Derrick Dupuis wished that someone would have explained how
to create a marriage that works for both people. Now he would like you to use
him as a cautionary tale.
Late October 2012 I returned home
from a business trip to find that my wife of almost 10 years was packed up and
would move in with her sister, a divorce lawyer, that evening.
No one had cheated or abused the
other. We had just stopped growing down the same path. She had felt unsupported
for years, I learnt. There had been signs and occasional conversations, but I
did not realize how significant they were. She did not know how to let her true
feelings be known, but this action spoke for her.
In the weeks that followed, I was in
heavy denial. My goal was to look into my role in this situation, find ways to
improve, and work towards reconciliation. She was not interested in that. Yet,
I am stubborn and refused to believe that we were through.
Only months prior we had moved into
a rather large home, and she had only just returned to full time work after
staying home the better part of seven years to raise our two amazing children,
aged 5 and 7 at the time. Her fortieth birthday was a few weeks away and our
ten year anniversary a few months away.
What I came to realize is that I forgot
how to live in the moment. Through university, years of globetrotting and our
first years together, I was present. Then I got excellent roles in the
pharmaceutical industry. I started winning awards and praise. I was validated
for the first time in my life, so it felt.
I wondered whether I deserved it
all. So, I began giving more of myself to work, and onto the hamster wheel did
I climb.
Since our separation, I have stated
that I wished someone would have given us a marriage quiz or a relationship book.
These are excellent tools, and if one looks truly at them, they can very
clearly point out what ones current reality is.
And that is my message.
Please, if you are in a relationship
now, actually stop and look at it. Literally take a Sunday evening, let
someone else take the kids, and talk. What are your goals? What are your spouse’s?
Are they in line? If not, do you care? Does your spouse?
A great friend and therapist asked
me this in the early winter of 2012. Do you have a car, she asked. Yes. Do
you get the oil changed regularly? Yes. Tires rotated? Transmission checked?
Yes. Why? So that it will be a reliable car for a decade or so. Then she
asked me how often I do any of this ‘maintenance’ on my marriage? Umm, never….
So 13 years later, once my marriage
is on the side of the road with the engine blown and the body rusted out, now I
want to talk about oil changes? Too late.
And so now one year later, I look at
my life and focus my energy on celebrating who I am, and how amazing my
children are.
My ex is a wonderful human being.
She is an outstanding mother. My children are thriving, and I fully expect this
to continue. But we are no longer a couple and never will be. I accept
that now. It does make me sad, as my goal was to have one family unit forever.
So again, I write this in the hopes
of helping even just a few people to realize that it is never too late to
actually stop and assess where things are.
In a relationship and in life, are
you happy? Be honest with yourself.
If not completely, how would you
like to have things? Write it down and then work towards achieving that
reality.
When we go into a restaurant and
order a meal, what happens when they deliver the wrong meal? I want a big old
cheese burger and fries! I haven’t had that meal here in several weeks, and I’m
craving it. In the hurry of the lunch rush, my server delivers me a fish
sandwich. Will I just shrug and eat it? You know the answer. No way!
So why do we do this with life? Why
settle for the role at work we don’t like. Why not strive for the happiest
relationship with our spouse, children, family, friends and coworkers? And just
by beginning to question your own happiness, you are taking the first steps.
Limitless bliss exists, and it is easier to achieve that we imagine. But that
is another article.
Please, stop and have a conversation
with your partner. Begin by asking how satisfied she or he is, in life and in
the relationship. Then, and this is important, listen to the answer!
Truly open your ears and heart and
listen. You can have your turn to talk later. In this moment, listen to what
your partner is saying. Ask probing questions. Care about the answers.
There is no better place to start
than here and now.
Don’t get blindsided like I did. Don’t
wait for a catastrophe to happen for you to realize that change is possible.
Use me as a cautionary tale. You will be amazed at how great it will be a year
later, either way, I predict.
Written by Derrick Dupuis
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