LESSONS FROM PAST RELATIONSHIP...

I opened up the email and realized within the first few lines that I had lost a friend.

I had been trying for a full week to get in touch with my ex- girlfriend to get an explanation as to why she had called me at one o’clock in the morning.

 “Don’t ever treat another girl like that again.” Her voice had never sounded so stern, purposeful.

We had split eight months prior. Though we didn’t hang out much afterwards, I considered it a healthy breakup. All of our interactions seemed genuine. I still liked her company and she mine (or so I thought at the time). I assumed we were going to remain friends. As I continued to read her words, she explained that she had grown to realize ours was an unhealthy relationship made so, in her mind, by my actions and inactions.

I was angry, confused, and even a bit shocked. Yes we had our bad moments, especially towards the end of our time together, but who doesn’t? I mean, I had been a good partner. Right?

The fact is I wasn’t. There are many things that can turn a good relationship into a negative one — or prevent a potential relationship from becoming great.In this article, I’ll go through the things I could have done better. I hope that readers can learn from it, and that I will remind myself how to properly grow and sustain a relationship.

1. Enter A Relationship On Your Own Terms 

 If you live on a small campus there is going to be crossover between friends, roommates, teammates, etc. So, it is likely that people will know who your love interests are. Since she and I had a fair amount of mutual friends—and were even living with some of them at the time—they were the first to know when the two of us became interested in each other. I was unsure as to whether I wanted to date her, something I needed to figure out from the beginning. I was uneasy, and my nerves only compounded when I heard that some people we knew thought I was being too wishy-washy or was taking too long to commit. What I should have done was ask for more time to seriously think about it. Instead, I decided to give our relationship a shot. My reasoning was that it might work out, but a large part of it was that I just wanted the peanut gallery to shut up. A person should enter into a relationship because they want to be with someone , not because they felt pressured to do so. This and the following points are quite obvious, so much so that they almost become invisible if not addressed. I made the error of not doing so. Later on in our relationship, I would find myself wondering why I was dating her. Some of my close friends echoed the same questions because they knew I was unhappy.

2. Know What You Like About Your Partner. We shared a few common interests, had mutual friends, and the physical attraction was there. But outside of that, I can’t pinpoint exactly what I had enjoyed about her. I hadn’t had the chance to really meet her beyond a handful of dates and larger gatherings. I should have gotten to know her better and, most importantly, understand what I liked about her and what I was looking for. Anyone going into a relationship needs to do this for their own benefit and for the benefit of their partner. I didn’t and it caused a lot of angst later on.

3. Remind Yourself What You Appreciate in Your Partner. It can be too easy to concentrate on your partner’s shortcomings, especially when things are not going well. They are more than a person who forgets to lock the door every night, or somebody who runs the dishwasher differently than you. They have interests, goals, and history. You like them for some reason, and they you. Remember that. Periodically reminding yourself what it is you like about your partner keeps feelings of affection close to the surface instead of being bogged down in inconsequential annoyances. I should have taken the time to remind myself for what she was: a dedicated student, talented dancer, and loving person.

4. Make It More Than About Sex.

She had never dated somebody before and I damn well should have known better. There were plenty of things I could have done something to improve the quality of our time together: surprise her with a card in her mailbox, go ice skating, walk her to/from class, volunteer with her, etc. Though it may seem trivial, doing these little things reminds the person you are with that they are important to you. My lack of caring was made evident by my lack of effort to do any of the things I just mentioned. If I did, maybe I could have found something that would have made the relationship happier, healthier.

5. Share Your Thoughts and Feelings.

Duh, right? This is another one of those obvious relations concepts that can be forgotten if not actively addressed. Keep in mind, one should feel just as inclined to share the good as the bad. Telling your partner what is making you happy goes hand-in-hand with all that is listed above. Of course some incompatibility is certain. Letting your partner know what is bothering you early on cannot only solve the problem quicker, but keeps you focused on the positive aspects of one another. When we would get in arguments, I would be so concentrated on what I thought she did wrong or how I hated having these conversations, that much of my time outside of those moments would be spent trying to avoid having another conflict instead of enjoying her company. This would cause the tension between us to build up, causing yet another an argument. We would spend late nights trying to amend things and be emotionally and physically exhausted the next day. (Sometimes it’s better to just get your sleep. Things will become clearer with proper rest; the problem may even resolve itself once emotions have died down.) Confronting the issues right away would have allowed me to concentrate on bettering our relationship.

Your views are most welcome...