I had a hot date.
I was nervous about it all day.
I didn’t know what to say or what to do.
I got dressed up and rushed out of the house, frantic that I’d be late.
I arrived at the movie theater just in time for Don Jon to start.
Then I went out for Mexican food and grabbed an ice cream for the walk home.
It was a really amazing date—by myself.
As part of The Artist’s Way, I have to take myself on weekly “artist dates,” in which I take myself out for two hours every week. It can be anything really—a museum, a movie, even a fancy meal—as long as I consider it art.
Dating yourself is a lot like dating another person.
At first it’s all an act.
You put on your best front, trying to impress yourself. You’re nervous and unsure how to just be yourself. But then suddenly happens—an accidental slip up. You reveal something personal. You learn something new about yourself. And, before you know it, that mask of perfection starts to fall off. You begin to realize things about yourself you never knew.
Relationships have way more to do with YOU than they do with another person.
It’s not as much about knowing how to be in a relationship as it is about knowing how to be with yourself. How many times do you think you’re angry when you’re really scared? Or emotional when you’re stressed about work? If you don’t know your own emotions, how can you expect another person to?
Why do we sabotage relationships?
Why do we self-destruct?
No matter how much we try, we’re never going to be in control of another person. We’re never going to be able to change their behavior. So we might as well figure out our part of the equation. It takes two people to make a bad relationship. It takes two people to make a healthy one too.
I’m talking about radical honesty here. I’m talking about the “I’m mad, but I’m going to say I’m not mad because I feel weak, so leave me alone for 10 minutes. But if you don’t come check on me, I’ll be even more mad.” If you know yourself, if you’re comfortable with yourself, if you’re honest with yourself—the rest is easy.
Listen, if someone else is weird-ed out by that type of honesty, then it’s the wrong person for you.
Be selfish.
Be totally selfish.
Selflessness is overrated—it just breeds resentment.
It starts that whole you-owe-me thinking. So be selfish every time.
If you don’t want to be there for a person out of your own volition, then you’re dating/engaged/married to the wrong person.
Why do we all settle?
Why do we feel like we don’t deserve exactly what we want?
That no one is going to love us if we are radically ourselves?
Self-awareness and self-esteem both start with knowing yourself. So take yourself out and get to know yourself so as to work on the weak areas and then enjoy the better side. Ask yourself out on a date. And I’m not talking about the cheap, fast date. Put a stake in the ground—show yourself exactly what you deserve. If you wouldn’t date yourself—your real self—then how can you expect anyone to date the real you? That’s why we put on this act. That’s why we downplay our emotions. Because we won’t even put up with it, so we’re sure no one else will.
THE CHALLENGE: Try it. Once a week for the next month, ask yourself out on a date. Mark your calendar early enough so you can’t change it. Fight the resistance when you try to cancel on yourself. Pick a nice place. And do it. Because you might learn something new about yourself. You might realize that you actually are a blast to hang out with. You might learn that you’re a fun date. You might learn that you deserve more… Not to mention the guiltless ice cream Sundays. But maybe that’s just me.
Originally published at bostonwellnesscoach.com.
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