Dads Involment In Dating: Shall I Begin?

MY BODY, MY RULES!

DAD INVOLVEMENT IN DATING

Have you seen this shirt? It has been all over the place. I like to think of myself as a feminist father. And I agree with the shirt, mostly.

Here’s the problem with shirts and bumper stickers and #sound_bites. They boil everything down into a simple digestible message that, while catchy and convenient, is also easily misconstrued. I could see myself buying this shirt and wearing it proudly, only to have it come back and bite me in the ass when my 14-year-old daughter wants to create all the rules when it comes to dating. That’s not going to fly.

My being a #feminist father does not mean she gets to make the rules.

Here are my rules for my daughter.

1. You get to pick who you date.

I may not like them, and I may express my concern, but I don’t have veto power when it comes to who you like or love. I hope… I really hope that my opinion will still matter to you when you start dating, but I think that has more to do with my finding a way to remain relevant than your deciding that my opinion is still worth anything. I hope I love all the people you date. I hope you pick a person who see strength in you and love you for it, and accept your faith and believes. I hope your self-esteem is a gate through which only the worthy may pass, but you and only you get the final determination of who is worthy.

2. I get to pick when you date them and for how long.

By “how long” I don’t mean weeks/months/years. By “when and how long,” I mean days of the week and hours of the day. You live in my house, and I am responsible for your schedule. Most of the time, your schedule will be negotiable, and you will maintain the lion’s share of the control over it. But if you are slipping at school, if you are not keeping up on your share of the household responsibilities, if for some reason you decide to become a Bears fan, your schedule belongs to me and Snake will have to stand outside your window with a boom box.

3. You get to use me as an excuse.

In high school I had a girl tell me she was breaking up with me because she didn’t want to disappoint her father. I was being too forward and she said no (not sex, kissing, hugging, etc.). I was respectful, but bitter. I hated her dad for a long time for “oppressing” her. Years later, I found out that that is the lesson learned from their faith. They were that close. I hope we can be that close.

You can date whomever you want. But if you are in a situation that you shouldn’t feel comfortable in, and you want to blame your “oppressive asshole dad” for needing to leave or break up or whatever, go right ahead. I have been called an asshole for much worse reasons. I know that emotional honesty is a better way to go, but handy teenagers aren’t always the best with emotional honesty. So tell them I am your excuse!

4. You have to listen to me when we talk about sex, or at least pretend to listen.

You have to sit down.

You have to respond.

You can be embarrassed.

You can blush and bury your face in your hands when I say things like fallopian tubes and labia and… OK, I won’t say labia. I don’t know why I would need to say labia. The point is: we’re going to talk about sex before you start dating, when you start dating, and after you start dating! It isn’t going to be a taboo subject in our house. It isn’t going to be something that we are ashamed of, but it IS going to be something I ask you to respect. Sex is a big deal. It is a bond between you and another human being. It has the power to begin the ULTIMATE bond between you and another human being. It is our responsibility as parents to teach you about sex, its benefits AND its risks.

5. Your body. Your rules.

Yes your body is your rule, but when it comes to sex, you must be aware that your body is a temple where your maker commune with you… meaning you wouldn’t spoil, destroy, dent, and defile that sacred place.

Yes, your body is your rule; however, “My body is my rules” doesn’t give you an excuse to say “Hey, I’m happy with my body, I don’t care if I’m over weight. I will eat what I want and not care about anything because it’s my body.”

No! It is your body and you have right to make your own rules, but surely, the first rule should be, “I Shall Respect, Love, and Nurture my body.” Remember you will be accountable for that body one day!

I don’t know if these rules make me a #feminist_father. I’m sure I contradict myself somewhere within, or I will when the realities of raising a teenager become more apparent. Like Whitman said: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then… I contradict myself; I am large… I contain multitudes.”

I just want my daughter to know that I do view myself as her protector. And her brother. It’s my job. Not because I am a male, but because I am a parent.

Note: I reserve the right to amend or add to these rules as needed when I have to deal with an actual, live teenager. It’s nice to dream, though.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE "WAR AFFAIR": WARFARE!

Note: These rules apply to my son, too. I am just going to refer to my daughter so I don’t have to annoyingly write “her/him, they, my kids” this entire post.

An earlier version of this piece appeared on John Kinnear’s personal blog, Ask Your Dad.

Edited.

 



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