It’s so tempting, when we’re disappointed or
frustrated with our relationship, to turn into the play-by-play commentator. “I
did the cleaning and the shopping,” we say on an over-scheduled weekend. “You
just did one errand.” Or “I initiated sex three times this month
and you only did twice.” Or “We’re way over budget this month
but you splurged on those pricey new boots so I’m booking my weekend in Vail.”
Who wins? It’s a race to the bottom.
Researchers for Cornell’s Legacy Project asked
1500 older people “What are the most important lessons you have learned over
the course of your life?” They conducted extensive interviews on a
variety of topics, including the secrets of a successful marriage.
These elders were emphatic that marriage is not
a 50-50 proposition. One man said both partners need to be giving 100
percent all the time. (Tall order). Kay, a seventy-something
married 54 years, described it as 90-10. “Sometimes you’re on the 90,”
she observed, “and sometimes you’re on the 10.” One partner is ill for a
while, or just has a tough day, and that one is on the receiving end.
Hours or days or months later, the tables turn.
It’s a give and take. That’s why turning
into a World Cup announcer is not a good way to make a championship
marriage. As soon as we start counting who’s done what, we have pulled
away from a mutual relationship with our partner and begun instead to criticize
and judge them. Usually at that point our partner puts on an emotional
helmet. Whether they get defensive or fall into stony silence,
they stop listening.
We get better results if we stay on the field, building
and nurturing our relationship. Often we need to call a time-out to calm
ourselves down when we’re upset. When we’re ready to talk, instead of
tearing each other down, we huddle. We’re open to each other’s ideas.
And we let each other know we appreciate the effort.
Does this mean holding back on situations that
concern or anger us? Certainly not! But instead of calling
penalties on our partner, we talk in a gentle, non-threatening way. “I’m
exhausted on the weekends. I’d like us to build some relaxation into the
schedule and I need your help.” Or “When you initiate sex, I feel desired
and loved.” (That’s if you are married) Or
“Let’s sit down and sort out our finances so we can plan some big purchases.”
When we talk clearly and honestly, without
blaming, the game changes. Before long, we start to feel like a team.
That way everybody wins.
by Jean
Fitzpatrick and Originally Published at TherapistNYC.com
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