Loving an Unlovable Woman
I can’t tell
you how many times I’ve heard women say it. I heard it again the other day in
my office from a client. I’ve heard it from friends. It doesn’t matter how
smart, how fun, how caring, how successful, or how attractive women are.
They believe it…”I am unlovable.”
These women
that have so much going for them. And yet they believe that no one wants to be
with them.
From one
perspective it is difficult to understand how they can come to this conclusion.
How they cannot see all that they have to offer to a partner? However, as I
listen to their stories I begin to see why they believe it. It is because men
have told them they are. Over and over and over again.
I’m sure most
men will claim that they’ve never said a woman was unlovable. And that’s
probably true…at least with those exact words.
But what about
in other words? How many of you have ever claimed a woman was over-emotional,
over-reacting, too demanding, high maintenance, clingy, crazy, controlling, or
irrational? Maybe you’ve told a woman that no one could live up to her
expectations.
If these
comments aren’t enough, men back them up with some tired tropes about
relationships. I hear them in therapy all too often. A good relationship
shouldn’t take so much work. I don’t want to have to talk about everything.
There shouldn’t be so many ups and downs…why can’t we just be happy? She just
wants to complain, while I want to fix the situation for her. I spend time
watching TV or playing video games in the room with her, how much more of my
time does she want?
Instead of
saying, “I don’t want the same things in a relationship that you do,” too often
men feel the need to tell women that what they want is wrong or bad. Giving
that framing, how can women hear anything other than, “you are unlovable?”
Those are
exactly what those criticisms of women are really about. It isn’t that the
women are bad, or over the top. It is that many men don’t want to do the work
it takes to be with a strong, smart, independent woman. And to feel good about
themselves, they frame their partner as the one that is not normal. It is how
they justify their unwillingness to work harder.
The difficult
part is that they often get away with it. This has been going on for so long
that many women buy into it to. They hold themselves back, they don’t show
their intelligence or personality because they have been taught that men won’t
like it. Men use the fact that some women do that as evidence that other women
are asking for too much. It is a damaging cycle.
Unfortunately
it gets worse. Despite the fact that in the end many men don’t want to do the
work it takes to be with them, men are often wildly attracted to smart, strong,
intelligent, passionate, authentic women. Men see the positive energy, fire and
authenticity and want to be a part of it. They will virtually orbit those women
just to be around them.
When those men
come to realize that this type of woman takes more than they are able or
willing to give, it seldom ends well. The attraction is still there, but men
don’t want to accept that it is their lack of effort that is the issue. They’d
rather criticize the woman for having the very traits that made her attractive
in the first place.
Some men simply
fade away, leaving the woman to believe she was undesirable. Other men revert
to those same claims about how it is the woman’s fault. They tell women that
they want too much and are being unreasonable.
Then there are
the men rushing for a monogamous relationship. If the woman says no, he can
resort to the claims of how she’ll never find a man. If she says yes, it not
only helps eliminate competition, it also adds claims of obligation and
commitment to their arsenal to defend not putting effort into the relationship…
However it
plays out, the cycle is perpetuated. Women that aren’t afraid to show that they
have intelligence, passion and more are given the message they are unlovable.
It doesn’t have
to be this way.
There is a
different type of man. One who believes that a woman like this is worth
investing time and energy into. That having a woman like this in his life makes
him a better man. That there is value in having to stay on his toes, having to
think, having to make an effort. That a relationship like this is not only
worth the effort, but substantively different than anything he’ll experience
elsewhere.
Even if you
don’t want to invest the effort it takes, own your choice. Don’t pin the fact
that you won’t work for what you are attracted to on her. Instead of telling
her she is somehow flawed or less than, respectfully admit that you aren’t
interested in investing in a relationship with her. Don’t protect your own ego
by crushing hers.
After all, what
kind of man do you want to be?
written by Jay Blevins
#its_all_about_relationship
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