Loving an Unlovable Woman

Loving an Unlovable Woman

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say it. I heard it again the other day in my office from a client. I’ve heard it from friends. It doesn’t matter how smart, how fun, how caring, how successful, or how attractive women  are. They believe it…”I am unlovable.”

These women that have so much going for them. And yet they believe that no one wants to be with them.

From one perspective it is difficult to understand how they can come to this conclusion. How they cannot see all that they have to offer to a partner? However, as I listen to their stories I begin to see why they believe it. It is because men have told them they are. Over and over and over again.

I’m sure most men will claim that they’ve never said a woman was unlovable. And that’s probably true…at least with those exact words.

But what about in other words? How many of you have ever claimed a woman was over-emotional, over-reacting, too demanding, high maintenance, clingy, crazy, controlling, or irrational? Maybe you’ve told a woman that no one could live up to her expectations.

If these comments aren’t enough, men back them up with some tired tropes about relationships. I hear them in therapy all too often. A good relationship shouldn’t take so much work. I don’t want to have to talk about everything. There shouldn’t be so many ups and downs…why can’t we just be happy? She just wants to complain, while I want to fix the situation for her. I spend time watching TV or playing video games in the room with her, how much more of my time does she want?

Instead of saying, “I don’t want the same things in a relationship that you do,” too often men feel the need to tell women that what they want is wrong or bad. Giving that framing, how can women hear anything other than, “you are unlovable?”

What gets overlooked is the fact that we can spin the male perspective in the same way men often spin what women are asking for. I don’t want to do the work it takes to be in a relationship with someone as smart, strong and in touch with their emotions as you are. I don’t want to have to be on my toes or be challenged to keep up with you. I want to take the easy way out. I don’t want to have to make myself vulnerable enough to connect emotionally or to be present with you.

Those are exactly what those criticisms of women are really about. It isn’t that the women are bad, or over the top. It is that many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with a strong, smart, independent woman. And to feel good about themselves, they frame their partner as the one that is not normal. It is how they justify their unwillingness to work harder.

The difficult part is that they often get away with it. This has been going on for so long that many women buy into it to. They hold themselves back, they don’t show their intelligence or personality because they have been taught that men won’t like it. Men use the fact that some women do that as evidence that other women are asking for too much. It is a damaging cycle.

Unfortunately it gets worse. Despite the fact that in the end many men don’t want to do the work it takes to be with them, men are often wildly attracted to smart, strong, intelligent, passionate, authentic women. Men see the positive energy, fire and authenticity and want to be a part of it. They will virtually orbit those women just to be around them.

When those men come to realize that this type of woman takes more than they are able or willing to give, it seldom ends well. The attraction is still there, but men don’t want to accept that it is their lack of effort that is the issue. They’d rather criticize the woman for having the very traits that made her attractive in the first place.

Some men simply fade away, leaving the woman to believe she was undesirable. Other men revert to those same claims about how it is the woman’s fault. They tell women that they want too much and are being unreasonable.

Then there are the men rushing for a monogamous relationship. If the woman says no, he can resort to the claims of how she’ll never find a man. If she says yes, it not only helps eliminate competition, it also adds claims of obligation and commitment to their arsenal to defend not putting effort into the relationship…

However it plays out, the cycle is perpetuated. Women that aren’t afraid to show that they have intelligence, passion and more are given the message they are unlovable.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

There is a different type of man. One who believes that a woman like this is worth investing time and energy into. That having a woman like this in his life makes him a better man. That there is value in having to stay on his toes, having to think, having to make an effort. That a relationship like this is not only worth the effort, but substantively different than anything he’ll experience elsewhere.

Even if you don’t want to invest the effort it takes, own your choice. Don’t pin the fact that you won’t work for what you are attracted to on her. Instead of telling her she is somehow flawed or less than, respectfully admit that you aren’t interested in investing in a relationship with her. Don’t protect your own ego by crushing hers.

After all, what kind of man do you want to be?

written by Jay Blevins

#its_all_about_relationship
#oluthomas
#oluthomas_sharing_the_love
#Marriage

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There is No Courage Higher Than Fleeing...

 FLEE...

The successful parent of yester years shakes their head when they behold the parenting strategy of nowadays parent. They claim law and order is needful. Many parents of these days believe in love and freedom for their children but many are still a failure because freedom is abused and love taken for granted. While retorting to law and order is seen as going way back to colonial days, there is a serious need for parenting to be balanced between freedom & love and Law & order to actually have the desired balance.

We do not need to impose the law on our young people, thinking that without the law, they would go out and sin. Joseph in the bible wasn’t governed by the TEN COMMANDMENTS because there were no such as at then, but he has a working knowledge of God. Similarly, I believe that young people who are full of Jesus will have the COURAGE to run away from temptation!

Hey, there is nothing wrong with running away from temptation! It shows we just did not put confidence in our own flesh to resist temptation.

There is a burden of freedom, and liberty has responsibility… ACCOUNTABILITY.

Teenagers and young adult who are dating, learn to flee from temptations like Joseph did. Don’t go to dark, quiet places or lock yourselves alone in your rooms where raging hormones can bring you further than where you want to go. God design sex to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant. He is not robbing you of fun. He loves you too much to see you go from one broken sexual relationship to another, and end up feeling used, cheated, manipulated, cheap and empty.

Flee from youthful lusts and pursue God’s righteousness instead.

If internet pornography is a temptation, then let’s understand as young people that we cannot put confidence in our own flesh to resist temptation, and to flee from it instead.

Parents, at the same time, you can make pragmatic changes by placing your home computers in the living rooms and not in your son’s or daughter’s room. This is parenting with grace: you can trust your teenagers, but you can also teach them not to trust their flesh, and to flee from temptations!

But no matter what your past is like, there is a future and there is now no condemnation for you… Accept Jesus and you can begin a new life!

#Its_all_about_relationship
#oluthomas
#oluthomas_sharing_the_love
#parenting
#Teenagers
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6 Ways Social Media Use is Harming Our Relationships

 6 Ways Social Media Use is Harming Our Relationships

  

Imagine for a moment your most recent conversation in person. No, not the conversation you had with text, private message on Facebook, direct message on Twitter, or any other way than in person. Think of the last time you sat down and were in front of another human being with the sole purpose of communicating with each other.

Maybe this person was your spouse, your child, a parent, family member or friend. Now, unless you had your smartphone turned off or on silent, chances are you felt or heard a persistent buzz notifying you of a text message, email or phone call.

How difficult was it to not check it? Did you pay any attention to it?

Recently, I found myself giving more time to my social media accounts on my smartphone than the person I was talking to in front of me. I remember when I was in a customer service role about ten years ago someone told me:

 “Your job is to answer the phone. Your main priority is the person in front of you. If someone is in front of you, you ignore the phone. They took the time to come see you in person, the caller will call back.”

After I had realized my shortcomings with my lack of smartphone etiquette, I realized I wasn’t just being rude, I was ruining relationships. After some research, self-criticism, and further insight, here’s what I discovered about the use of social media accounts and harming my relationships.

Perceived priorities

Interrupting an in-person visit for a text message lets the other person know where they stand in your priorities. When I am talking with someone in person, I don’t believe it is polite or professional to stick my finger in their face and say, “Hold on. I need to talk to this person who is on the phone.”

I now pronounce you Spouse and Phone

When we spend time with our family, it is good to occasionally disconnect from technology. If we were to walk into the majority of homes, we would see most of the members of any given household staring down at their smartphones, laptops, or other handheld devices. When we lose our need to be connected with others, we lose our perspective on the need for good relationships.

Bottom line: when you are alone with your spouse, put the phone down.

Disconnected people lead lonely lives

Seriously, what does it matter if we have interaction and gain some strangers “approval” through his/her favouriting our tweet, liking our status or photo, or any other interaction? In what way does this improve our lives and relationships?

Let me make it clear: No one wants to connect with a disconnected person.

 
Disengagement from social activities With real people, in real life, will lead to less connectivity and lower quality relationships. In turn, this will have the possibility to result in fewer opportunities because we will be known as “the guy who is always staring at his phone.”

Lack of communication will destroy a relationship (with the real humans). Have you tried to have a real conversation while talking to someone, using emoticons? Try explaining this without text messaging! Instead of replying with a simple, yet vague, “LOL” or a “Wink and a smile,” we might actually be required to explain why we laugh, why we are winking, or simply have a conversation beyond one word answers.

Unreasonable expectations are created

Imagine you are at the office on a Monday at about 2 PM. When you have the all clear, you take a quick glance at your social media account. What sucks is the first picture that pops up. You see a picture of someone with their feet in the white sands of a beach, the beautiful water, sun, drinks, and you immediately regret taking your current job.

While this may be good motivation for you to prod your entrepreneurial spirit, it certainly makes the rest of your work day horribly difficult to complete. On another note, when we constantly see our friends and family getting new things, buying new property, taking trips; we get to the point where we question why we can’t do that too! Then, our contentment in our lives is challenged, and I can tell you from my experience, this is the first step down a long, painful road of disappointment.

What we create when we give our social media accounts the majority of our attention is a disconnected, unrealistic lifestyle. In all reality, we create two different lives: one life we live without the technology we submerse ourselves into, the other life others perceive we lead on a regular basis from our posts.

Without a doubt, social media plays a unique role in our society, and its role is ever increasing. I have been challenged personally to monitor my use and not take for granted the relationships I have.

#Its_all_about_relationship

#oluthomas

#oluthomas_sharing_the_love

#giveattention

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written by Adam Davis for goodmenproject.com



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