HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LOVE YOU...

How many times have you wanted to meet somebody but you were convinced that there was no way they’d like you? Or have you ever wished you could find a way to join a group of cool people and fit in like you’ve always belonged? Ever wish you could be one of those people who can just make friends the way other folks breathe? The sort of person who can just sit down with someone and have them feeling like they’ve known you for years, even though you’ve only just met? It’s actually easier than you’d think…

 

We’ve talked a lot about charm and charisma before, and what it takes to be a more fascinating, magnetic person. The key that underlies it all, to building a rapport and finding that connection, is simple: you have to be able to make people feel good. It’s called “the reward theory of attraction”; simply put, we like people who make us feel gratified and rewarded when we’re around them. If a relationship brings more pleasure than discomfort, then we find ourselves drawn to them and want that relationship to continue.

 

So let’s look at some of the secrets to making people like you.

 

1) Use Positive Non-Verbal Communication: I can’t stress enough how important non-verbal communication is when it comes to making a positive connection with somebody. The vast majority of our communication isn’t conveyed through our words, but through our bodies, our tone of voice, even the speed at which we talk. In fact, when our body language and our words are at odds with each other, it’s entirely possible to make people incredibly uncomfortable with you and want to get away from you. While your words may be positive, your closed off body language will be incongruent with what you’re saying and leave people feeling uneasy and confused.

 

Many men, for example, have been creepy by accident because while they may have had the best of intentions, their body language made them seem intimidating or even threatening and left people feeling uncomfortable. So the first key is to not give someone – especially women – the full frontal experience; that is, to standing toe to toe with them. Facing a stranger square on can feel intimidating; it can come across as though you’re trying to box them in. Instead, you want to angle yourself slightly away from them, which feels more accommodating and friendly. It sends the message that you don’t want them to feel cornered, as well as opening your body language.

 

The next key is to watch your head positioning. Yes, I realize that this seems like a nit-picky idea, but the tilt of your head actually communicates more non-verbally than you’d think. Tilting your chin up at someone gives the impression that you’re looking down your nose at them, which will convey a sense of arrogance or even disdain for the person you’re talking to. Tilting your chin down ever so slightly gives a feeling of being equal and approachable. Similarly, a slight tilt to the side communicates friendliness and gives the impression that you like them. Consider practicing these in the mirror; notice how different an innocuous phrase can seem when you’ve tilted your chin up vs. down. Keep in mind: this is a subtle tilt; you don’t want to look like you’ve broken your neck or you’re trying to pull your chin back through your face.

 

Third: slow your roll. A lot of people speak far too quickly under normal circumstances – myself included. It may be regional – people from Manhattan, the outer boroughs and New Jersey, for example – it may be an extroverted trait, or it may simply be that your brain runs faster than your mouth and you’re forever playing catch-up as your thoughts rocket along. Speaking for myself: I start talking faster the more excited (or nervous) I get; when I get on a roll, I can give the Micro-Machines guy 1 a run for his money. The problem is that when we speak quickly, it feels as though we’re trying to put one over on the person we’re talking to; we can’t dazzle them with our brilliance, so we want to baffle them with our bullshit. Think of a used car-salesman; you’re not sure how, but you just know he’s trying to scam you, so you instinctively don’t trust him. Deliberately slowing down your cadence makes you sound calmer and less anxious – and, more importantly, like you’re not about to sell them on your brilliant get rich quick scheme. And smile, dammit.

 

 

2) Get Them Talking About Themselves Cold hard truth: we’re all narcissistic to some degree. Even when we may not feel like we’re the hottest thing since World War III, we do like to believe that our inner lives and thoughts are fascinating. Just take a look at our social networks as we fill our days with Facebook status updates, Instagraming everything and tweeting about every aspect of our lives. We’re playing to an audience, even if that audience is just the people from high-school that we’ve reconnected with because we wanted to see if they were still hot and/or single. But believe it or not, there’s a reason for this beyond everyone being profoundly self-involved: as it turns out, talking about ourselves literally makes us feel good.

 

Scientists have found that talking about ourselves activates the same pleasure centers of the brain that are associated with food and money . So in short: we are our favorite subjects because goddamn it feels good to talk about ourselves. And since this fits in with the reward theory of attraction, getting people to talk about themselves is a valuable part of getting people to like you. The tricky part is keeping the ball rolling; it’s easy to trail off – or worse, make someone feel uncomfortable about dominating the entire conversation.

 

You have to be an active listener, taking what they say and bouncing it back by asking the right questions. You want to keep them positive; if someone tells you about the wacky mishap that happened on their date, and you mention that this is the sort of thing that would totally turn you off, you’ll have effectively punished them for disclosing a part of themselves. You want to ask questions that encourage them to keep talking about it, especially ones that help illustrate the scene. How did it go down, what did you do, how did you feel, what did they say? … these are questions that encourage your new friend to fill in the details and paint an even more interesting picture of their lives. Can’t think of any questions besides the standard “Who are you/what do you do for a living?” Try a simple cold read to prompt them. It doesn’t need to be accurate – although most cold-reads are designed to be almost universally applicable – it just needs get them started talking. All it takes is a slight prompt and your new friend will take it from there.

 

3) Ask For Help: One of the most popular tools in the pick-up artist toolbox is the opinion opener, asking strangers to give their opinions and advice about subjects from jealous girlfriends to 80s songs to whether men or women lie more. Part of the reason why it’s so popular isn’t just because it’s a low-stakes way of starting a conversation but because it almost immediately hooks people’s interest. We love giving advice to people. The sneaky part is that in asking for their advice, we’re also prompting them to warm up to us. You see, humans are very bad at understanding why we feel the way we do. We believe that our actions are based on our feelings or beliefs; we don’t like this person, so we won’t have anything to do with them. But more often than not, it’s actually reversed; our behavior actually forms our beliefs. It just feels like we’re in control. In short: free your ass and your mind will follow.

 

This is known as the Benjamin Franklin effect, after Franklin’s legendary technique for turning his bitterest rivals into his closest friends. Franklin would simply ask them for a favor – usually loaning him a book from their library. He would return the book later with a simple thank- you note… and the next time they would meet, his rival’s attitude would have changed so profoundly that they would often be close friends for the rest of their lives. Franklin was taking advantage of an effect known as cognitive dissonance - the tension between the man’s attitude (“I hate Ben Franklin”) and the fact that he just did a favor for a man he disliked. Our brains don’t like the tension; we prefer to at least feel-like we’re being ideologically consistent. And since he couldn’t change the behavior without inventing a time machine and retconning his own existence, he his attitude changed instead.

 

 

 

 

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