Why being alone can be the best thing for you.
A
surprising number of people fear being alone. Maybe just about all of us do to
some extent.
We
fear being without a partner, or friends and family. We fear traveling alone in
strange places, lost without anyone to ask for help. We fear taking on life
without help, for fear of failure.
This
is natural, this fear of being alone. We’ve all felt it, deep within us, though
we try desperately to avoid this fear.
And
this is the cause of our misery: to avoid this fear of being alone, we will
socialize endlessly, including on social networks and email. To avoid being
alone, we’ll end up with someone who isn’t really good for us, just to have
someone to cling to, someone to rely on. We’ll eat junk food or shop to comfort
ourselves, because these things are replacements for love.
But
here’s the secret: being alone is empowering. The quiet of being alone is
joyful.
We
tend to see aloneness as bleak, depressing, scary. But it can be seen as
freeing, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to get to know yourself.
This
is something I’ve been learning the hard way. I had the fear of aloneness for
many years, but learning emotional self-sufficiency is one of the best things
I’ve done.
Sit
quietly for a minute, now, and turn inward. Who are you? What are you capable
of? What do you think about?
Can
you accept yourself, when you look closely at yourself?
Can
you see the beauty in yourself, as you learn something new? As you contemplate
life?
This
is nothing to fear, but to celebrate. Aloneness is beauty.
Relationships and Aloneness
Does
learning to be OK with being alone mean you can’t be in a relationship? Not at
all, — but if you aren’t OK with being alone, then being in a relationship is
going to be fundamentally flawed.
Why?
Because you become dependent; you need the other person, not only to pay bills
and help you manage, not only to protect you and provide for you, but for
emotional needs. You need the other person to pay attention to you, to give you
validation and comfort and love. Now, all of those things are nice, but needing someone else for them means you
become needy, desperate, and those aren’t attractive qualities. Who wants
to be in a relationship with a needy, desperate person?
Much
more attractive is confidence.
And
self-sufficiency.
And
strength.
So
learn to be OK with being alone. Learn to provide for all of your emotional
needs. Learn that you are OK, just as you are, without anyone else to “complete you”.
What
if you’re already in a relationship? This is what I’ve been dealing with myself
— it’s still doable. It means noticing when you’re being needy, and backing
off. Taking care of your needs yourself. This is a slow process, but it works.
Once
you’ve got that down, you are in a much better place to be in a relationship.
You’re now two whole people, coming together for the benefit of the both of
you.
The Joy of Being Alone
Aloneness
can be a scary thing, but it can also be a joyful thing.
You
can celebrate the times when you’re alone. Get to know yourself. Do things that
rely on very little — reading a good book, writing, playing music, dancing
alone, sketching, learning a new skill. Go for hikes; discover the world
without needing to instantly share it online.
Be
alone and be happy with yourself.
You
deserve it.
Your views are most welcome...
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