"I LOVE YOU, BUT..."

 

This past weekend my wife Nicole and I were out of town celebrating her birthday with her father and brother. It was a great weekend full of great food, drinks, music, and plenty of laughter. On one of the nights we hadn’t made solid plans, leaving it up to Nicole to pick where she wanted to eat. Out a desire to make sure everyone got something they wanted she was being a little indecisive, and that is when my fallibility started to creep in. I was starting to get a little frustrated; I was a little hungry and ready to go eat. It started to rumble low and wanted to rise to the surface which would have ended the night of celebration on some bad terms. I remember thinking to myself “I love her, but when she is like this it kind of pisses me off”. I had a serious choice to make; blurt it out or diffuse the frustration. Thankfully I chose the latter and the restaurant she picked was a fantastic hole in the wall sushi joint. I guess I had never really considered it before, but I realized there was a very specific way in which to diffuse such a thought. I realized there was a particular word in that line of thinking that was the crux for how the message would be received. It seems so insignificant but simply using it in a sentence can change the entire tone of a conversation. Using this word demands great caution because it really can ruin a perfectly good evening. That word is “but”.

 

Think about the last time someone used the word “but” in regards to a relationship with you, I’m willing to bet it wasn’t followed by a very positive message. Here are some I doubt I’m alone in having heard before; “I like you, BUT as a friend” “I love you, BUT not that way” “I feel the same way, BUT we can’t be together” The world outside of relationships is not safe from the scariness of “but”; “The project is on time, BUT it’s going to cost more” “I have news, BUT you’re not going to like it” “It is doable, BUT it won’t be easy” The word “but” has become ubiquitous with bad news that follows another thought. It is so ingrained into our culture that almost no matter what comes first our minds latch onto and remember the “but” more vividly. There are sayings and tropes all over just pointing out how much we focus on the catch that comes with this three letter word.

 

In regards to my marriage there would be plenty of opportunities like this past weekend for me, and for my wife, to say things like; “I love you, BUT (insert any random flaw)”. This way of talking and thinking is unhealthy and would be a breeding ground for that ultimate marriage destroyer; contempt. So in an effort to avoid future problems caused by a seemingly innocuous phrasing and thought process I wanted to find a better way. It would be easy to just say that I removed “but” from my vocabulary and lived happily ever after, but as you can see it is far too useful of a word. Instead I learned there is a way to use it still, one that takes it from being a harbinger of hurt to a messenger of good. All it takes is rearranging sentence and thought structures.

 

Rather than the easy way: “I love you, BUT this particular flaw pisses me off” I intentionally flip it around to: “This particular flaw pisses me off, BUT I love you so I can move past it.” In a moment of utter frustration I could take the root of naming her flaws and breaking her apart. If that became the habit my marriage would not be long. Instead I always want to bring it back to that love that binds us together. Sure she will upset me and there will be days I do not want to see her, BUT I love her and will forgive her and will want to be with her again because of that love.

 

Putting the “but” after love is treating it as a modifier, meaning that whatever follows somehow changes that love. My wife’s minor flaws do not and should not change my love for her. Instead love should come after the “but” so that whatever the complaint may be is modified by love. Love should come as a healer, removing the affects of flaws on how we feel about one another.

 

The phrase “I love you, but…” is just as terrible as “No offense, but…”, the first part of the sentence does not make the second any better. If anything it can come off as condescending and demeaning. Being careful in the words we use and meanings they convey can help stop a lot of arguments before they ever start. It might seem a silly matter of semantics, nevertheless if applied correctly it works. It must be more than just about speech but also thoughts as well. My thought process must include this reminder to bring it back to love; otherwise the unhealthy thoughts would eventually turn into the destructive messages. Saying it to myself in the proper way when I am upset with her can soothe my heart, it is the perfect reminder of why I do everything I do for her. She isn’t perfect, but I love my wife.

Written by Christian Clifton



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