TOO AFRAID TO LOVE EQUALS ONE SIDED LOVE!

Sometimes, no matter what you do or don’t do, it just won’t be enough.

Men can so easily be labeled as the problem or reason why relationships fail and I think undeservedly so. I think sometimes relationships fail because one partner is just too afraid to love.

There is a fine, fine line between giving love another chance, and knowing when to call it quit. Sometimes, no matter what you do, someone just isn’t ready, willing and able to make the dream relationship become a reality.

I’ll admit I’ve gotten stopped by this, myself. I’ve fallen victim to trying to live up to the image of Prince Charming or Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. This image may lead some people to hold unrealistic, unfair and perhaps unhealthy expectations for what I man should do to “save” a relationship. The movies and media portray this archetype of masculinity as unwavering, unfailing and unrelenting in the pursuit of his love. He overcomes every obstacle, test and gauntlet to win her hand and live happily ever after, but what about when the love doesn’t want to be loved? Or caught? Or sought after? What if the object of affection, herself, is the gauntlet?

Relationships won’t work out if both or all parties aren’t on board with equal investment, energy, commitment and devotion. I’m talking about the “I adore you even when you piss me off” devotion. The kind of devotion that happens when you see into someone’s soul and realize they are a true gift to you that you’d be willing to sacrifice anything for in order to keep. If both or all members of a relationship aren’t sharing this experience, it just won’t work. It is replaced with constant ambivalence which is toxic to both parties and effectively sabotages whatever they are trying to build. If the devotion isn’t there, if the vulnerability isn’t achieved and expressed, it’s just an intention. It takes commitment to actualize it into the beautiful thing many of us seek.

That’s why the whole “He’s Just Not That into You” thing really annoys me. I’ll admit, I never read the book or saw the movie so I’m running my mouth just based on an impression and I’ll claim that women may use the “he’s just not that into you” line as a convenient excuse for some men who gave up because they got tired of the game. I see a lot of women/people online and in real life, not wanting to be caught or loved and battling their own demons so fiercely that no man stands a chance. Welcome to the successful field of psychotherapy, right? Right. But in the meantime, I feel pretty bothered by how easily these women put the blame on their male counterparts when the onus is really on them.

“He wasn’t man enough.”

“He wasn’t willing to love my wounds.”

“He wasn’t patient enough.”

Consider that he might not be into you because you aren’t into you. And it’s your work to love yourself so you can love another person.

Love isn’t an endless fountain of love, patience and unlimited tries unless both people are having the experience each person deserves. If you aren’t pulling your weight and delivering, you don’t get to take and take and blame when the supply runs out. It’s not fair. And it’s worth exploring what’s happening with folks who persist so, um, persistently, with folks who play hard to get. It can become a symbiosis of who really feels unworthy of love more?

It’s happening in all relationships. It happens when a person isn’t able to admit his/her imperfections and bring humility to the table. It happens when both people aren’t responsible for their words, actions and habits that, if changed, would help foster more trust, love and intimacy.

We can’t be afraid to love, if loving and being loved is truly what we want.

One person isn’t responsible for keeping a relationship going and doing all the work, even if he may be physically stronger and taught by society to endure at all costs.

I don’t agree when the cost is the experience he deserves to have as a part of a whole.

When both people are giving and receiving, and it happens on both ends, willingly, it’s a win-win. That’s love.

 

 Written by Dillan DiGiovanni at The Good Men Project

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