Sometimes, no
matter what you do or don’t do, it just won’t be enough.
Men can so easily
be labeled as the problem or reason why relationships fail and I think
undeservedly so. I think sometimes relationships fail because one partner is
just too afraid to love.
There is a fine,
fine line between giving love another chance, and knowing
when to call it quit. Sometimes, no matter what you do, someone just isn’t ready, willing and able
to make the dream relationship become a reality.
I’ll admit I’ve
gotten stopped by this, myself. I’ve fallen victim to trying to live up to the
image of Prince Charming or Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. This image may lead
some people to hold unrealistic, unfair and perhaps unhealthy expectations for
what I man should do to “save” a relationship. The movies and media portray
this archetype of masculinity as unwavering, unfailing and unrelenting in the
pursuit of his love. He overcomes every obstacle, test and gauntlet to win her
hand and live happily ever after, but what about when the love doesn’t want to
be loved? Or caught? Or sought after? What if the object of affection, herself,
is the gauntlet?
Relationships
won’t work out if both or all parties aren’t on board with equal investment,
energy, commitment and devotion. I’m talking about the “I adore you even when you piss me off” devotion. The kind of
devotion that happens when you see into someone’s soul and realize they are a
true gift to you that you’d be willing to sacrifice anything for in order to
keep. If both or all members of a relationship aren’t sharing this experience,
it just won’t work. It is replaced with constant ambivalence which is toxic to
both parties and effectively sabotages whatever they are trying to build. If
the devotion isn’t there, if the vulnerability isn’t achieved and expressed,
it’s just an intention. It takes commitment to actualize it into the beautiful
thing many of us seek.
That’s why the
whole “He’s Just Not That into You”
thing really annoys me. I’ll admit, I never read the book or saw the movie so
I’m running my mouth just based on an impression and I’ll claim that women may
use the “he’s just not that into you” line as a convenient excuse for
some men who gave up because they got tired of the game. I see a lot of
women/people online and in real life, not wanting to be caught or loved
and battling their own demons so fiercely that no man stands a chance. Welcome
to the successful field of psychotherapy, right? Right. But in the meantime, I
feel pretty bothered by how easily these women put the blame on their male
counterparts when the onus is really on them.
“He wasn’t man
enough.”
“He wasn’t willing
to love my wounds.”
“He wasn’t patient
enough.”
Consider
that he might not be into you because you aren’t into you. And it’s your work to love yourself so you can love
another person.
Love isn’t an endless
fountain of love, patience and unlimited tries unless both people are having
the experience each person deserves. If you aren’t pulling your weight and
delivering, you don’t get to take and take and blame when the supply runs out.
It’s not fair. And it’s worth exploring what’s happening with folks who persist
so, um, persistently, with folks who play hard to get. It can become a
symbiosis of who really feels unworthy of love more?
It’s happening in
all relationships. It happens when a person isn’t able to admit
his/her imperfections and bring humility to the table. It happens when
both people aren’t responsible for their words, actions and habits that, if
changed, would help foster more trust, love and intimacy.
We can’t be afraid to love, if loving and being loved is
truly what we want.
One
person isn’t responsible for keeping a relationship going and doing all the
work, even if he may be physically stronger and taught by society to endure at
all costs.
I don’t agree when
the cost is the experience he deserves to have as a part of a whole.
When both people
are giving and receiving, and it happens on both ends, willingly, it’s a
win-win. That’s love.
Written by Dillan DiGiovanni at The Good Men Project
Your views are most welcome...
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