I think most of us have a long
laundry list of expectations in a
relationship, even more so if vows
were exchanged. Is that not what a
vow is, a promise to behave in a
certain predictable way, day in and
day out, year after year?
My expectations for my partner
and my marriage looked like this:
1) My husband would be faithful to
me.
2) My husband would be honest with
me at all times about his thoughts,
feelings and desires.
3) My husband would communicate
openly to me his dreams and fears.
4) My husband would put me above
all others and hold our relationship
sacred.
5) My husband would always have
my best interests at heart and have
my back.
6) My husband was trustworthy and a
“good” person.
7) My husband and I would continue
on in our partnership until death do
us part.
Pretty standard fare for a marriage
yes?
You might have similar expectations
of your marriage; I think most
people do, married or not. Any
significant relationship probably has
an unspoken web of expectations
encasing it.
Clearly those were the big ticket
expectations that I am acutely aware
of now. There were a million
other little daily expectations within
our relationship as well, things that
fall under the heading of common
courtesy like letting the other
person know if you were running
late.
I have only recently become aware
of how much my expectations trip
me up in my relationships, even to
this day. Actually, my expectations
trip me up daily. When the
expectation is broken, I feel let
down.
By the time you reach adulthood you
are operating under, at minimum,
gender, cultural, and familial
expectations. You could also have
religious or career expectations
placed upon you as well. Take a
moment to think about how those
expectations define your day, your
activities, your intentions, your
internal dialogue, and your
interactions within your most
significant personal relationships.
Does your wife expect you to take
out the garbage because that is how
her parents modeled a relationship
to her, or because that is a “man’s
job”? Has this ever created tension
or an argument in our relationship?
Is that expectation serving your
relationship positively?
I see expectations as rigid rules of
how someone should behave. I am
the one setting those rules, and
most of them are un-communicated
to you. Good luck with that, I hope
you passed mind-reading for
beginners. I further expect you to
anticipate me having those
expectations of you. Is that fair to
you, or me? No. What would be fair is
clear communication, minimizing
expectations, and the expression of
heartfelt gratitude.
Is it even possible to build a long-
term relationship without the seven
big-ticket expectations I noted
above? I don’t think that is a
relationship I want to participate in.
I
could, however, feel and express
more gratitude on a regular basis
when those key ingredients are
being offered to me in an intimate
context. We all have that choice.
Instead of expecting your partner to
be happy waking up next to you in
the morning, why not choose a
stance of gratitude that today they
are choosing to share their life with
you?
What I have learned is that without
expectation, there is no
disappointment. Another thing I
have learned deeply is that having
an expectation of someone else’s
behavior can only lead to problems,
as it suggests we have some control
over that person. That perhaps we
can manipulate the situation to a
favorable outcome for ourselves
based on our vested interests. When
I have a moment of detachment and
gratitude in my relationships I feel
great peace and love about the
relationship, the other and myself.
Expectations always set you up for an
emotionally-based response.
Positive if the expectation is met,
negative if the expectation is not
met.
It is only through detachment
and mindful observation of my
thoughts that I have become
aware of what is an
expectation in a relationship
versus a wish/desire, and it is only
then that I can begin challenging
these expectations on their
usefulness. Actor Michael J. Fox is
quoted as saying: “My happiness
grows in direct proportion to my
acceptance, and in inverse
proportion to my expectations.” Do
my expectations promote wellness
and loving calm within my intimate
relationships, or do they set me up
for failure? I was in the infancy of
emotional control when I was
working with my psychologist on
expectations. Having graduated
kindergarten now, I am ready to
practice detaching from
expectations. I am starting to
replace, “you should have” with, “I
am grateful for”. You need to know
my failure rate is sitting at about 99
percent right now, but practice will
lead to integration over time.
Here are some gratitude-based
statements I could replace my
seven marital expectations with:
1) I am grateful you choose me
today, because I know you have a
choice about where you direct your
love and energy.
2) I am grateful for this honest
conversation, because I know that
intimacy and connection require
brave vulnerability which is not easy
or comfortable.
3) I am grateful you are sharing your
dreams and fears with me, and I do
not judge you for them.
4) I am grateful that you are
directing a significant amount of
your energy into our relationship
when there are so many distractions
in your day.
5) I am grateful for you disagreeing
with me, because I know that you
challenging me promotes my
personal growth.
6) I am grateful for your consistent
demonstration of trustworthy
behavior and loving actions.
7) I am grateful that we have today;
may we be blessed with tomorrow.
How much more peaceful would
your relationship be if you
relinquished some of your
expectations, discussed other
expectations, and threw in some
gratitude along the way? I have recently come to
understand that gratitude comes
from a much deeper place in my
soul. Appreciation is superficial,
while gratitude dwells in reverence
and love.
Written by Rebecca Wissink
edited.
Your views are most welcome...
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