5 Marriage Tips
by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin
* * *
I wish someone would have told me
before I got
married.
* * *
It can take newly-married couples
awhile to get
used to living with a permanent
roommate
whom they love but may be very
different. You
may have been too starry-eyed at the
beginning
of your relationship to listen to any
marriage
advice, and perhaps now wish you
didn’t learn
some things the hard way.
Here are five marriage tips I wish
someone
would have told me before I got
married:
1. Revise your expectations. We all
have
expectations for marriage, whether
they are from
relationships we personally
witnessed like our
parents or from portrayals in society-
at-large.
But expectations set us up for
disappointment.
Every relationship is unique and it is
impossible
to expect your marriage to be exactly
like
anything you’ve ever seen before.
Your marriage
may not be picture-perfect, but then
what? You
can either remain disappointed or
discover how
this relationship is a gift for you and
an
opportunity to create something
even better.
Great relationships do not happen
overnight.
They take years of investment and
care by both
partners. You may be able to form the
relationship of your dreams, but don’t
expect it
to be that way immediately following
your
wedding.
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice to
your spouse.
One of the most common mistakes
that couples
make is to provide unsolicited advice
to each
other. While you may have good
intentions, your
spouse may not see it that way.
Unsolicited
advice can come across as criticism
and
invalidating of your spouse’s feelings.
If your husband complains all the
time that he is
feeling down and you suggest he go
to a
therapist, he may feel you are just
trying to fix
him and you don’t really care about
his feelings
when all he wants to do is vent and
be heard.
Unsolicited advice can also make your
spouse
feel like you are being bossy,
controlling, or
condescending, even if you are only
trying to be
helpful. Ask your spouse if he/she is
open to
feedback before opening your mouth
and a
potential can
of worms.
3. Limit outsiders from your
relationship. It’s
hard transforming two separate lives
into one.
Couples often feel that they shouldn’t
leave their
old friends out of their new life and
want to
include them as much as possible.
You may
also feel the need to go out with
other couples.
Realize that it is important for you
and your
spouse to have alone time where you
can build
your relationship, and while it is
thoughtful to
include others, it’s not always healthy
for your
marriage. Many newlyweds can
become
insecure about their spouse if they
spend time
with other couples. You may feel the
need to
compare which will generate
negative feelings
about your spouse. Don’t become a
hermit, but
do put your marriage first and make
spending
quality time alone with your spouse a
priority,
even if it means not always including
others.
4. Your spouse is not you. One of the
rude-
awakenings couples face when they
get married
is that your spouse is not you. As
much as you
may have been blinded during the
romantic
stage (“We’re so alike! I feel like
we’ve known
each other forever”), at some point
you have
woken up to the harsh reality that
you married
an “other.” This “other,” as lovable as
he/she is,
has different thoughts, feelings, and
opinions
than you do. He/she may see the
world
completely differently and that’s
okay. The
ability to honor the world of the other
is a key
ingredient to successful relationships.
As
challenging as it may be that our
spouse is not
an extension of ourselves, it serves us
well by
compelling us to grow into becoming
more
accepting and other-focused. Learn to
love and
cherish those differences as that’s
what makes
your spouse unique.
5. The 90/10 rule. This rule posits that
10% of
anything that really makes our blood
boil is the
cause of the actual stimulus, while
90% of our
reaction is due to what it is being
triggered
within us. (Hey, it’s not an exact
science.) If you
take ownership for your
disproportionate
reactions, you will undoubtedly see
that you are
responding so strongly
because of what this offense is
evoking for you
from your past.
For example, if you have an
“irrational”
response to when your husband loses
his phone
or misplaces his keys, think about
how that may
remind you of something from your
past. Were
you reprimanded for being careless
growing up
or did you feel like you were forced
into a role to
be the “responsible one” when no
one else in
your life was? While most people may
be
annoyed by such behavior, if you feel
your
reaction is overly strong, that’s a
good clue that
the 90/10 rule may be at work.
The 90/10 rule removes the power
struggle with
your spouse and helps you realize
that it is
really not all about him/her. Taking
ownership
for your reaction will help you view
the behavior
in a new light and not react as
strongly, allowing
for your relationship to be healthier.
While this
does not excuse the 10% your spouse
did to
contribute to the conflict, it helps put
everything
into perspective, taking the edge off
the
situation and preventing explosive
damage to
the relationship.
You can never fully prepare for
marriage. And
these tips can help you create the
relationship of
your dreams.
this piece is culled from the fhl Family Life Networks Int. facebook group.Your views are most welcome...
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