THERE IS NO FANTASY IN ROMANCE

THERE IS NO FANTASY IN REAL LIFE ROMANCE

It’s a frightening yet energizing concept—soul mate—someone out there unbeknownst to you, who is totally compatible in every way. As a self-professed romantic, the idea propelled me to serial date. I was looking for that spark that didn’t burn out; a relationship that could always stay fresh and new, with a woman I’d never lose interest in. On first dates, I’d search for a sign, a signal, something that said: “She’s the one, your future staring back at you.” Sometimes it was the way she smiled, laughed, or shifted her hair from her brow with a finger. I was even keen on how a woman spoke— was her voice harsh or melodic? Did it register too high or too low? Was it sensual with a rasp? Or high-pitched and whinny? It was all superficial. The one is a myth, an idea cooked up in Shakespeare’s sonnets, French novels, Hollywood films, and every episode of How I Met Your Mother.

 

There’s no such thing as Perfection in a relationship because there’s no Perfect person. Even when a relationship ends and we think that person was the one, all it takes is reflection, looking back without the rose colored glasses to see how things really were—messy, dysfunctional, unhealthy. There’s a reason relationships end. And I learned the hard way that breaking up is always going to be the outcome as long as I’m working from some notion that the perfect woman is out there. In an argument with a woman I’ve been dating for five months, she said to me: “Deep down, in your heart of hearts, you know I’m not the one.” It bothered the hell out of me because I had thought just that at times— usually during arguments or when we’d drudge up each other’s pasts. But considering there is no template or test to identify the one, how the hell would someone know?

 

The stories of couples that say after one meeting they knew they met their match fail to take a major point into consideration—those stories are usually told from one person’s point of view. A guy goes into the grocery store and starts a conversation with a lady in the frozen food aisle, and in that moment he’s smitten for life. However, what’s going through her mind? Is she as taken with him, or is she simply entertaining his charming advances as she drops a bag of frozen peas into her basket?

 

The fact is, we choose who we want. We decide what idiosyncrasies we’re willing to put up with in a partner. We analyze whether our lifestyles mesh. We figure out what is tolerable and what isn’t, and then we invest time and energy into that person. If it sounds like work, it’s because it is—it’s time and effort. It’s the job of two people who love each other. And over time, hopefully, those two people will discover that fate may have placed them in the frozen food aisle together, but THEY made it work. They made a choice to be together.

 

There’s no fantasy in romance. The Bachelor is just a TV show. It always boils down to time and effort. The myth of the one perpetuates that true love is prepackaged but hidden, and all we have to do is find it. But the whole time it can be staring at you in the face. Even a diamond starts out as a lump of coal and it takes work to refine it into a gem. Relationships are no different; if you want the one, just be prepared to put in the work!

Written by Aaron Philip Clark



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