Studies
show that kids drive a stake through the heart of a romantic relationship.
Marital satisfaction plummets after the birth of a child. No wonder. Kids are a
lot of work. Young parents have less discretionary time for fun, and more time
to argue about whose turn it is this time to get the kid to stop
bawling. And, a study of postpartum women found that a large percentage have
little or no interest in sex.
Young
Dads may feel particularly frustrated, even resentful, when they aren’t getting
enough sex in those months (maybe years) after their kid is born. It sucks to
be asked to move on down the bench. But, a smart guy doesn’t whine about his
predicament, make his partner feel guilty, or joke about his woeful sex life in
front of others.
Nope,
a smart guy creates the best possible environment to improve his chances. Bruce
Springsteen sang it best in Dancing in the Dark: You can’t start a fire
without a spark. As a young Mom many moons ago there were a few things that
lit my fire.
Here
are my three pieces of advice to new Dads, based on my own experience.
Make
her feel interesting.
My
theory is that brain cells leak out through breast milk. I haven’t found a
study to prove it, but I’m sure this happened in my case. My husband did not
make fun of my inability to memorize the words to The Wheels on the Bus,
or for not being able to discuss the Geo-political situation in Katmandu. No
one feels sexy when they are feeling stupid (and wearing spit up on clothes
that are three sizes too big). He listened with interest about my new
world—from stuff I was reading in parenting books to local gossip in the
playground.
Most women
need an emotional connection before they desire a physical one.
Take
charge, and take over.
Many
young mothers complain about how their partners are like another child. They always feel they are “on call” even when their
partner is looking after the baby, which makes it difficult to take a complete
physical and mental break. I have a bright husband so it was irritating when he
had to ask me where the extra package of diapers was, how much water to add to
the cereal, or whether this amount of spit up was normal. I could definitely
see his Inner Adonis more clearly when he applied his considerable
problem-solving skills independently.
Work
on her schedule.
Operating
like a 24/7 milk canteen certainly dampened my desire for even more physical
contact. If there was ever a time for my husband to be flexible about when sex
happens, this was it. My biorhythms certainly changed post-kids (I seemed to
have given birth to two vampires) so if I was in the mood at 5 am, well; it was
up to him to strike while the iron was hot.
Yup,
the sad truth is that dads with young kids probably get less sex. But rather
than fretting about this sad state of affairs, a far better strategy is to keep
the small sparks of desire burning until the fireworks can begin again.
Written by Sue Nador
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