In a word: Trust.
I don’t cheat because, for me, love
and all its facets are based on trust.
Being loved, in a romantic sense,
means opening oneself to someone
and being accepted in every respect.
That kind of openness requires an
incredible amount of trust.
Think of all the things we keep hidden from the world on any given day. Think of the thoughts and fears and insecurities we don’t broadcast. On behalf of the world, I’d like to say, “Thanks! Good call!” I guarantee that even if I don’t mind listening to strangers whisper their secrets and insecurities to me while waiting at the bus stop, someone else does. That’s not because I don’t have insecurities and character flaws myself—we all do. Maybe we’ve always been self-conscious about the size of our feet or our peculiar sexual peccadilloes. Perhaps we just have poor math skills or still resent our older brother.
Regardless of what our foibles and flaws are, we need boundaries because otherwise we’d never be able to tolerate one another. Despite the fact that boundaries are important, we also need a safe place to relax those boundaries. Otherwise we’re living in isolation. That’s where having a relationship based on trust comes in. A trusting relationship gives us a place to drop our boundaries with someone—a small, safe place to be our genuine selves in a world that keeps rigid rules about decorum.
Think of all the things we keep hidden from the world on any given day. Think of the thoughts and fears and insecurities we don’t broadcast. On behalf of the world, I’d like to say, “Thanks! Good call!” I guarantee that even if I don’t mind listening to strangers whisper their secrets and insecurities to me while waiting at the bus stop, someone else does. That’s not because I don’t have insecurities and character flaws myself—we all do. Maybe we’ve always been self-conscious about the size of our feet or our peculiar sexual peccadilloes. Perhaps we just have poor math skills or still resent our older brother.
Regardless of what our foibles and flaws are, we need boundaries because otherwise we’d never be able to tolerate one another. Despite the fact that boundaries are important, we also need a safe place to relax those boundaries. Otherwise we’re living in isolation. That’s where having a relationship based on trust comes in. A trusting relationship gives us a place to drop our boundaries with someone—a small, safe place to be our genuine selves in a world that keeps rigid rules about decorum.
Needing someone you can trust is all
well and good, but creating trust is a
two way street. How can I trust
someone who doesn’t trust me?
How can I expect someone to trust
me if I don’t allow myself to trust
them?
Those questions were rhetorical. I
can’t.
That’s why it’s so important for me
to be honest and forthright with my
wife. Otherwise, I’m showing her
that I’m not safe to be open with.
And if she doesn’t feel safe being
open with me, then I can’t feel safe
being honest and forthright with
her. It’s a system that’s based on
reciprocity.
“Cheating” means actions that
undermine our ability to trust and
love someone. Sexual cheating is
only one piece of what it’s really
about.
I’m not going to go out and
have an affair for the same reason
that I’m not going to talk to others
about my wife’s foibles and fears or
mock her for her mistakes or dismiss
her thoughts and ideas or do
anything else that would indicate
that she’s not a whole person who
deserves to have a partner she can
trust. She knows that and she’s not
going to do those things to
me either. How do I know? Because
we’ve spent 15 years learning what
it means to trust one
another. Inasmuch as all of those
actions damage our ability to trust
one another, they’re all cheating.
So, why don’t I cheat? I don’t cheat
because I love my wife. I love the
person she really is, and I want to be
her safe place—the person she can
trust enough to really be herself
around. If I violate that trust, then I
lose the real her.
Written by Ben Martin of goodmenproject.com
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