THE UNSEXY THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

THE UNSEXY THINGS TO TALK ABOUT BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

Over the course of my years as a therapist, I have interviewed thousands of people and one continuous theme is problematic relationships. I have seen couples of various stripes and hues arrive at my door, some just starting to show signs of strain, some on life support and some dead on arrival.

Often I can hear couples bickering in my waiting room; their initial attempts to keep their voices low failing as the volume steadily increase. I open the door and the white-hot tension of their anger smacks me in the face.

What are the elements of a good relationship?

I would love to come up with some sexy, pithy top ten lists of easy steps. Doing so could surely garner me a viral social media response. However, my personal and professional experience tells me it takes steady, hard work to start, forge, and maintain a good marriage.

Choose Wisely and Go Slowly

I half-jokingly tell people I will write a book on marriage containing only two words but all the wisdom you would ever need to know: Choose wisely! I met my first wife at keg party and she came home with me that night. For a time we were inseparable and in love. We got married two years after that, spent a miserable year together, separated, and bitterly divorced.

My second marriage was much more cautiously entered into. We both had children from our failed marriages. There was also a sense of wanting to do things right. In those days, post-divorce and post-addiction, I felt very unsure of myself, relying on my therapist to guide me. She had a radical notion that I should delay any deep involvement, sexual or otherwise, as long as possible. The overarching idea being: don’t commit until you’re sure.

First we dated and as we dated, we talked. We came to know each other well. Our emotions deepened as our knowledge of one another increased and a foundation of trust was built. Coming together slowly gave the relationship traction and gave us the opportunity to plan a future.

Plan, Discuss and Create a Vision for Your Future. Repeat.

Welcome to the really unsexy part.

For a moment, think of your relationship as a business. You and your partner are the CEOs:

• What is the mission of your marriage?
• What are your goals?
• What is your vision for one, three, five and ten years out? Are you on the same page?
• Once you’ve agreed on your goals what is the division of labor going to be?
• How will you manage money and finances?
• Is parenting on the table? Talk about your values and expectations of one another as parents.

NOTE: If you don’t have stated goals and an understanding for how you’re going to accomplish them, you’re bound for trouble.

Acknowledge and Address Red Flags. You might need to walk away.

• Looking back on the first marriage from where I sit today, it’s no mystery why it failed. Alcohol and drugs were a major factor. It’s something my clients often grapple with and lose to. Don’t get entangled with someone who uses alcohol or drugs.
• Be wary of other unhealthy behaviors or patterns you see. If you think he/she has a problem, then listen to your gut and until they get help, steer clear.
• If something is bothering you about the other person pay attention to what you’re feeling (trust your instincts!) and find a way to discuss it.

If the other person can’t/won’t discuss the problem with you, you may need to move on. If you don’t address issues together now, it will only spell big trouble down the road.

Relationships can make a huge difference in our lives. Partnerships can lighten our burdens logistically, financially, emotionally and spiritually. Intimacy with others is one of our most basic needs and avenues of healing.

However, my experience tells me what happens if we don’t stop and really look before we leap. We stare down the end of another failed relationship. It’s not pithy, sexy, or fun but it is the hard truth about what determines a relationship’s success or failure.

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