I Didn’t Marry the Love of My Life or My Best Friend

I Didn’t Marry the Love of My Life or My Best Friend

Last week my wife and I celebrated 16 years of marriage. Lots of people gave us “Happy Anniversary” wishes and left comments on our Facebook pages. Between the 2 of us we amassed nearly 200 likes on each of our status updates combined.

It was a good day spent with our family. As I thought about it later that evening, I reflected back on our anniversary day a few years ago. That day was not good …. at all! We were both busy. And we were both stressed. I was working to complete some big tasks at work and she had phone calls to return. I remember that we were irritated with one another and even snapped at each other a few times throughout the day. We collapsed into bed around midnight that night, and, within minutes, were both sound asleep. So much for a blissful, romantic anniversary right?

However, that’s real life. That’s reality. Often, we try to keep the magic of our dating years alive throughout our marriage, all the while missing a very important growth element that must happen. Your wedding day is a day to be celebrated. Your marriage in the years to follow is the true investment. Speaking of investment, I didn’t marry my best friend 16 years ago. We weren’t deeply, blissfully in love on that special day either.

That may catch you by surprise and you may be wondering what in the world that has to do with investment.

I’m not a believer in love at first sight. And I don’t get too warm and fuzzy when I see Facebook statuses on people’s anniversaries that say something to the effect of, “So and so many years ago I married my best friend, the love of my life, the rock on which I stand, the wind beneath my wings (this is sounding like a Bette Midler song)!”

I’m not saying any of this is wrong. It’s okay to post these kinds of things on Facebook or Twitter. And if you feel as though you experienced love at first sight, or you did marry your best friend many years ago, that’s perfectly okay. I’m not being cynical; I’m being honest with you. Sixteen years ago, I did not marry my best friend and when we first met it was not love at first sight.

Today, 16 years later, I am married to my best friend. Back then, I wasn’t. Today, I do have a deep love and respect for this woman I’ve spent all these years with. Back then, I did not. Why? You ask. Because I didn’t really know her all those years ago! On our wedding day, we had only known each other for a total of 16 months. That’s not very long?

We didn’t experience love at first sight. Because I believe it doesn’t exist. Now, we experienced infatuation at first sight, but not love. That does exist. We checked each other out when we first met. We gave the classic look up and down of one another to survey the goods. Doesn’t every red-blooded human being when they first meet and there’s attraction?

I say all of this because love is a process. Marriage is an investment that grows over time. It’s a journey. It’s something that grows through facing trials together and holding on to a commitment you made to one another. Friendship is the same. It’s not instantaneous, nor does it reach its full depth in just a few months or even after a year. Love is not a destination to be reached; it’s a journey to go on and give yourself fully to, through good times or bad. After 16 years, and many many fights, lots of mountain-top experiences, some extremely tough and gut-wrenching trials, and blissful moments, I can say, I love my wife more than I ever have before. And I can honestly say that she’s become my very best friend.

Not because we’re both all hopped up on hormones or attraction for one another. Not because she still looks as sexy as ever in a summer dress. Not because she still whispers sweet-nothings in my ear.

I love her more than anything because she has stood by me through some very tough times. She’s my best friend today, because we’ve spent a lifetime with each other. And, because we can both get crazy-mad at each other, say things under our breath, storm off and vent, but return to the house we own, forgive one another, and stay married. We have sacrificed for one another, we have cried and prayed for one another, and we have believed in one another through thick and thin.

Love grows over time. Friendship builds through years of living life together. Neither can reach their full depth if they are void of strong commitment and devotion. And, neither happens in a few months or even a few years time. It’s a process. It’s a journey.

Written by Mike Berry from goodmen.com

(Edited)

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THE UNSEXY THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

THE UNSEXY THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

Over the course of my years as a therapist, I have interviewed thousands of people and one continuous theme is problematic relationships. I have seen couples of various stripes and hues arrive at my door, some just starting to show signs of strain, some on life support and some dead on arrival.

Often I can hear couples bickering in my waiting room; their initial attempts to keep their voices low failing as the volume steadily increase. I open the door and the white-hot tension of their anger smacks me in the face.

What are the elements of a good relationship?

I would love to come up with some sexy, pithy top ten lists of easy steps. Doing so could surely garner me a viral social media response. However, my personal and professional experience tells me it takes steady, hard work to start, forge, and maintain a good marriage.

Choose Wisely and Go Slowly

I half-jokingly tell people I will write a book on marriage containing only two words but all the wisdom you would ever need to know: Choose wisely! I met my first wife at keg party and she came home with me that night. For a time we were inseparable and in love. We got married two years after that, spent a miserable year together, separated, and bitterly divorced.

My second marriage was much more cautiously entered into. We both had children from our failed marriages. There was also a sense of wanting to do things right. In those days, post-divorce and post-addiction, I felt very unsure of myself, relying on my therapist to guide me. She had a radical notion that I should delay any deep involvement, sexual or otherwise, as long as possible. The overarching idea being: don’t commit until you’re sure.

First we dated and as we dated, we talked. We came to know each other well. Our emotions deepened as our knowledge of one another increased and a foundation of trust was built. Coming together slowly gave the relationship traction and gave us the opportunity to plan a future.

Plan, Discuss and Create a Vision for Your Future. Repeat.

Welcome to the really unsexy part.

For a moment, think of your relationship as a business. You and your partner are the CEOs:

• What is the mission of your marriage?
• What are your goals?
• What is your vision for one, three, five and ten years out? Are you on the same page?
• Once you’ve agreed on your goals what is the division of labor going to be?
• How will you manage money and finances?
• Is parenting on the table? Talk about your values and expectations of one another as parents.

NOTE: If you don’t have stated goals and an understanding for how you’re going to accomplish them, you’re bound for trouble.

Acknowledge and Address Red Flags. You might need to walk away.

• Looking back on the first marriage from where I sit today, it’s no mystery why it failed. Alcohol and drugs were a major factor. It’s something my clients often grapple with and lose to. Don’t get entangled with someone who uses alcohol or drugs.
• Be wary of other unhealthy behaviors or patterns you see. If you think he/she has a problem, then listen to your gut and until they get help, steer clear.
• If something is bothering you about the other person pay attention to what you’re feeling (trust your instincts!) and find a way to discuss it.

If the other person can’t/won’t discuss the problem with you, you may need to move on. If you don’t address issues together now, it will only spell big trouble down the road.

Relationships can make a huge difference in our lives. Partnerships can lighten our burdens logistically, financially, emotionally and spiritually. Intimacy with others is one of our most basic needs and avenues of healing.

However, my experience tells me what happens if we don’t stop and really look before we leap. We stare down the end of another failed relationship. It’s not pithy, sexy, or fun but it is the hard truth about what determines a relationship’s success or failure.

#Its_all_about_relationship

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HANDLING REJECTION

#‎HANDLING_REJECTION‬

Any kind of rejection, no matter if it's in love, your career, friends, a book proposal or anything else, is not something that should affect how happy you are. Rejection doesn't feel great and sometimes it feels unfathomable but it shouldn't be something you permit to take away happiness from your life. The reality of life is that rejection will form a part of it–there will be occasions when your job application, your date request or your ideas for change will be rejected by someone, somewhere. It is a healthy attitude to accept that rejection is a part of life and to acknowledge that what really matters is finding the way to bounce back and try again.

* Have an appropriate grieving Period. You are going to feel upset because of a rejection, whether it's having your manuscript rejected, an idea rejected, being rejected by a potential romantic partner. You are allowed to be upset about that, and in fact, it is healthy for you to give yourself some time to process and grieve.

* Talk it over with a Trusted Friend/Family member. Don't whine, don't get dramatic about it. They will help you grieve reasonably. Warning: Avoid getting on the social media to air your grievances.

* Accept the rejection early. The earlier you come to terms with it; the easier and faster you move on from it.

* Don't take rejection Personally. Remember that the rejection says nothing about you as a person. Getting rejected is part of life and it is not a personal attack on you or your personality.

 

 * Re-frame the Rejection. People who talk about being rejected tend to take rejections more poorly than people who re-frame it. Instead of saying, "They rejected me," Say, "They say No." or "It didn't work out." this removes blame from you and the other partner.

 

 

* Do something else to take your mind off it. Do something fun. Play games, hang out, or go visiting. You need to get your mind off the rejection after the appropriate grieving time. You can't afford to let rejection bring your life to a screeching halt.

* Don't allow rejection to control your future. Rejection is part of life trying to avoid it or dwelling on it will make you very unhappy. You future depend on your positive attitude toward rejection.

* Use Rejection to Improve. Sometimes rejection is a wake-up call, and can help you improve your life. If you can ask the person who rejected you to give you some feedback on why they weren't interested, you can use their answer to improve except its just a personal preference.

Lastly, remember you are not entitle to a 'yes' response all the time. People are entitle to their choice of yes or no, and when they make use of it in whatever way that concerns or affect you, don't be discouraged. Remember you too had used and will still continue to use the power of your choice in either saying Yes (accepting) or No (rejecting) to other people's ideas or proposers. Therefore, be gentle to others and come to terms with other people's NO as graciously as possible.

‪#‎BE_LIFTED‬.

(For further understanding check wikihow.com)

‪#‎Its_all_about_relationship‬
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9 Things I Learned About Being A Good Father From Having A Bad One.

9 Things I Learned About Being A Good Father From Having A Bad One.

 

Although my dad didn’t teach me the things every father should teach his son, I did, however, learn some important lessons about fatherhood from my dad, and these things have greatly impacted the kind of dad I am to my own son. I know a lot of mother’s read our blog, but this series is for all the dad’s out there. (Although good mom’s should do all of the same things.) So mom’s please forward this post to all of the dad’s in your life (and all of the will-be-a-dads-one-day); my hope is that all dad’s (myself included) let these nine lessons mark the kind of dad they are.

1. Tell Your Kids You Love Them. Often.
It breaks my heart that I can’t remember my dad ever telling me he loved me. I’m sure he did, I just can’t remember it. That’s sad. Don’t let your kids ever say the same thing about you. Tell your kids you love them and you are proud of them, often. Tell it to them until they say they are sick of hearing you say it. Then say it a million more times.


Your kids long to hear you say that you love them and that you’re extremely proud of them. They may say they don’t (for those of you raising teenagers) but they do.
Trust me.


2. Pray For Your Kids. Often.
I don’t remember my dad ever praying for me. In fact, I don’t remember my dad ever praying for anything, ever. That’s heartbreaking. For me and for him. One of the greatest privileges (and obligations) we have as parents is praying for our children. My dad missed out on that privilege. I won’t.

Take time to pray for your kids every single day. Let them hear you pray. Pray at dinner time. Pray as a family. Pray when trouble comes. Pray when things are good. Pray when you have little. Pray when you have plenty. Let your kids catch you praying. Let them know that you know the One who holds the whole world in His hands. The One who hears us when we pray. The One who is always there for us. Let them know that you have a high regard for prayer.


Bottom line; Make sure your kids know (and see you model) that one of the most manly things that any man man can do is pray. Teach your kids this at an early age.


3. Teach Your Kids Where Truth Comes From Your children are going to spend their entire lives living in a world that’s trying to sell them one lie after other. Our job as parents is to teach them truth and where that truth comes from.

Truth ultimately comes from the Bible. The Bible is our standard of what is right and wrong. It gives us fixed points of reference to align our life when the storms of life come our way; like a light house does for a ship at sea.


Make sure your house (and your life) revolves around the Word of God. Teach your child what it means to have a Biblical worldview. If you don’t the world will teach them otherwise. And your child will spend their entire life searching for truth in all the wrong places. Don’t let this
happen.


If you have young children The Jesus Story Book Bible is one of the best children’s Bibles you can buy. It’s worth it’s weight in gold. Buy it, and read it to your children as often as you can. If you’re an adult and looking to learn more about God’s Word yourself, I want to suggest two books that will change your life forever.


i. The ESV Study Bible. This is simply the best study Bible you can buy, and the information contained in it will help you learn what the Bible actually means.


ii. Living By The Book – This book was written by one of my professors and it will transform the way you read and study the Bible. Trust me. It’s also worth it’s weight in gold.


“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” – Proverbs 22:6


4. Hug and kiss your wife in front of your kids. Often.
I’m not talking about a full on make out session. That would just freak your kid out. But show affection to your wife in front of your children. Hug her. Kiss her. Tell her you love her. Tell her she is beautiful. Take your wife out on dates without your child. Go on a short (or long!) vacation without your children. (I’ll admit, this one is hard to do.)


Why is this so important? You want your children to know that their parents (and their home) are secure. That mom and dad are committed to each other. That mom and dad are in love with each other. That even though their friend’s family may be falling apart, theirs isn’t. I want my children to know their home is a safe place. That mom and dad love each other and aren’t going anywhere. Ever. No matter what.


My son never has to worry about dad divorcing mom (or vis versa.) We are in this for the long haul. In fact, here are the exact wedding vows I made to my wife on our wedding day. I want my kids to know I meant every word. (It’s amazing how many husbands forget the vowels they made on their wedding day. Sad.)


"I, Rick give myself completely to you, Abbie, To be your husband in marriage; I will lead you spiritually as I submit to the Lord and His Word to guide our lives; I will be faithful to God and to you and I will never leave you; And divorce, whether mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical, Will never be an option to me. I will forgive you as Christ has forgiven me; I will encourage, challenge and pray for you. And I will keep Christ at the center of our marriage. And I will love with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength all of the days of my life All this I vow to you and to God."


Do I always do a perfect job at doing what I said I would do? Nope. Do I always strive to? Yelp.

I mean what I said that day. And by God’s grace I will strive to live out those vows until God takes one of us home. I’m not a perfect dad, but I know where Perfection comes from, and I daily seek to become more like Him.


In case I wasn’t clear: I am madly, deeply, crazy, head over heels in love with Noah’s mom. I fall more in love with her ever day. She becomes more beautiful to me every day. And Noah knows it.


5. Don’t argue in front of your kids.
This point goes with the one above. In addition to making your home a secure one for your kids, make it a peaceful one.

Every married couple has arguments. It’s normal. It’s healthy. It’s ok. But as parents we should make it our goal not to have them in front of our children. (Yes, I know this isn’t always possible. Trust me, I’m a mess to be married to.) But we should strive for it. By the way, we should also strive to fight fair with our spouse when we do argue. You want your kids to want to be at home. You want your kids to think of your house as the most peaceful, loving place on the planet. Sadly,this wasn’t the case with me. Many of my memories growing up are of my mom and dad arguing. It made my home feel unstable (which it was; my parents eventually divorced and my dad abandoned my mother to rise four boys on her own) and un-peaceful and I never wanted to be there as I got into my teenage years.


Dads, do all that you can to make your home a place your kids want to be at. Trust me. One day they may not be living with you, and you want them to want to come back.


7. Be Fun.
I’ve met a lot of dads (mine included) that seem to have forgotten what it’s like to be a kid.
They yell.
They scream.
Are quick tempered.
Grumpy.
And outright no fun to be around. They don’t read silly stories to their kids, help them build universes made entirely out of legos, go down the slide with them, or put on silly puppet shows for them.

In other words that are mean-o’s.
Don’t be this dad.
Have fun with your kids. Make memories. Laugh with them. Tickle them. Jump in the ball pit with them. Be goofy with them. Create new family traditions. In other words just be FUN to be around.


To combine the last three points; make sure your house is secure, loving, peacefully, and full of joy. That is the kind of a house a kid longs to be at, not longs to run away from.


8. Beware of Alcohol.
I’m anti-alcohol by any means. However, I am (as is It’s never ok to be drunk. It’s especially never ok to be drunk around your children.


My father was an alcoholic, in fact he eventually drank himself to death. Almost all the memories I have of my father involved him drinking. A lot. As a child I was always scared of my dad when he was drunk. Not because he was physically abusive to us or anything, but because he was a different person when he was drinking. I didn’t feel secure him. He would act strange.


Sometimes he would act over-the-top-silly. Sometimes he would yell. Sometimes he would say mean things. Often times he would simply pass out. In other words, he would act drunk. I didn’t know much about what it meant to be drunk as a kid, all I knew is that when my father was, he was a different person, and that person scared me. Sadly, my dad was that different person most of the time. He had no idea how to handle alcohol. Alcohol is a deadly weapon.


Fathers, you don’t ever, EVER want your children to be scared of you. And being drunk with alcohol is one sure fire way to do just that. It’s not worth it.
Trust me.


9. And The Most Important Item On This Entire List: Teach Your Children About God.


This one really combines all of the points above into one. My friend Reggie Joiner often reminds people that from the day your child is born you only have 936 weeks with them before they graduate high school.
That’s it.


After our children graduate high school and (hopefully) go on to college our influence in their life decreases drastically. That’s why it’s so import for us to use those 936 weeks to teach them all we can about God; who He is, what He was done for them, how they can know Him, and how He desires for them to make a difference in the world with their life. When these 936 weeks are done, they’re done. There’s no such thing as a parenting time machine. You can’t go back and teach your adult child what you wish you would have taught them when they were a child.


These 936 weeks are all we have.
Let’s make them count.


“When we understand how much time we have left with our kids, we begin to make what matters, matter more.” – Reggie Joiner


It’s Never To Late To Start Becoming A “Good Dad” Being a good dad isn’t easy. It isn’t autonomous. It takes work. Every day I have to make a conscious effort to be a “good dad.” To put my desires aside for those of my son and wife. Some days I blow it (just ask my wife) other days I feel like I did a pretty good job. Thankfully God is always at work helping become the kind of dad he designed me to be, a good dad.


If you’re reading this and you haven’t been a “good dad” please know that it isn’t to late. Today’s the day to tell your children (and your wife) you’re sorry for not being a “good dad” and that you’re ready to make a change.
To do things different.
To do things the right way.

Get involved in a good Bible teaching church where you can learn God’s Word, and be around other dads striving to be a “good dad” as well. Spend time reading God’s Word (again, this is great tool to help you do that) and praying that God would help transform you into the sort of dad whose children’s love to be around.


He can do it. He’s in the business of
changing lives…I’m living proof.

Originally written by Jack Smith of Noahsdad.com



Your views and thoughts are most welcome...