, you might as well be talking to the wall, because you’re not going to get an answer, except maybe, if you’re lucky, a dismissive shrug. And the more you talk about anything that matters to you, the more you try to assert that you matter, the more likely your withholding partner is to belittle or ignore what you’re saying and leave you in the cold.

 

Awful but true—you actually wish for the fight, the fireworks that Sara points out are not flashing, because even a shouting match, an ugly scene, would involve an exchange of words, because even physical conflict would constitute physical connection, because fire, even if it burns you, is preferable to ice.

 

Imagine saying something three, four, even five times to your partner and receiving no response. Or maybe, you get a grunt. You ask yourself, am I here? Do I mean anything to this person? Do I matter? Do I even exist? If you cry alone on the polar icecap of emotional withholding, and there’s no one there to hear you, did you actually make a sound?

 

Your accomplishments go unrecognized, your contributions unmentioned, your presence at best grudgingly acknowledged, and any effort at bridging the chasm is spurned. The rope you throw over the crevasse lashes back at you, whipping in the winter wind.

You become pathetic—pleading, begging, literally on your knees, apologizing for everything, offering things that are distasteful to you, promising to be better, just to re-secure your partner’s affection.

 

But you’re like the dying Eskimo elder, wrapped in sealskin and placed on an ice floe to float away into the great beyond. Only you’re screaming, “I’m not dying! I’m not even sick! I’m perfectly healthy!” as your partner’s silence speaks the words, “You’re dead to me.” And death, death enters your consciousness as an option. Death begins to feel like a viable alternative, a way to achieve relief from the unbearable pain.

 

Emotional withholding is typically a response to your trying to stand up for yourself, to an assertion of your rights within the relationship. And perhaps the deepest pain of all comes from your partner’s insistence that you deserve to be treated this way, deserve to be punished, and, to paraphrase my older post, your partner’s absurd argument that if you just give up your silly notion of having a healthy, communicative relationship between two equal partners and resubmit to emotional domination and abuse, the caring, compassion, communication, and connection, the warmth and the love, will return.

And they might—for five minutes, five hours, even five days—until you assert your yourself again.

The truth is, caring, compassion, communication, connection, warmth, and love should NEVER be conditional and NEVER be willfully withheld, EVER, unless the relationship is already over and you need to draw a boundary to establish your new life and preserve your own sanity. Withholding these within a relationship is abuse, a kind of emotional blackmail, no different from the other kind that threatens to hurt you where you’re most vulnerable if you don’t comply with your partner’s desires or needs. But the harder you work towards creating a healthy relationship, the more your dysfunctional partner will withhold the very things on which the health of the relationship depends. This is how your relationship becomes “the passive-death non-relationship” that Sara mentions, and you feel emptied instead of filled, hollowed instead of hallowed, sunk under the weight of scorn and silence instead of buoyed by the lift of love.

 

Confession: When your partner withholds, after a while you give up and start doing it too. This creates the death-spiral in which both partners abandon the relationship, slink into siege mode behind the walls of their fortresses, and try to starve each other out until someone capitulates, crawling forward with parched throat on withered limbs, begging for a sip of water and a scrap of food.

 

There’s only one way to deal effectively with a partner who withholds from you, and it’s this:

 

You must make it clear that the relationship is OVER, FOREVER, if your partner does not start acknowledging you and communicating. 

 

This is the only tactic that has a chance of working, because the withholding partner doesn’t actually want the relationship to end. Your tormentor is deriving too much satisfaction out of dispensing punishment and seeing you suffer. Why you might want to remain with a sadist is your own business, but if you do want to try to save it, you have to threaten to leave and be willing to make good on your word if things don’t improve quickly. And if they do improve, you have to insist that you will be out the door if it ever, ever happens again.

 

 written by Thomas G. Fiffer an editor on goodmenproject.com

 

 

Your views are most welcome...