If you ask just about any relationship
expert worth their salt, one thing
that they are going to tell you is if
you want to be in the relationship of
your dreams (which is what I call
“God’s best for you”), the first thing
that you should do is step back and
assess your past relational
“nightmares”.
OK, nightmare might be too
strong of a word (perhaps),
but if you’re past the age of 30
and you’re either single or
divorced, you can probably
admit that there were some
relationships you experienced that
were more like one long emotional
roller coaster ride than a smooth
sailing journey.
Yes, why is it that we all want the
same thing—true love—and yet,
ironically, we keep ending up with
the same thing: the wrong one? Or
at least, the wrong one for us.
It’s been a while since I’ve been in a
relationship, but as I look back on
most of the guys that I’ve dated,
there are actually more things that
they had in common than not. On
one hand, they all were very smart,
funny and for the most part,
ambitious. I like all of those
qualities, for sure. On the other hand,
they were passionate, but non-
committal. Spiritual, but not
spiritually mature. Interested in me,
but not interested in marriage. At
least with me.
And you know what? It took being
single (and abstinent) to be able to
really see all of this for what it is; to
be able to stop looking from “the
inside out” and instead from “the
outside in” of the cycle that I was in
so that I could break it. So that I
could stop dating the same person
over and over (and over and over)
again.
So, how can you know if you also
have the habit of dating the same
person over and over? So that you
can stop doing the same thing and
getting the same results? I’m so glad
that you asked.
Here are five ways to know:
You’re not paying attention to the
facts. One mistake that a lot of
people make is confusing “dating”
with being in an actual relationship.
Meaning, just because you’ve
checked out a movie with someone
a few times, that doesn’t mean you
two are in a relationship. But if it’s
been about six months or more, you
see and speak with one another on a
regular basis (more than a couple of
times per week) and—this is the real
clincher—you both have established
that you are in a relationship and
then it comes to an end and within a
month’s time you are back out
dating, there’s a pretty good chance
that you’re going to find yourself
dating the same kind of person.
That’s because initially, we tend to
be drawn to the external qualities of
a person. You know, how they look,
how they approach us and how they
initially make us feel. If we like what
we see, we move forward to learn
more. However, if you give yourself
enough time in between
relationships, you can learn how to
listen for what I call “trigger lines”;
flags that emerge from the very
beginning.
One example is “I would
love to go to dinner, I’ll get back to
you later in the month.” That’s
someone who probably means “I
like meeting new people. It’s not a
priority to me, though.” When a
person is intentional about building
something with you, their actions
will show it. If a person wants to be
in a serious relationship with you,
they will say it.
That said, if you pay
more attention to what you want
something to be than what it
actually is, if you romanticize
situations instead of looking at the
cold, hard facts, you will probably
find yourself dating the same person
over and over again.
You don’t give yourself enough
time to heal. Some of the dumbest
advice ever is “The best way to get
over a person is to get under a new
one.” And yet, there are a lot of
people who actually believe that.
First of all, sex does not make love.
Sex celebrates love between two
committed people (prayerfully, two
married committed people). And
besides, there are studies which
indicate that sex creates a kind of
euphoria that can make you think
there is a stronger connection
simply due to the physical
attachment. So, the last thing that
you need to do, for the sake of your
mind, heart and spirit, is to end a
relationship and rush out and get
into another one; especially one that
involves physical intimacy. When
you don’t allow yourself time to heal
from the pain that you experienced,
you will find yourself trying to get
someone to fill some of your internal
voids rather than someone who will
ultimately complement who you are
as a whole human being. In other
words, you’ll pick someone who is a
lot like who you just broke up with
because initially you’ll be looking for
who made you feel like they did
during the good times. The bad
times won’t even show up on your
radar. Until it’s too late.
You keep putting the blame on
“them” rather than looking
within.
Here’s a huge blaring red
flag that you have the tendency to
date the same person over and over
again: Each time a relationship ends,
you chalk it up to all of the things
that they did wrong rather than
choosing to be self-introspective
(which is a great benefit that comes
with being single, by the way). If
there always seem to be
communication issues, why is that?
Are you a good listener?
Do you tend
to be passive aggressive?
Do you
rarely speak your mind?
If you keep
dating people who want different
things than you do, have you asked
yourself “why”?
Is it because you’re
too scared to ask about their future
plans?
Is it because you’re hoping to
change their mind?
Is it because you
never say what you want or you’re
willing to change the core of who
you are in order to try and make the
relationship work?
The moment you
are willing to be honest with
yourself about the mistakes that
you’ve made within your past
relationships, the sooner you can
correct them and attract a different
kind of person as a direct result.
Your family members and
friends tell you so. There are
some people who feel that
only teenagers should bring
the person they are seeing around
their family members and friends,
but I actually couldn’t disagree
more. After a couple of months, if you
think that the relationship that
you’re currently in is really heading
somewhere, invite them to dinner at
your parents’ home or go on a
double date with one of your closest
friends. If afterwards, your loved
ones say to you “He’s really nice. He
reminds me a lot of Jim” or “She’s
cool. I can’t put my finger on it, but
something about her reminds me of
Samantha” that’s not something to
shrug off. Remember, your family
members and friends are going to be
looking at who you’re dating
without any kind of emotional bias
(other than their love for you, of
course). This means that if they
notice something that’s oddly
familiar, process that a bit. And if the
familiar thing is not a good or
healthy thing, you might need to
pump your brakes a bit.
Your relationships basically end
the same way. There’s one more
thing that you should keep in mind:
how the relationship ended. If a man
is always telling you that
emotionally, you tend to move too
fast or a woman is always telling you
that you’re too intense, that’s
definitely something to ponder. One
thing that most of the guys in my
past told me was that I wasn’t clear
about what I wanted. And you know
what? I kept being vague and so I
kept attracting guys who weren’t
exactly sure how they felt about me
or what they wanted from or with
me. Beginnings are very important
and endings are quite revelatory. In
your quest to stop dating the same
person over and over again and to
ultimately end up with the right one
for you, please make sure that you
pay attention to both.
written by Sheille R. Warren
Your views are most welcome...
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