THESE IS REALLY HARD BUT THE PERSPECTIVE IS THOUGHT PROVOKING.
I was perusing my Facebook
Newsfeed today and I came across a
status that said this:
“Yea I’m a b*tch but deal with it. I
wont be with anyone who cant
accept all of who I am!!!”
This was a grown woman. Apparently
college educated. Older than me.
It reminded me of a meme we’ve all
seen a thousand times. It has a few
variations, but it usually goes
something like this:
If you can’t accept me at my worst,
then you don’t deserve me at my
best.
This is such a popular sentiment that
it has its own Facebook fan
page with over 150,000 “likes.”
Of course, the original quote is from
Marilyn Monroe. It’s even more vapid
and nauseating when taken in its full
context:
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Out of all the profundities ever
uttered, what does it say about our
society that THIS is the quote we’ve
decided to take to heart?
It says that we need to read more
books.
Also, it says that we are horrible at
relationships.
Yes, it’s true that, in a marriage, we
must love our spouses in spite of
their flaws. It’s also true that we all
have flaws. But it’s ALSO true that
only an infantile, spoiled, egotistical
brat would ever treat a loved one
with “her worst” and expect them to
deal with it because her “best” will
somehow compensate for it.
Newsflash: It’s not OK to be selfish,
impatient, and out of control. These
traits, while common,
are UNacceptable. They should not
be accepted, least of all by the
people you claim to love. The onus is
on YOU to change your behavior and
your attitude, not on them to
“handle it.” Are you such a gem that
they should thank God for the
opportunity to be emotionally
abused by you, if only it earns them a
chance to bask in the glow of your
superiority?
Perhaps that’s how you see it, but
I’ve never met anyone quite that
charming.
This philosophy is poison, and it
stretches beyond one offensive
quote from a 20th century Playboy
Bunny. Often I read or hear people
whine that they ‘just want to find
someone who will accept them, no
matter what.’ But being “accepted”
should not be our relationship goal.
Healthy relationships are loving, but
also challenging, edifying, and even
occasionally painful.
Accept.
Definition: to receive with
approval or favor, to agree or
consent to.
Should our selfishness, impatience,
and weakness preclude us from
being loved? No. But should these
traits be “accepted”? Should they be
“received with approval or favor”?
Should our loved ones “consent” to
them?
No.
Big no.
Enormous, loud, screaming no.
Should we scoff at our husbands or
wives or boyfriends or girlfriends
and flippantly tell them to “handle
it,” as we behave in ways that will
hurt and offend them?
No. And if you think that — if you
REALLY think that — then you
shouldn’t be getting into
relationships at all.
You aren’t ready.
Further, does our “best” (which
probably isn’t as great as we
imagine it to be) make up for, or
negate, our “worst”?
No. Your worst is your worst. Fix it. Be
better. Nobody should have to put
up with it. Least of all the people you
love.
Love is a transformative force, and if
you want to experience it you better
be ready to change in every way
imaginable.
My wife does not
“accept me,” and thank God for that.
She challenges me. She makes me
better. In other words, she loves me.
What kind of a pathetic and dreary
goal is that, anyway — just wanting
to be “accepted,” tolerated, put up
with? That’s not why we’re put on
this planet. Life is not about gaining
“acceptance.” Life is change. It is not
static and stagnant, do you really
want your relationships to be?
We don’t emerge into the world as
eternally entitled princes and
princesses. We come into it as naked,
crying, helpless babies. Our job is to
grow out of that condition. And that
will take a lot of changing and a lot
of learning about what parts of us
are unsuitable and insufficient and
unacceptable. Sadly, some of us are
unwilling to endure that process, so
we never grow, and in failing to
grow we fail to live. It’s a tragedy.
Don’t ask anyone to “accept”
the bad parts of you. Instead,
strive to improve those parts.
Put in the effort. Make yourself
worthy of the love they’ve
offered you.
Forget what you learned in
elementary school. The only
“participation trophy” you’re
awarded from life is death. That’s the
one thing we all get just for showing
up. In the meantime, if you want
something better, you have to earn
it.
That means if you want better
relationships, you have to earn
them, too.
Written by Matt Walsh
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