THE PROBLEM YOU ARE HAVING IN YOUR MARRIAGE LIES IN ANY
OR ALL OF THESE THREE THINGS
It’s interesting to sit in a couple’s therapy session
and witness how love can make a lot of us feel completely out of control.
I see couples fight furiously and notice how each partner is completely
oblivious to the fact that it’s not the money or the child that’s the
issue. What they are really fighting about involves three very simple
questions, “Do you love me? Will you stay with me? How can I be
sure that you won’t hurt me?” When I witness this in a session I have the
wonderful and sometimes energizing opportunity of letting them know that they
are fighting for love.
We learn about love very early in life. Every
time an infant cries and a caregiver picks them up to soothe them and tell them
they are okay the infant begins to understand that they matter, they are safe,
and that love is just a cry away. Toddlers learn about love when a
caregiver allows them to go and explore the world but is also available to them
when they return to check in that all is okay. A securely attached child
feels loveable because their environment is safe, predictable, and
loving. That said, it does not always work out that smoothly; those of us
whose attachment was lacking, continue to search for that safe, predictable,
and loving figure well into adulthood.
On to the three questions:
1) How can I be sure that you won’t hurt me?
(PREDICTABILITY)
In the beginning of a relationship couples rarely ask
this. But after that first time our lover fails to return a call or
perhaps forgets to ask us how we are doing, we doubt. This is when your
past rears its ugly head. When we are emotionally hurt, our brain helps
by showing us all the other times we have been hurt. It does this
because it wants to protect us from pain. This is a question about
predictability, one of three things needed to securely attach to another.
For the relationship to survive from the constant barrage of defenses against
getting hurt each member of the relationship has to be willing to be as
predictable as possible. Communicate about your schedule, about how many
times a week you want to see each other, about how you want the other to show
up for you. This is easier said than done because committing to this
means the person asking has to be vulnerable enough to ask and the one
receiving the information has to be selfless enough to respond.
2) Will you stay with me? (SAFETY)
When we securely attach as children we feel safety in
that the person taking care of us responds to us when we are in need. In
a romantic relationship this is not guaranteed; it is built up through repeated
experiences of our lover telling us I am here for you. Once again the
key ingredient for the success of experiencing safety is allowing yourself to
be vulnerable to your partner. I have a secret wish that every marriage
ceremony would include this vow, “I vow from this day forward to be vulnerable
to you”. If we could all take a deep breath and dive into the pool of
vulnerability with our partners I promise you most relationships would
flourish. However, what often happens when one of the two is asking this
question is that they are also pushing or defending the other away by giving
them “the list” of how they know they will disappoint them. That said, if your
gut is screaming to you not to trust or be vulnerable, listen. Perhaps you are
trying to remain in a relationship that is not safe and it’s time to walk away.
3) Do you love me? (LOVING ENVIRONMENT)
This is the trickiest of all three questions. Painful,
but no relationship can survive one or both of the partners asking the other,
“am I loveable?” It is cliché, but true: if you cannot love
yourself first, it is very difficult to experience the love of another.
It gets even more complicated when you take into account how much your past
experiences of love influence your present experience. For example, if
your parent was highly critical of your way of being, you may be really
uncomfortable with someone who praises you often. It may seem strange
that this person who loves you is always so “nice” to you and you may walk
away. Seems odd, yes, but one more time your brain is to blame.
Early on you learned that if someone loves you they are critical. So the
sweet high praising guy is creepy or too clingy only because he does not match
your familial and historic definition of love.
The answer in this area of the loving part of being
securely attached is to begin to dissect in yourself how you define being
loved. When you discover the answer, tell your partner. If you
share the definition of love and they are willing to work it out with you or
even better if you both work on your love definition together, you can heal
your broken attachment.
It seems like a lot of work but it is well worth
it. Love is a verb. It takes action, vulnerability and awareness to
maintain it. You have been doing it since the day you were born.
Written by Lina Acosta Sandaal
Your views are most welcome...
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