RESPECT: THE WAY TO BEING A BETTER MAN

 

Today’s men are, in many ways, better than we’ve ever been. We’re more understanding, more accepting, more flexible, and more principled, as well as less selfish, less entitled, less power-hungry, and less misogynistic.

 

But we still want to be better, stronger, faster than before. After being torn down by the up rise of feminism and trying to re-erect ourselves through the rituals of the mythopoetic men’s movement, men are struggling to find a new, balanced identity that places person first, gender second, without sacrificing our essential masculinity.

To that end, I offer seven ways to build better men in the 21st century.

 

1. Learn respect.

The premise is simple. Other people—of any gender—matter as much as you. Their rights are equal to yours. Their yeses and nos carry the same weight—always. And they deserve to be treated at all times with civility. Learn a respectful code of conduct, let it guide you in all your relationships, and you will instantly be a better man. 

 

2. Practice respect.

Learning a skill is worthless if you don’t practice and ultimately master it. Did you study a language in high school and then let it drop? Bring respect to every situation. Put it first—above desire, above need, above anger, vengeance, and vindication. Think of respect as a muscle you flex whenever strength is called for, a muscle you must keep in shape through consistent exercise. Consider every challenge a test that, if met with respect will sharpen your skills. 

 

3. Model respect.

Men model behavior for boys in every familial, social, and professional interaction. Boys grow up to treat women the way their father treats their mother or grandmother or allows them to treat their mother or sister. Boys copy their male role models instinctively, without thinking. How many times have you been shocked to hear your kid say something nasty, only to realize he’s repeating your words? Model the men you want to create, and do it with conscious intent. 

 

4. Teach respect.

When you practice and model a way of being, you become a teacher. You don’t have to stand in classroom or earn a degree. You’ll be sought out for counsel and asked for advice, because you’ll be respected, and people will be eager to learn your secret. Don’t charge for your wisdom. Share it generously. It’s not as if you’re going to run short, because the more you give, the more you’ll gain.

 

5. Demand respect.

When you learn, practice, and model respect, and when you teach it to students of all ages, you earn the right to demand it back. And you find the courage to say, “If you treat me that way, I will walk away.” This is self-respect, and it forms the core of the respectful man as well as the golden rule. To treat others as you would want them to treat you, it’s essential to know how you want to be treated. If it’s OK with you to be bullied, hurt, abused, and otherwise disrespected, you’ll have no trouble passing the pain along. On the other hand, if you develop clear and enforceable boundaries, you’ll find it natural to respect the lines that other people draw.

 

 6. Support respect.

Wherever you see respectful behavior, commend it. Positive reinforcement works wonders with kids and adults alike. If you want more of something in the world, praise it, celebrate it, speak out on its behalf. Choose to be around respectful people. And exit situations and relationships with a disrespectful dynamic. Make respect your deal-breaker.

 

7. Sustain respect. 

Even when you’ve mastered a practice, it’s easy to falter. We tire. We turn to situational logic and justify with rationalizations. When this happens, do what’s needed to recenter yourself. Create a visual reminder that’s in your face every day. Be aware and listen to your loved ones for signs you may be slipping; they’ll be the first to let you know. Ask people you trust, “How am I doing?” And get help if you need it. No one is perfect, and we all mess up. When the inevitable happens, apologize respectfully, forgive yourself, get back on your feet, and get back to work. The world needs more men like you.

  by Thomas G. Fiffer

Your views are most welcome...

7 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER FEEL APPRECATED

 1)   Ask if she feels appreciated.

This is number one on the list for a reason. Research on divorce indicates that when men are asked about marital satisfaction they rate the quality of their relationship much higher than their spouses. This may be the reason many men are surprised when their spouses walk out or ask for a divorce. There is a disconnect between men and woman and marital satisfaction. Why? It may be due to different needs and expectations as to what the relationship is supposed to offer and provide.

The best way to be proactive in this department is to ask, rather than assume, all is well. If she says she is feeling appreciated – great. Keep doing what works. On the other hand, if she says no – red flag. This is your opportunity to ask what is missing and see what you can do to change the situation.

2)   Ask how He/she is doing.

This sounds like such an obvious one. Don’t we all ask how the other person is doing when we meet after work? The problem is not that we don’t ask, but that we don’t listen. Why? Because we are tired. It is always the same answer. We are focused on our problems. When you arrive home you may just want a drink and have no patience to listen to how her day went.

Here’s a little trick to prepare yourself for this encounter. Don’t come straight home from work. Take a few minutes to go for a short walk, listen to music in the driveway, meditate, whatever. Just take some time for yourself to shed the stress of the day before you walk into the house. This will put you into a better frame of mind and make listening much easier. It may also change how you reflect on the day as well.

3)   Listen.

I don’t mean listen while watching TV or using your computer. I mean that you stop everything and turn your focus towards your partner. Look her/him in the eyes and let her/him know that you are listening. This is a powerful action to take and can dramatically affect, not only the immediate situation, but your entire relationship.

So many couples complain to me about how their partner does not listen to them. Everyone wants to be heard, truly listened to, and understood. That is one way we feel connected. It is also an act of intimacy. If you have heard your partner say that he/she wants more intimacy (and you know it is not sex he/she is talking about), take the time to listen. When you do this he/she will feel valued, appreciated and respected. Which leads me to the next item . . .

 

4)   Respect.

Gottman, in his research, talks about the importance of respect in a relationship. It is so important that he can predict with a high degree of accuracy if a relationship will succeed or not based on the level of respect between the partners. Low respect by one partner towards another is a high predictor of relationship failure.

Respect, or lack thereof, can creep into a relationship over time. We take the person for granted, we are in a foul mood and take it out on our partner, or we are having issues in the relationship, and we are nasty fighters.

If we are not careful, we may initiate a pattern of disrespect for the person we say we love the most. If you find yourself in this situation an immediate response is required. It may be a long talk with your partner to discuss your behavior and desire to change. It may be a trip to the marriage counselor or religious leader. Whatever you decide, prompt action will be required because a loss of respect doesn’t get better on its own.

5)   Finding out your partner’s love language.

This one is a gem. All too often, we show our love to our spouse in the same way we were taught to show love, not realizing that our partner may be blind and deaf to the way we communicate love. Gary Chapman identifies five ways, or love languages, we use to demonstrate love. They are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifting, quality time and physical touch.

There is nothing worse than showing your love to your partner and it not landing. In the past, I took this as a personal affront and wondered what was happening. When I discovered that my wife was touched by acts of service, I then understood why my words of affirmation went over like a lead balloon. Likewise, when we discussed these concepts, I realized that her acts of service were how she demonstrated love to me, and I finally got it. Wow! She must love me a lot because she is always doing stuff for me.

Taking the time to figure out your partner’s love language has two benefits because in the process you also find out what is your preferred way of giving and receiving love. You will now be able to give your partner love in a way that makes sense to her and request the type of love you appreciate the most. I cannot overemphasize the positive difference this discovery has made in our relationship.

 

6)   Doing things together.

I know, sounds rather obvious. I mean, isn’t that why you got together in the first place – because you liked to spend time together? Yet, over time, it is easy to move in different directions, or find new activities that our spouse is not into, or spend so much time with the kids that there is no couple time. Whatever the reasons, you must guard against these tendencies, as your relationship must be fed in order to grow and flourish.

Of course, you will have your own separate activities, but it is important that you have ones you share as well. My partner and I love going out for meals, dancing and watching action/sci-fi movies (I know, I’m a lucky guy). And you are never too old to add to the list of what you can do together. I am an avid skier and tennis player. Four years ago, in order to spend more time together, she learned to ski and play tennis. She was fifty-seven at the time. Now, we go on ski holidays and experience each other in a novel way.

As Esther Pearl of Mating in Captivity suggests, novelty is essential for eroticism, and I agree. Speaking of which . . .

7)   Make love.

I mean this in the broadest sense of the word. Whatever intimate activity touches and connects the two of you in a loving and heartfelt way, is making love. It may include sex (for the married) or walking hand in hand on a deserted beach at night. Whatever the both of you define as love-making, it is critical to include in your practice of showing that you appreciate your partner. Again, I cannot overemphasize the value of this behavior. Taking time for love-making demonstrates the importance you place on being connected. And if you engage in the other six ways of showing appreciation, the likelihood of love-making increases exponentially.

 

There you have it. Seven ways of showing your partner appreciation. Which one are you going to use today?

Your views are most welcome...

DEALING WITH HURTING PARTNER...HOW TO AID THEIR HEALING

If you are in a partnership with someone who is still healing from a past relationship, you need to know the following:

 

Set Your Boundaries I remember an early conversation with my husband. I was crying, upset and anxious about trying to rebuild my life. He held me for a time, soothing me as the sobs racked my frame. As my tears subsided, he vocalized his boundary. “I understand where you are right now. And I will give you the time you need. But this level of emotion about it is not okay for the long run. It’s not okay for us.” And he was right. Not only in his assessment, but in expressing it. It can be easy to become overwhelmed by the powerful feelings of a new relationship and to discount any warning signs. Deal breakers are different for everyone. Look to see if your partner acknowledges his or her past and is actively working to heal. Insure that your partner has a support system apart from you and has healthy coping mechanisms. You want a partner not a project. If someone is drowning, jumping in after him or her often results in even more tragedy. Sometimes the best thing you can do is throw them a life preserver, call in the professionals and stay out of the way. It’s not easy to walk away from a relationship, yet sometimes it’s the right choice for both of you.

 

Refrain From Enabling Before I met my husband, I met some men who wanted to rescue me. I have to admit, for a split second, it was tempting. But that’s no way to begin or sustain a relationship. I would forever remain a victim and my rescuer would forever be the one in control. I didn’t want a knight in shining armor; I wanted a man who would fight by my side. At the end of the day, healing is an inside job. You can help your partner but he or she has to do the heavy lifting. It’s okay to be empathic. It’s okay to offer a hand. There are times you just have to step back and let the processing occur. My husband is a master of this. One day while we were dating, I arrived at his house raging over the latest financial gutting from my ex. Before I knew it, my hands were encased in boxing gloves, heavy metal was blasting from the stereo and I was guided to the heavy bag where I was given a brief lesson before my boyfriend retreated upstairs. Empower your partner. Trust that he or she is strong enough to make it through.

 

Be Patient Healing doesn’t speak calendar. Just because your partner is a certain number of years out from their trauma, does not mean that it will not still influence them. When they experience setbacks, try not to overreact; a bad hour or even a bad day does not indicate that they are sliding back into the trauma. It just means that it’s sitting closer to the surface at the moment. Don’t Take Triggers Personally Healing is not a linear process. Months of okay can easily be undone when a trigger acts like a time warp to the past. The impact of those triggers can be intense and the emotions elicited can be dramatic. Regardless of what it looks like, that response has nothing to do with you. Because my ex-husband ended the marriage with no warning, I am primed for abandonment fears. There have been times when innocent actions by my husband have initiated a full-on fight or flight response in me. His actions don’t need to change; my responses do. If he reacted defensively, our attentions would be focused on the wrong offender. If your partner is triggered, try not to respond defensively. Be kind but calm. Even a little detached. Help to identify the source of the emotion and then let your partner work to deactivate the trigger.

 

Avoid the “Shoulds” Perhaps the worst thing to say to someone when they are sad or anxious about the past is, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” I promise those words will do nothing to lower the intensity of the emotion and will only serve to add anger towards you into the mix. Trauma has a strange way of sucking the rationality out of even the most analytical people and replacing it with emotion – raw and often overwhelming. If it seems like the your partner’s response is extreme, ask questions instead of prescribing solutions. When emotions are at the helm, trying to introduce a rational conversation will only frustrate both of you. Listen and try to understand. And then talk later when the emotions have dissipated. When someone’s reactions seem over the top, it just means that their heart needs time to catch up with their brain. Support the heart rather than chastising its cries.

 

Take Baby Steps In an ideal world, we would all be completely healed from whatever damage our previous relationships inflicted before starting a new one. But that’s not a realistic expectation. Not only do relationships have a tendency to sneak up when your back is turned, there are also certain issues that may remain dormant until a new relationship is established. If you move too quickly, the initial rush of infatuation can hide problems, much like the smoothing effect of fog tempers a harsh landscape. Triggers may be passed so swiftly that they are not seen or set off. There is no rush. Take the relationship one step at a time. Address triggers as they arise and make sure that they can be successfully deactivated. Acclimate to each new stage of the relationship and allow time to make adjustments as needed. Make sure that your partner is not charging into a relationship to avoid being alone or to pretend to be healed.

 

It’s not easy being in a relationship with someone who is still working through his or her past. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. Remember that they did not choose their pasts, but they are choosing you to be a part of their future. You can help make it a good one and cheer them on as they cross the finish line to healed.

Written by Lisa Armen



Your views are most welcome...

5 DATING ADVICE THAT KEEP GOOD PEOPLE SINGLE...

 (1) You should wait 3 days before calling, so as not to seem too eager.

Pardon me, what’s wrong with being eager? Sure, no one wants to date a loony who is likely to steal their underwear and wear it as a party hat, but a little enthusiasm never hurt anyone. Ok, I lie, maybe it did hurt someone. But who wants to date a sourpuss anyway? Fact is, most rational people find it charming when they get a call the night after giving out their number. You shouldn’t be calling everyday, three times a day, while heavy breathing down the phone; but the good old ‘three day rule’ is old and should be thrown out the window, never to return again. If someone thinks you being interested enough to call right away is a put-off, I’d say good riddance to them. That person will probably end up boring you to tears soon anyway.

 

*On a personal note. I had one guy call me three weeks after getting my number. No surprises I pretended to forget who he was, hoping he might one day get the lesson. My point is, in the end, no one wants a partner who plays it too cool.

 

(2) Treat ‘em mean, keep them keen.

This flows on from my previous point. Many people worth their salt will have a ‘treat me mean, you’ll never see me again’, approach to this rule. Generally, well-adjusted people don’t want to tell their future babies that when they met the love of their life, they were a total pain in the ass to be around. This applies to other sly behaviour. Things such as using the opposite sex to keep your partner on jealous footing. Now the sane people out there are probably thinking, “Who does that?” But I’ve known 40-year-olds who believed the strength of their relationship relied on their ability to keep their partner ‘on their toes’. By this I mean saying things to make their partner jealous. Do that to any self-respecting person and I can promise you it won’t fly for very long. If at all.

 

The popular Game or PUA technique to dating will have you believe that backhanded compliments ( negging) work. But then even the guys behind the movement, will admit that comments like, “Hey I like your outfit, my mother has one just like it,” will only attract a certain type. Unfortunately if you try it on a half- clued in person, you’ll likely ruin your chances forever. And ladies, you play nice as well. If you meet a nice man who’s interested in you, don’t treat him mean to keep him keen. In fact, just don’t treat him mean. That behaviour will only lead to bitterness. If you’re being mean because you’re not interested, let him know and be direct about it.

 

Don’t ruin a good man for the next girl who comes along.

 

(3). Date someone with similar interests.

No, just find someone who is open to your interests and who shares common life goals.

When I met my partner he was a meat eating, software developer, while I was a vegetarian, singing teacher/ writer.

I have no idea what Cryptography Engineering is, and he’s yet to open the book of Khalil Gibran poetry I bought him over a year ago.

While he’s a nerd, and I’m a scatterbrain.

While he plays computer games, I read romance novels.

Since we’ve been together he’s done more traveling than he’s used to and I’ve picked up basic coding skills. Sometimes I’ll even cook him a big meaty hamburger. What we do is compromise, though neither of us would say we’ve given anything up. If anything, we’ve gained from each other’s differences.

I’ve dated men who felt emasculated at the idea of going to the ballet with me or who didn’t even want to leave the house. Though I don’t expect my boyfriend to let me paint his nails, what drew me to him was the fact that he embraced the things I’m passionate about. I never expected him to be just like me and it’s not our interests that keep us together, but our common goals and the way we treat each other.

 

(4). If you want them bad enough, it’ll happen.

No, just no! If you want it bad enough and they don’t want you, let it go. This goes double if they already have a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. Part of becoming an emotionally mature adult comes from learning to move on. I know. There’s nothing worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you, but life’s too short. Practice believing that love doesn’t need to be that hard.

If you like someone, let him or her know. If they aren’t open to it, move on.

 

5. You should look for ‘the spark’, if there’s no spark it’s never going to work.

We’ve all heard stories of people who claim to have felt a ‘spark’ when they first met their partner. You know, that instant feeling you’ve met ‘the one’. You’ve only known each other for a week, but it feels like you’ve known each other forever. Yeah. No. Run away. ‘Sparkiness’ at the beginning of a relationship can be a red flag that you might be dating a sociopath, narcissist or psychopath.

 

Now I’m not discounting anyone’s experience. Sure, the ‘spark’ thing can work, but I’ve seen many more exceptions to the rule, as well as watched a lot of people waste a lot of time looking for ‘the spark’. It took a long time to figure out the ‘spark’ didn’t work for me, but when I did, I reaped the benefits and started giving people I wouldn’t normally date go.

The truth is the best relationships take time. It’s boring, but it’s true.

Time helps you figure each other out.

Time gives you the chance to get to know someone who isn’t your usual ‘type’.

This harks back to my earlier point about only dating people with similar interests. You just never know who you’ll get along with, until you try.

 

If you date only for that sense of familiarity, you’re likely limiting your own personal growth and missing out on a whole world of interesting people. In my opinion, love isn’t a game of rules and tricks.

 

And while you’re doing that, leave a comment and let me know if you know any other dating advice that keeps good people single.

Originally published at katerinasimms.com


Your views are most welcome...

HEY GUY... DON'T SETTLE FOR THAT GIRL!

People are always saying you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve. I’ve heard it since I was a little girl; it’s the line we tell every woman when she is treated badly, and it’s also what we recite when looking to give advice. But what about men? Why don’t we tell them not to settle? We claim women are the only ones settling, but I disagree. Men need to stop settling, too.

 

Think about it: What type of girl do you really want? Is that really the girl you are dating now? Sometimes the answer is no. The girl you are dating may not have the same values or morals as you, but you’ve pushed aside what you’re really looking for. Honestly, most of you are dating the girls who are easy to date because they don’t challenge you. What I mean by that is, they don’t challenge you to be the person you want to be, to be a better person and to bring out different qualities that make you shine as a person. I will let you in on a little secret: Your family and friends are sick of meeting these girls that are downright rude, have no goals and are just absolutely not good for you.

 

So in retrospect, they don’t want to watch you settle for less than you deserve. Do you not see your own value? The “project” you are dating is not real love, and if anyone has dated someone he or she thought could be changed, it usually is very unlikely that it happens. If you’re dating someone who doesn’t challenge you to be a better person, then you are settling for a smaller life than you deserve. Whether you want to admit it or not, the people close to you in your life usually have a good notion of the people you should be with.

I have many male friends in my life who I truly care about, and I’m constantly seeing them settle for less than they deserve. I believe men settle not because they don’t know what a real relationship is or even what real love is. It’s because they don’t think they can do any better and aren’t willing to put in the work to have something real. There is someone out there with the same values and goals as you, and also someone who will challenge you to become a better man. All relationships don’t include fighting all the time, breaking up all the time and being overall miserable with just a few good times in between.

 

There is more to love, and I promise you the wait is worth it to have a great one. Settling for less because you think that’s all you deserve is just crazy to me. Would you do that for your dream job, your house or car? Would you do that with friends? No, you would not settle for those things, so a relationship should not be any different.

 

Men, take a step back and reevaluate yourself and what you want in someone. Write it down; make a mental note and do what you need to do to not settle. Look at how unhappy you have become because you have settled and know you can find a girl who is going to make you crazy in a good way. She maybe be right in front of you, and you could always wonder what it would be like to have a girl like her. Or maybe she is the girl you run into at the coffee shop but are too scared to approach because she may not be interested. Instead, you settle for the “whatever” in life. Well, stop wondering, stop being scared of something you want and fight like hell for it.

 

Settling for the girl who showed interest in you or was easy to get will never be worth it.

To all the men out there reading, stop settling and go get the woman of your dreams.

By Lisa Thompson



Your views are most welcome...

YOU MUST MARRY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON!

I believe guys/gals should only date the most beautiful girl/guy they know.

 

Maybe this sounds a bit vain, but please allow me to explain. I am dating an amazing girl; she is the most beautiful girl I know. I do not say this to be nice; it is simply a fact to me. In my eyes, she is the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. No, I do not look like Ryan Gosling, and yes, I know more than three girls. Maybe you’re thinking, “How did you get so lucky?” Well, it’s really quite simple: All I did was take the time to get to know her.

 

When I first met her, she was drop-dead gorgeous, but she wasn’t necessarily the most beautiful girl I knew. This perception changed over time as I really grew to get to know her. As I learned more about her, I discovered her personality was just as beautiful as her lovely outer surface... Her already gorgeous outer appearance became even more stunning over time; imperfections became unique qualities and her features illuminated. It seemed that the more I learned about her, the more beautiful she became each day. After a couple of months of dating, she became the most beautiful girl I know. Every guy should strive to date the most beautiful girl he knows. It may seem like an ambitious proposition, but it’s entirely obtainable. It all comes down to how much effort you’re willing to put into getting to know someone.

 

Of course, physical attraction is important — heck, it was the most important thing to me for years — but getting to know someone’s personality, dreams and vulnerabilities is how you will really gauge how beautiful someone is. Also, dating the most beautiful girl you know makes dating ridiculously easy. You know that you could look around, but at the end of the day, you already have what you’re looking for. Checking out girls from time to time will happen a lot less.

 

When you are dating the most beautiful girl you know, it means you took the time to get to know this person very well. Getting to really know someone is a very rewarding process; as you get to know someone, you’ll be more open, which is much better than holding back out of fear for getting hurt. This isn’t meant to sound mean or harsh, but in all honesty, you shouldn’t have to settle for less. Life is too short and full of too much beauty for you not to have it always accompany you.

 

This doesn’t necessarily mean you always have to go after the baddest chick. It just means you should find a girl who is beautiful in ways beyond just aesthetics. Get to know as much as you can about her and if she eventually becomes the most beautiful girl you know, hold onto her.

 

Your girl doesn’t have to be a model; she just needs to be one in your eyes. Just remember, beauty is the eye of the beholder — you’re the beholder.

 

Written by Eric Santos

 

NOTE: THIS IS ALSO TRUE OF LADIES... MARRY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GUY!

Your views are most welcome...

THE SEXUALLY ACTIVE VIRGIN!

"Thank God I am still a virgin and I enjoy myself with alternative" she said, trying to tell me she is a 'decent' girl. Surprised I asked, "what alternatives?" she laughed, though sounding like a wicked laugh, "Sir, I do have anal sex; oral sex; masturbation; sex-chating and phone-sex are all AVAILABLE alternatives." She went off-line telling me the discussion is over. 

 

 It is a fact that sex and sexual activities abound everywhere now, thanks to the media and the culture that promote freedom without corresponding responsibilities and this had brought about some weird and strange sexual relationships especially among the single unmarried. The above is an example of what an average sexually active single engages in or is being confronted with daily... Myself inclusive. But here is what I think... Yes tag me as conservative or stereotyped or unfashionable outdated archaic African but my stand is that VIRGINITY IS MORE THAN THE UNBROKEN HYMEN! 

 

 The fact that you engages in sexual activities betray the sexual innocence which virginity portrays. Hear me, I say sexual innocence and not sexual ignorance. Some people believe ignorance is bliss when it comes to sex education of their wards, children and or members, but gone are the days when ignorance is celebrated... Therefore parent especially and youth leaders and those in charge of teenagers must educate their ward effectively toward sexual awareness therefore curing their ignorance and denying the adoption of wrong teaching. Sexual Innocence is not lack of understanding of sexuality but the state of not experimenting it in any of its forms.

 

In as much as you are sexually active, your physiological features changes. This are the changes not peculiar to adolescent but the activation of adulthood. The whole body system re-organize and rearrange itself and priorities even up to the brain! Your hymen may still be intact, but your body is not the same again. Who then do you fool? No one but yourself!

 

I support dating of young adult and morally guided relationships that adopt 'no sex' slogan and 'no lighting the fire' motto that help to keep the focus on abstinence till marriage (the original context it was designed for) and help maintain the injunction that "marital bed must be kept undefiled." Dating is meant to socialize and meet different kind of people sharing different world view thereby developing our character in relating to others especially opposite sex... Its not an opportunity to test your sexual capabilities or to play the last man/girl standing.

 

Courting is more focus on working on compatibilities and developing a compromise that is workable to sustain and maintain a life-time marital life. In all these, sexual activities are not a gauge or measure to use. Though it must be discussed and conclusive agreement must be reached, it does not give the green light for its exercise. Therefore, engaging in ALL sexually activities and its ALTERNATIVE prove that you are a sexual PRACTITIONER either your hymen is intact or not.

 

VIRGINITY represent far more than unbroken hymen: It represent self-control... A virtue that is lost among us now. It represent faithfulness... The key reason to over 70% of divorce. It represent devotion and commitment to just only one person. It represent the seal of love... Which is more elusive to those who read feelings only.

 

YOUR HYMEN MAY HAVE BEEN BROKEN BY ACCIDENT OR BY FORCE... YOU HAVE MORE VALUE TO LIVE FOR THAN THE BROKEN HYMEN!

#oluthomas



Your views are most welcome...

THE FUTURE I PROMISE TO BE...

YOU BECOME WHAT YOU CONSTANTLY THINK YOU ARE... I WANT TO SEE MY FUTURE THIS WAY SO AM WRITING THIS TO PROJECT THE FUTURE I WANT TO SEE YOU ARE FREE NOT TO SHARE THE SAME VIEW...

 

Hello, my future wife.

 

Whether you are reading this before you meet me, or stumble upon it after, I want you to know a few things. The reason I am writing this today is because I can’t stop thinking about you, and I can’t stop myself from imagining how happy we will be. Let this letter be a promise to you that I will do my best to be the man I want to be for you. I may not yet know all of the difficulties that come with a lifetime commitment, but I have enough relationship experience to know what I want and how I picture my life with the person I will commit to: you.

 

Those around me are a continuous source of education and inspiration on how I want our relationship to be. So here and today, I vow to try my best to do the following:

 

 I promise to do my best to make you beam daily, so count on many surprises. Your smile will be my priority. I get weak knees when anybody smiles, so just imagine the effort I will make to be the source of yours.

 

I promise I will always look at you with the same adoration as I did the moment I realized I loved you.

 

I promise to try to ignite the same sparkle in your eyes I see when you’re surprised, inspired, motivated or when you are about to lean in to kiss me.

 

I promise to hold your hand when we’re 80 years old with the same liveliness that I did when I crossed that line to hold yours for the first time. I vow never to let the excitement of dating me die down; I will surprise you with the location, the reason or the activity itself.

 

I promise to keep you guessing where we’re going next.

 

I promise to do my best always to interest you. I will keep reinventing myself, gaining new hobbies, new knowledge and new interests to keep you — and myself — entertained.

 

I promise to have new stories to share with you, and maybe I’ll retell the best ones again if you insist. Our friendship will continue to grow over the years. I vow to challenge you to challenge yourself for the better; to make you think differently.

 

I promise to try to feed off of your illuminating energy that will inspire me to do the same with myself. I will do my best to ensure that being bored never crosses your mind.

 

Even in grief and darkness, I promise to show you the different shades of the dark, and to help you find the tiny rays of light that are always there if you seek them. After all, there’s always worse than worst and better than best; everything is relative.

 

I promise to kiss you throughout our life together, with the same passion I had the first time I felt my lips on yours. When we kiss, I want it to slow down time — just you and me engulfed in our feelings.

 

I promise to play the games you like to play.

 

I promise to do my best to remain physically attractive for you, and I will do my best to be healthy in order to keep up with our children and grandchildren; someone has got to teach them Muay Thai kickboxing. I’ll train you, too; I want you to know how to fight and defend yourself, just don’t use it against me.

 

I promise to help you to be healthy, both physically and mentally. I will cook and clean for us. Expect the best breakfast: traditional Armenian tomato and pepper omelets, followed by fruit salad with… well, I can’t give all the secrets out.

 

I promise to strive to be a role model for our children. I want both you and them to see me as a source of motivation. I want to inspire them in the same way that my father inspires me.

 

I promise to do my best to love your family as you love them and to be by their side as much as I am by yours.

 

I promise to always listen to you when you simply just want to be heard; when you want someone to vent to about something or when you want advice. I will listen to you especially when you don’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with anybody else, and to the things you try to tell me when you’re not even speaking. I promise to always listen.

 

During our life together, I promise to make sure that you feel as though you are the center of the household — I know you will be — and I will always try to show my appreciation for you because of that. Being the man of the house is nothing without a woman.

 

I promise never to let my guard down in taking care of us. I know you won’t be one to be satisfied with the bare minimum.

 

I promise to do everything that I can for you without taking away from your independence physically, intellectually or emotionally.

 

I promise to create family traditions and to make sure that your legacy lives forever through our children.

 

I promise to encapsulate the moment when I realize that I am in the most magnetic, amorous and erotic love with you, not to let that feeling dissipate to the best of my ability and to relive it with you constantly, always.

 

Sincerely, Your Future Husband

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THE PROBLEM MALE ENCOUNTER ABOUT MALE VIRGINITY!

One of the things that I’ve seen come up over and over again in the aftermath of the Elliot Rodger shooting is the number of men – men of literally all ages – talking about the shame and pain of being a male virgin. They talk about feeling broken or unworthy, that they’ve missed some sort of open time frame where they could lose their virginity and now they’re (metaphorically) screwed. It feels like everyone knows – like you’ve been branded by a giant V.

Of course, because they’re so anxious about being an “older” virgin – where “older” can range anywhere from 15 to 50 - that they can’t bring themselves to talk about it. The fear of being “ousted” as a virgin becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. They so fear rejection for being virgins that they can’t bring themselves to approach women. They can’t bring themselves to approach women, so they don’t have opportunities to lose their virginity. They continue to get older, becoming even more anxious, and so the cycle continues, leaving them feeling ashamed, lost, even bitter and resentful. Sex goes from being something to be enjoyed to a giant monolith of titanic proportions that casts a shadow over everything they do and who they are.

 But it doesn’t have to be that way.

So let’s talk a little about the problems with the way we think about male virginity… and how to fix them.

“Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me”

It’s incredibly easy to feel as though you’re the Last Male Virgin. We live in a culture that seems to go out of its way to imply that everyone is having sex and you aren’t. Stories of blowjobs being traded as casually as handshakes in high-school, and the hang-wringing over college hook-up culture make the world sound like a never-ending bacchanal for those who are lucky enough to take part; When you’re focused on your identity as Virgin with a capital V, it can feel like everybody else is at a party that you’ve been left out of, even as it’s going on all around you.

Virgin Anxiety and The Standard Narrative

One of the reasons why men tend to freak out about the idea of being a virgin – especially being a virgin past college – is that we’ve grown up in the shadow of a cultural narrative that we believe to be law.

The Standard Virginity Loss Narrative tells us that men are supposed to lose their virginity by a certain age – sometimes by age 18, sometimes by 21. The earlier you lose it, the better off you are (no matter how unhealthy that act may actually be), but you should be actively trying by high school. According to the Standard Narrative, the ideal time is at some suitably momentous occasion: the “big game”, at prom… by graduation if you possibly can manage it. If you can’t manage it in high school, then you need to accomplish it in college… otherwise you’re well into Terra Incognita and 40 Year Old Virgin territory and nobody wants to be there because here there be dragons. We get the Standard Virginity Loss Narrative burned into our minds early on, reinforced over and over again by pop-culture until we start to believe it’s the TRUTH, carved into stone tablets delivered to us at the base of Mount Sinai.

Losing My Virginity

Speaking of stories, I want to tell you the story about my first time. Not the details – although I’m fairly certain that losing it on Halloween means I’m secretly Goth – but the drama that surrounded it.

I was 19 before I finally lost my virginity, a sophomore in college, not too far off from the average age of 17 actually, but even had I known it wouldn’t have made me feel better at the time. I was convinced I was the last male virgin on campus. And like many of my friends I was bitter about it. As far as I was concerned, it was profoundly unfair that everybody else had gotten lucky. I resented it when my more experienced friends would talk about sex and compare their various exploits; it felt to me like they were bragging, showing off in front of someone who couldn’t possibly understand. I was so embarrassed about being one of the great untouched that during my Freshman year, I made up a story about having gotten laid during Spring Break just to feel like I was one of the “normal” people.

I don’t know if my friends actually believed me, but they had the good grace to at least pretend that they did. But my fictional deflowering didn’t make things any easier. I was focused like a laser on getting laid; forcing myself into relationships with women I didn’t even like that much in hope that I might hit that metaphorical home run. And believe me; it wasn’t much better for the women I tried to date, either. I hurt a number of people in my quest to get my dick wet and, at the time, I didn’t care. My bitterness and resentment made me a prime, self-pitying asshole who was focused on only one thing and one thing only: losing my virginity at all costs.

Well, not all costs. I wasn’t quite ready to, say, find an escort. Like many virgins, I was convinced that doing so would be a cheat or would render it invalid. It only “counted” if I were able to seduce someone with my own skill and charisma. Y’know, if I had any.

Long story short I slept with my first “serious” girlfriend after an off-campus Halloween party.

The next morning, I’d come to an astonishing revelation: nothing had changed. I was the exact same person I was the day before. I didn’t feel different (aside from “holy shit I had sex”). I wasn’t imparted any special wisdom. I hadn’t been magically cured of all my ills and insecurities. And my first thought – y’know, besides “let’s do it again” – was simply: “Shit! Now what?”

Losing Your Virginity is The Starting Line, Not The Goal

That confusion I felt was directly tied to an issue I find a lot of men have when struggling with their feelings about virginity: the belief that losing their virginity is a major milestone after which everything will be different and better.

It’s not really surprising, to be honest. We fetishize virginity in men and women, just in opposite ends of the spectrum. As I’ve said before: men are valued for the sex they have while women are valued for the sex they don’t have. Virginity is prized in women – it’s a mark of “purity” and innocence. Virginity in men is vilified; being a virgin past a certain point is a sign of flaws and weakness. But losing his virginity on the other hand… that’s when the world is supposed to open up for you. The coming of age narrative for men inevitably links losing one’s virginity with becoming a man. Movies constantly make sex either the reward for the hero or the goal, after which they’re no longer the loser they were before. Sex becomes a way of taking a level in man.

Except life’s not a movie and that’s not how things work. The credits don’t roll as your penis starts singing the score from the Throne Room scene in Star Wars. Losing your virginity isn’t the end of sexual maturation, it’s the beginning. You’re only just starting to learn about sex, not proving that you’ve finally mastered it.

There’s a zen koan that I like: “before enlightenment: cut wood, carry water. After enlightenment: cut wood, carry water”. Life remains the same, even after you’ve achieved what you think you’ve always dreamed about. Imagining that sex is going to make you different is a mistake. When you start to fetishize your status as a virgin, you’re setting yourself up for an inevitable disappointment when you do have sex because your life isn’t going to be any more fundamentally different than if you’d just ridden a roller-coaster for the first time. You’re going to be the exact same person you were, with the same issues, anxieties, fears and doubts. As with other forms of external validation, it doesn’t solve any problems and can actually make them worse.

Changing The Stigma Starts With You

As with most issues, if we want to change the way that we treat male virgins, especially older ones, then we need to start with ourselves and our own relationship with our sexuality. And the first step is to quit letting you perpetuate the stigma of male virginity and the fucked up narrative. When you cry and moan about how awful it is that you haven’t had sex yet, you contribute to the problem. You’re helping to perpetuate the idea that virgin = defect. Even when those complaints are turned inward and you’re silently castigating yourself, you are continuing to reinforce that there’s something wrong because you haven’t had sex yet.

Let go of the labels.  Let go of the blame. Both of these only serve to reinforce the idea something is wrong. Phrases like “incel” or “love-shy” just serve as a form of self-othering, making you out to be something besides human.

I’ll be the first to tell you: it’s not easy. Not in the slightest. You have to consciously choose to throw off a cultural narrative that permeates just about every aspect of our entertainment. It’s one more part of the traditional masculine gender role that so many people will gleefully try to force you back into and punish you if you deviate from. You have to learn to let go of being defensive about it or feeling embarrassed, to stop responding as though being a virgin means you’ve done something wrong or that there’s something wrong with you. It means you have to consciously re-frame your own thought patterns, reminding yourself that not having had sex yet has no bearing on your value as a person no matter your age.

“You’re still a virgin.”

“Yes, and?”

“Have you ever even seen a woman naked before?”

“Not yet, so?”

The people who will mock you and try to shame you are of no account; they’re showing themselves to be assholes and why should you care about the opinions of assholes?

Your value doesn’t come from who you have or haven’t slept with. It doesn’t come from where you fall on the bell-curve of starting sexual activity, whether you were precocious or a late bloomer. Your value as a person comes from how you act and how you make others feel. It’s about what you bring to the table as a whole person, not how many vaginas you’ve managed to talk your way into.

Don’t spend your time focused on getting laid or getting someone laid for the first time; spend your time on becoming a better person. Cultivate an amazing life. Learn to connect with people, to build relationships. Don’t throw your hands in the air and just assume you’re uniquely cursed, work to fix things. Practice your social skills – getting good with women, getting good with people, is a skill that you can learn. Yes, you may have problems. You may have circumstances in your life that make things harder for you. But harder isn’t impossible, no matter how daunting it may seem.

Focus less on being a virgin and focus more on being a person.

Excerpt from Dr. NerdLove Post on www.goodmenproject.com titled "The Problem with Male Virginity"

 (Edited)

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TOO AFRAID TO LOVE EQUALS ONE SIDED LOVE!

Sometimes, no matter what you do or don’t do, it just won’t be enough.

Men can so easily be labeled as the problem or reason why relationships fail and I think undeservedly so. I think sometimes relationships fail because one partner is just too afraid to love.

There is a fine, fine line between giving love another chance, and knowing when to call it quit. Sometimes, no matter what you do, someone just isn’t ready, willing and able to make the dream relationship become a reality.

I’ll admit I’ve gotten stopped by this, myself. I’ve fallen victim to trying to live up to the image of Prince Charming or Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. This image may lead some people to hold unrealistic, unfair and perhaps unhealthy expectations for what I man should do to “save” a relationship. The movies and media portray this archetype of masculinity as unwavering, unfailing and unrelenting in the pursuit of his love. He overcomes every obstacle, test and gauntlet to win her hand and live happily ever after, but what about when the love doesn’t want to be loved? Or caught? Or sought after? What if the object of affection, herself, is the gauntlet?

Relationships won’t work out if both or all parties aren’t on board with equal investment, energy, commitment and devotion. I’m talking about the “I adore you even when you piss me off” devotion. The kind of devotion that happens when you see into someone’s soul and realize they are a true gift to you that you’d be willing to sacrifice anything for in order to keep. If both or all members of a relationship aren’t sharing this experience, it just won’t work. It is replaced with constant ambivalence which is toxic to both parties and effectively sabotages whatever they are trying to build. If the devotion isn’t there, if the vulnerability isn’t achieved and expressed, it’s just an intention. It takes commitment to actualize it into the beautiful thing many of us seek.

That’s why the whole “He’s Just Not That into You” thing really annoys me. I’ll admit, I never read the book or saw the movie so I’m running my mouth just based on an impression and I’ll claim that women may use the “he’s just not that into you” line as a convenient excuse for some men who gave up because they got tired of the game. I see a lot of women/people online and in real life, not wanting to be caught or loved and battling their own demons so fiercely that no man stands a chance. Welcome to the successful field of psychotherapy, right? Right. But in the meantime, I feel pretty bothered by how easily these women put the blame on their male counterparts when the onus is really on them.

“He wasn’t man enough.”

“He wasn’t willing to love my wounds.”

“He wasn’t patient enough.”

Consider that he might not be into you because you aren’t into you. And it’s your work to love yourself so you can love another person.

Love isn’t an endless fountain of love, patience and unlimited tries unless both people are having the experience each person deserves. If you aren’t pulling your weight and delivering, you don’t get to take and take and blame when the supply runs out. It’s not fair. And it’s worth exploring what’s happening with folks who persist so, um, persistently, with folks who play hard to get. It can become a symbiosis of who really feels unworthy of love more?

It’s happening in all relationships. It happens when a person isn’t able to admit his/her imperfections and bring humility to the table. It happens when both people aren’t responsible for their words, actions and habits that, if changed, would help foster more trust, love and intimacy.

We can’t be afraid to love, if loving and being loved is truly what we want.

One person isn’t responsible for keeping a relationship going and doing all the work, even if he may be physically stronger and taught by society to endure at all costs.

I don’t agree when the cost is the experience he deserves to have as a part of a whole.

When both people are giving and receiving, and it happens on both ends, willingly, it’s a win-win. That’s love.

 

 Written by Dillan DiGiovanni at The Good Men Project

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