ONE OF THE GOOD REASON TO MARRY: A LETTER TO MY SON

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Dear Son,

 

It seems like yesterday you were blowing poop out of your diaper onto your mother’s lap. Yet here we are, on the verge of the birds-and-the-bees conversation. The poop was way easier.

 

Before we talk about sex, though, I want to talk about marriage. Not because I’ll shun you or shame you if you don’t put them in that order — although I hope you will — but because I believe the only good reason to get married will bring clarity to every other aspect of your life, including sex.

Buddy, you’re probably going to want to get married for all the wrong reasons. We all do. In fact, the most common reason to get married also happens to be the most dangerous: we get married because we think it will make us happy. Getting married in order to be happy is the surest way to get divorced.

 

There are beautiful marriages. But marriages don’t become beautiful by seeking happiness; they become beautiful by seeking something else. Marriages become beautiful when two people embrace the only good reason to get married: to practice the daily sacrifice of their egos.

 

Ego. You may be hearing that word for the first time. It probably sounds foreign and confusing to you.

 

This is what it means to me:

Your ego is the part of you that protects your heart. You were born with a good and beautiful heart, and it will never leave you. But when I was too harsh toward you, or your friends began to make fun of your extracurricular choices, you started to doubt if your heart was good enough. Don’t worry, it happens to all of us at some point.

 

And so your mind began to build a wall around your heart. That happens to all of us, too. It’s like a big castle wall with a huge moat — it keeps us safe from invaders who might want to get in and attack our hearts. And thank goodness for your ego-wall! Your heart is worthy of protection, buddy.

At first, we only use the ego-wall to keep people out. But eventually, as we grow up, we get tired of hiding fearfully and we decide the best defense is a good offense. We put cannons on our ego-wall and we start firing. For some people, that looks like anger. For other people, it looks like gossip and judgment and divisiveness. One of my favorite ego-cannons is to pretend everyone on the outside of my wall is wrong. It makes me feel right and righteous, but really it just keeps me safe inside of my ideas. I know I’ve fired my ego-cannons at you from time to time, and for that I’m truly sorry.

Sometimes we need our cannons to survive. Most of the time we don’t.

 

Both men and women have ego-walls with cannons. But you’re going to be a man soon, so it’s important to tell you what men tend do with their ego-walls — we justify them by pretending they are essential to being a “real” man. Really, most of us are just afraid our hearts won’t be good enough for the people we love, so we choose to stay safe and protected behind high walls with lots of cannons.

Can you see how that might be a problem for marriage?

 

If you fall into the trap of thinking your ego-wall is essential to being a man, it will destroy any chance of having an enduringly joyful marriage. Because, in the end, the entire purpose of marriage is to dismantle your ego-wall, brick by brick, until you are fully available to the person you love. Open. Vulnerable. Dangerously united.

 

Buddy, people have sex because for a moment at the climax of it, their mind is without walls, the ego goes away and they feel free and fully connected. With sex, the feeling lasts for only a moment. But if you commit yourself to marriage, you commit yourself to the long, painful, joyous work of dismantling your ego-walls for good. Then, the moment can last a lifetime.

 

Many people are going tell you the key to a happy marriage is to put God at the center of it, but I think it depends upon what your experience of God does for your ego. Because if your God is one of strength and power and domination, a God who proves you’re always right and creates dividing lines by which you judge everyone else, a God who keeps you safe and secure, I think you should keep that God as far from the center of your marriage as you can. He’ll only build your ego-wall taller and stronger.

 

But if the God you experience is a vulnerable one, the kind of God that turns the world upside down and dwells in the midst of brokenness and embraces everyone on the margins and will sacrifice anything for peace and reconciliation and wants to trade safety and security for a dangerous and risky love, then I agree, put him right at the center of your marriage. If your God is in the ego-dismantling business, he will transform your marriage into sacred ground.

 

What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Marry someone who has also embraced the only good reason to get married.

 

Someone who will commit to dying alongside you — not in 50 years, but daily, as they dismantle the walls of their ego with you.

 

Someone who will be more faithful to you than they are to their own safety.

Someone willing to embrace the beauty of sacrifice, the surrender of their strength and the peril of vulnerability.

 

In other words, someone who wants to spend their one life stepping into a crazy, dangerous love with you and only you.

 

With my walls down,

Dad

 

This post originally appeared on DrKellyFlanagan.com

 

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I Married My Bride For A Reason...

I love my wife. Dearly. I love her deeply.

 

I work at a car dealership with a bunch of divorced testosterone, and I’m pretty sure I’m an oddity. There’s married fellas there too, and one or two actually love their wives, I think, or at least get along with them. But I hear the ragging on the ladies, and it disappoints me. I wonder, upon hearing one of their divorce stories, if their exes were really bitches, or if they became bitches from being married to jerks. Neither being a bitch nor being a jerk is justified, but it becomes a vicious cycle that feeds off itself, like the snake eating its own tail.

 

I wonder how many of those fellas really put some effort into their relationship, too. It doesn’t require much, to be honest. It just means giving a shit about the person they married. They married them for a reason, one would hope.

 

I married my bride for a reason.

That reason was that my heart finally found its beat.

 

Where I work, there’s a couple of guys, younger than me, who are brothers. I’m friends with both. The older one just asked his girlfriend to marry him. The younger one spends his lunch time arguing on the phone with his. (That one looked up at me, after one of those “conversations”, and asked why he put up with “this shit”. I asked him why he was still going out with her if she was such a problem.) The older one, who asked his girl to marry him, once found out about one of the romantic things I did for my wife, and asked what else I do for her. And he told me some ideas of his own. I hope he feels inspired to do similar things, and takes a very different path from his younger brother…

 

If he were to ask me my thoughts on romance, and if I had any advice, I would tell him to read a couple books, Google something, and then watch a “chick flick”. The 5 Love languages (by Gary Chapman) 1,001 Ways to Be Romantic (by Greg Godel) Google: “four types of love in Greek” Then, watch a chick flick. If it makes him uncomfortable, he can lock the doors, turn off his phone, pull the shades, and settle in. Then, as he watches it, he should imagine himself and his lady/girlfriend/wife in the lead roles, and ask himself how it would make him feel to experience what was going on in the movie. Better yet, watch several different kinds of romantic movies, over several nights, and do this.

 

The point of all of this is two-fold: 

1) Love isn’t just something that happens. It’s a skill to be learned and mastered. It doesn’t take much, but I’ve found that the more I do, the more I want to do. In order to maintain the feelings of love, and to express one’s love for her, one must act. And yes, marriage *does* require work. Sometimes it takes a little more. But more often than that, it simply means finding small things to do for her. She will notice.

 

2) If a fella’s gonna marry his belle, he needs to know *why* he’s doing it. He needs to understand that it’s not just something he does because it’s the thing to do. It’s not just something to do because she makes him feel great. He needs some introspection–serious introspection.

 

In short, he needs to understand *himself* first. He needs to understand her some too, before he marries her, but if he’s reasonably sure this is a good thing to do (and the thoughts and opinions of *trustworthy* friends and family are giving him green flags), then he can spend the rest of his life growing in his knowledge of her.

 

I have many interests–too many for this life, I’m afraid. But my favorite subject is my Bride!

She constantly fascinates me, and I feel driven to express my awe and love for her whenever I can. And the look on her face–her entire reaction–when I do something loving, is totally worth the effort.

 

Written by Daniel Bean

 

 

 

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CHEAP BUT ROMANTIC DATE FOR YOU...

“I’m a single, college guy so how bout some articles on creative, free dates or something. I’m sure this could apply to married men as well.”

Great question — I particularly love it because it’s something that I’ve become good at myself over the years. Yes, I’m a cheapskate, but I’m also a bit of a romantic. So I’ve had to get creative in order to win my date over without spending too much. What follows are just some ideas — the key is to use your imagination, and you’ll be able to come up with a bunch of your own.

But here are some that have worked for me, and that I hope work for you:

Picnic. One of my favorites. I like to pack a basket with home-made sandwiches (really hearty, good ones with good bread), fruits, cheese, desserts, candies, wine, snacks and all the utensils and napkins. Find a great spot for the picnic — sunset is probably the most romantic time.

Treasure hunt. Another favorite. I set this up beforehand, writing clues on pieces of paper and leaving them all around town. Each clue led to the next, and at the end was a gift. You’ll have a blast driving around. It’s best if the places and clues are meaningful to the two of you.

Home-cooked meal with candles. A specialty of mine. Even if you can only cook one thing well, you’ve got it made. Pasta or steaks are easy and sure bets (although I don’t eat steak anymore). A good dessert tops it off well. The candles are a nice touch. Pick some flowers too. Most women love a man who can cook, especially for them.

Massage. This is most likely only appropriate if you’ve been going out for a few dates, but if you’re close enough for a good massage, this will win her over. Get some scented massage oil. Do the entire body, starting with the head, down to the neck, the back, legs and feet.

The beach. I live on an island, so this one’s easy. If you don’t have a beach, any other nice natural setting, like lake or river or mountain, will also work. You can pack a picnic, or just get some bathing suits and some beer and have a great time.

Festivals. Look in your local paper … you might find all kinds of festivals, from movies to dance to desserts and more. They cost very little, and they are a blast. Walk around, make jokes, sample everything.

Old movie marathon. Nothing’s more romantic than great old movies. Rent a bunch of them on DVD, pop some popcorn, get some candy, and watch them in your living room wrapped in blankets. A few sure-fire recommendations: Casablanca, Roman Holiday, Some Like It Hot, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, hell anything with Audrey Hepburn.

Window shopping. Walk around and look at stuff at some of your favorite stores — antique stores, used bookstores, unique clothing. Try stuff on. Make fun of stuff. Make it fun.

Watch meteors. Get a blanket and look up at the stars. It’s best if there’s a meteor shower — shooting stars are magical. Otherwise, learn a few constellations and point them out to her. Ponder the mysteries of the universe.

Play in the snow or water. If you’ve got snow,

you’ve got magic. Otherwise, a pool or ocean or lake are also great ways to play. Playful is good. So is a little innocent physical contact. Roll around!

Museum. I love museums. They’re fascinating. If the girl thinks they’re fascinating too, you’ve got a winner.

Zoos are fun too.

Also carnivals.

Buy cotton candy.

Family barbecues. If you’ve been on a couple dates, you might be comfortable bringing her to a family gathering. A casual one like a barbecue is probably better to start with than Thanksgiving dinner or something. Although, going to a wedding is also fun. Barbecues are great because there’s good food and it’s free! Also, if your family is a lot of fun, you’ve got free entertainment!

Shakespeare. I like watching plays, especially by the Bard. If the girl likes that too … well, she’s worth her weight in gold, as far as I’m concerned. And Shakespeare is very romantic. Quote her some lines afterward.

Sundaes. Delicious and fun. Share toppings.

Poetry reading. These can be a lot of fun, especially if you have a poem you can go up and read. Write one especially for her and tell everyone it’s dedicated to her. Poetry can be very romantic (unless it’s the angry kind, in which case it’s a lot of fun).

Again, you can probably come up with a million more of your own ideas.

I hope these spark some good ones!

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How to Love an Angry Man: Understanding and Helping Your Partner

We all get angry at times. When we feel we’re threatened we react with anger. But we know people who get overly angry or their anger causes problems with their relationships at home or at work. I was one of those people. I wrote two books about how it impacted me and how I learned to help myself and my clients:  The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression and Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from The Irritable Male Syndrome.

 

When I did research for The Irritable Male Syndrome I developed a quiz to help people better understand their anger and whether it was causing a problem in their lives. Thus far more than 30,000 people have taken the quiz. Men take it to learn about themselves. Women take it to better understand and help the man in their lives.

 

One of the things I learned in grappling with my own anger and those of my clients was how anger in men was often a sign of depression or bipolar disorder.  My father suffered from both of these disorders. I also have suffered from both depression and bipolar disorder. When I was irritable and manic or frustrated and depressed, I wasn’t easy to live with. The thing we want and need the most is love and understanding, but our emotions often illicit sympathy and our partner often withdraws in fear or reacts back with anger.

 

My wife used to tell me that I would get “that beady-eyed look” when I was angry. She said it would chill her to the core. Often the more she withdrew the more angry I would become and, of course, the more she would withdraw, a vicious cycle that would just make the problem worse. 

 

Here some tips I’ve found helpful:

1. Understand that an irritable and angry man is often hungry for love.

Andrew Solomon wrote a very personal and comprehensive look at depression and describes the relationship between depression and love. In The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, he says, “Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair.”

 

When I was angry it was often because I was feeling desperately lovely and cut off from others. I recognized that my anger was pushing away the very people I needed to love me, but I often couldn’t reverse the negative cycle of anger, withdrawal, and more anger.

 

2. Recognize that you are not to blame for your partner’s anger.

When a man gets aggressive and angry, it often appears to him like someone must be to blame for his unhappiness. He often directs his anger at others and you may feel like the target. Sometimes you can start to feel like you are the problem and you come to believe that you really are bad.

 

Don’t let yourself believe it. You are not to blame for his anger and you aren’t really the target. Laura Huxley wrote a wonderful book, You Are Not the Target: Recipes for Living and Loving. Huxley says, “At one time or another the more fortunate among us make three startling discoveries.

 

Discovery number one: Each one of us has, in varying degree, the power to make himself and others feel better or worse.

Discovery number two: Making others feel better is much more rewarding than making them feel worse.

Discovery number three: Making others feel better generally makes us feel better.”

 

Helping yourself feel better and helping an angry man can be a gift to you both.

 

3. Be aware that under his anger is hurt.

Most angry men feel deeply wounded. It can help you listen to his anger with love and understanding if you are aware that the angry man is often covering his hurt with anger. Once he’s cooled down a bit. Ask him to tell you more about the hurt and pain he’s experiencing. That may trigger more anger, but most often it will help him get in touch with his sadness. Once  he can share his pain, he is well on his way to healing.

 

4. Be willing to see the fear under the hurt.

One of the most difficult things for me to accept was that I was feeling a great deal of fear. I was afraid of many things: that I wouldn’t be successful as a man, that I’d let myself and my family down, and that I was causing damage to my relationship and hurting those I loved the most. I was deeply afraid of my own feelings and that my behavior and emotions would drive my wife away.  Being able to recognize my own fears and eventually talk about them was tremendously freeing.

 

5. Once fear is expressed, we recognize that we carry a great deal of guilt.

Most of us feel guilty for what we do or fail to do. I felt guilty that I wasn’t being a better husband and father. I felt guilty that I couldn’t seem to control my emotions and felt like a stick of dynamite that always had a short fuse. The angrier I would get, the guiltier I would become. I hid the guilt with more anger.  Allowing myself to recognize my guilt enabled me to deal with the most difficult emotion, shame.

 

6. Shame is an emotion most men feel, but are ashamed to show.

Where guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong, shame is the experience of being bad at the core of our being. We are ashamed of who we are and we are ashamed of feeling ashamed. James Gilligan, M.D. has studied the causes of aggression and violence for more than thirty years. In his book, Violence:  Our Deadly Epidemic and Its Causes, he says, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed.”

 

Helping a man accept his feelings of shame may take a long time. I know it took me many years, but when I could talk about the times in my life I felt ashamed and the people and situations that triggered shame, it was the final step in being able to love myself.

 

7. Accepting all our feelings including anger, hurt, fear, guilt, and shame allow us to heal old wounds and find the love we so desperately need.

Once we recognize that all our feelings are OK, that there aren’t really “good” feelings or “bad” feelings, it’s easier to accept our own feelings as well as the feelings of those we love. Rather than turning away from a man’s anger, we can turn towards him and help him move through all the feelings on the way to love.

 

It’s good to remember the old adage:  When you’re going through hell, it’s best not to stop. All feelings will take us to love if we keep on going.

 

  Written by Jed Diamond PhD. for goodmenproject.com

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BE THE MOTHER-IN-LAW TO LOVE... HERE IS THE SECRET.

 

And here’s what those lessons boiled down to:

 

1. You’re lucky because boys will bring you far less drama. (True so far.)

 

2. You’re lucky because boys looooove their mamas. (True. So true.)

 

3. A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. (Whoa! What?)

 

My first reaction was ain’t no hussy gonna walk up in my house and take my boys away from me! Then I thought (or maybe my husband said), “That might not be a great way to start.” And since realistically I’m unable to lock them up in the basement for the rest of their lives (only because we don’t have one), I came up with another, more long-range plan: Help make him the kind of man she’ll love me for.

 

Here are 26 ways I’m trying to do that.

 

1. Teach your boys to respect women as equals.

 

2. Help him learn to listen, not just hear.

 

3. Make sure he knows how to cook, clean and change a baby’s diaper — and that he understands none of this is “a woman’s domain.”

 

4. Make him do something he’s not good at. Make him finish it.

 

5. Plant deep within him the knowledge that showing affection is a sign of strength not weakness.

 

6. Help him learn that no matter how old he gets, he can still find joy in playing.

 

7. Show by example that a wife and mom has the right to her a life outside of those roles — a career, hobbies, volunteering, whatever fulfills her.

 

8. Make sure he knows how to be by himself and be okay. Teach him about “me” time — and that everybody deserves a little.

 

9. Teach him about perspective, and how sometimes a small shift can change everything.

 

10. Show him you can be counted on so he knows he deserves a woman who’ll always be there for him.

 

11. Don’t rescue him from every little situation. Let him figure out how to stand on his own two feet.

 

12. Teach him that kindness wins.

 

13. Show him how to march to the beat of his own drummer. Take off your shoes and dance along in your bare feet when he does.

 

14. Raise a man who stands up for the little guy.

 

15. Teach him that real men wear pink. There’s nothing like a man who’s confident in who he is.

 

16. Show him that marriage is a garden that needs tending forever.

 

17. Teach him teamwork — and to give credit where credit is due.

 

18. Help him to see not just the big things, but also the small things that others do for him, and to show his gratitude willingly and often.

 

19. His first dates should be with you. Teach him how to treat a real woman — and how he should be treated by one in return.

 

20. Help him learn to be more than tolerant –to embrace differences. How boring we’d all be if we surrounded ourselves with people just like us all the time.

 

21. Teach him to be both a gracious winner and loser.

 

22. Make sure he appreciates the sounds of others’ voices at least as much as he likes the sound of his own.

 

23. Expose him to the farthest corners of our world to the best of your ability, even if that means in books and in your own kitchen.

 

24. Teach him tenacity. Perseverance is far more than half the battle.

 

25. Help him learn what it means to be emotionally intimate — how to talk about feelings and to support and be supported by the people he loves.

 

26. Make sure he knows that he’s loved beyond measure.

 

I may not always live up to the high standards I’ve set for myself. But I’ll easily accomplish #26 every hour of every day – and nothing is more important than that. So line up, little ladies. Get out that rainbow loom and whip up a promise bracelet as fast as you can. Because someday my boys are gonna stop pretending to be heroes and actually become them. You’re gonna want to be first in line.

 

Written by Suzanne Fleet.



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