HOW TO FIND AND KEEP A GIRL-FRIEND ... Part 2

Part 2: Advice for finding a girlfriend

 My relationship with my wife predates the advent of the Internet, so I’m talking about old-fashioned face-to-face interactions here. —But looks in perspective.

 

 

There is a lot more to a woman than how she looks. She could be a runway model, but if her personality makes you grind your teeth, it won’t last even a little while. I’m not saying you should chase women who you don’t find visually appealing, but understand that the vast majority of the population doesn’t fit into that mold you see on the cover of magazines. Real women look like real women. Even cover models are well-lit, made-up, and Photoshopped to hell and back. And besides, are you a young Brad Pitt? If you were, would you be reading this? 

 

You need to find someone you can have a conversation with; someone who makes you think: This person is cool. I like this person. I want to spend time with this person. You want to find a woman who, the more time you spend with her, the better looking she becomes. —Be your (best) self The guy I am when I’m hanging out with my male friends isn’t really the guy I am most of the time. We’re talking trash and saying some seriously raunchy stuff. You know, locker room guy talk. That’s just letting the Y chromosome run loose for a while. When you meet a woman for the first time, you can’t pretend to be a person you’re not in an effort to impress her. She might buy it for a little while, but the long-term potential is doomed. You have to be yourself, but be your best self. Be the man you really aspire to be more like. Basically, behave. Be a gentleman. Be a little nicer than usual. Be your “helping the elderly lady with her groceries” self rather than the “I’m on my fifth beer and watching football with the guys” self.

 

Women understand you have multiple personalities. The old- woman-helping personality is probably more the true you than you realize. She realizes it, and appreciates it, and probably doesn’t mind the asshole version of you that you pretend to be around your friends as long as she doesn’t need to be subjected to it all the time. She understands it’s basic male- posturing bullshit that we’re all prone to. What I’m saying is, skip all that alpha male crap and just be the polite and kind version of you.

 

Where to meet them Absolutely anywhere. Don’t ever feel like you have to go to a place where alcohol is served. You could be waiting in a line, waiting for a bus, in an elevator, at a bookstore, buying groceries, at the gym, in a park, in a coffee shop, out for a walk. Anywhere women are present is an acceptable place to meet them (But I think religious setting is more perfect for Long-lasting relationship).

 

You can strike up a conversation and see where it goes. —Avoid the disinterested If she has her headphones on and her nose buried in a book, this is a signal that she’d rather not be disturbed. Leave her alone. Depending on the circumstances, you don’t necessarily need to wait for a “come hither” look, but if someone seems at least open to a friendly chat, take a shot.

 

Here is my advice on taking such shots:

 

1. Observations work, pickup lines don’t Women often say that, “Hello, my name is …” is the best form of an introduction, and I’ve never heard one who says they like a pickup line. However, you can show some creativity that sets you apart by making a witty or insightful comment. Although I am 100% dedicated to my wife, I still do talk to other women. Not long ago my son was taking his learner’s license exam. A woman sat next to me while her daughter was taking the same exam. We were both on our iPhones doing … nothing important. I said, “You know, in the days before smart phones we might actually have been forced to talk to one another.” She chuckled, per her phone down, and said, “What do you want to talk about?” And so we chatted for the next 20 minutes. All it took was a somewhat witty observation about what was happening right then. It poked fun at something that we were both well aware of. Most importantly, there was nothing sexual about it.

 

In my (married) case, I’d never do that anyway, but in your case it’s equally important to make these introductory observations completely innocent. If something strikes you at the spur of the moment as an interesting and potentially witty observation, then it’s a good icebreaker. If you’re good at it then it can work even better than the “Hello, my name is …” route because the latter’s more formal nature can imply your intentions outright, which can be awkward if she’s not interested or in a relationship, whereas the witty observation can be interpreted as simply making conversation. It lowers the risk, and allows you to bail a lot easier if you feel the conversation isn’t going well.

 

Remember, choose silly over sexual with an icebreaker. You could be waiting at a bus stop, and it’s pouring rain. You are standing near a woman you find attractive. You could say something like: “I have to remember to water the lawn when I get home.” Or, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen anyone sing in the rain before.” Whatever happens after that second one, don’t start serenading her.

 

2. Be ready to cease and desist Maybe you thought you saw an opening, and maybe you were wrong. Read her reactions to your approach. If she’s not interested, she’ll give you clues. Watch for them. If you receive such clues, back away. If she’s not positively engaging with you then it’s not going anywhere. But if it does start going somewhere …

 

3. Actually listen to what she has to say Don’t view her talking as the mandatory period of time you need to sporadically wait until you get to talk about yourself again. Actually listen to what she has to say and process it with your brain rather than just thinking with the much smaller, stupider brain between your legs. Beyond just being respectful, it gives you key insights into her personality, which will let you know if this is someone you may actually wish to date for an extended period of time.

 

4. Compliment her on things other than her looks I interviewed a number of women about how they like to be approached in the gym, and the consensus is that they don’t appreciate being appreciated solely for their looks. From my article: Jen much prefers a compliment on her strength as opposed to her shape. “A workout-related compliment would totally work for me,” Kris says. Michelle says, “I do tons of squats to keep my ass defying gravity, but a comment about that is not appreciated. You can save it for when we know each other better.” Feel free to compliment a women on her technique, effort or strength, but, as Michelle says, save the compliments about her physique for when you know her better. Outside the gym it’s the same deal. It you find an opportunity to give her a sincere compliment about something other than her looks because you are legitimately impressed, and not just looking to get into her pants, then that’s okay.

 

5. You don’t need to act interested in her; you need to BE interested Remember, we’re talking about girlfriend material here. Not one night stand. A relationship is an investment of time, emotion and even love that goes way beyond sex. Find someone you find interesting.

 

6. Accept that rejection will happen I know a lot of PUAs preach the numbers game. Hit on a ton of women and some will be interested. Screw that. Be discerning. Engage in conversations with women you find interesting and attractive and see where it goes. But also realize that things could be one-sided. You may like her, but it’s not reciprocated. This does NOT make her a bitch. It makes her a human being deserving of respect. Don’t fall into that “poor me” trap. Women have every right to reject you. Accept it. Learn from it. Find someone you like who won’t reject you, and be happy together.

 

7. Focus on her When you’re talking to her, focus on her. Don’t keep scanning the room for someone better to come along. That’s just rude.

 

8. Tell her what you want Personally, what I think what you should want is to talk to her again, and that you should tell her that. Something along the lines of, “I’d like to call you and talk more. Can I have your phone number?” It’s not a date. You didn’t ask to “see her” again. It’s just a phone number where you can call and chat further and see where that goes. Mind you, that’s the safe way to play it. The night I met my wife I spent about four hours talking to her to the exclusion of all others. I was so enamored it was like the rest of the world ceased to exist, and I could tell that she was interested in me as well – there were hints she gave that even I was able to read – and I asked her out on a proper date that evening. But that was specific to the circumstances. Don’t feel the need to rush. Speaking of which …

 

9. Don’t feel the need to rush Every woman is different. There is no such thing as a “three date rule” about sex. I know a woman who took a guy home from a bar she’d met that night, and he never left. They were together for ten years and had two kids. Other people take longer before they’re interested in having sex. Progress can be slow, but as long as you feel as though your relationship is progressing at a rate you’re comfortable with, no outside influences on “closing escrow” or other male-locker-room-bullshit terminology should matter one bit. If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. And if it doesn’t happen, you need to accept that. You know what I’m talking about. Be a good man, not a bad man.

 

10. Don’t feel the need to follow traditional dating rules Just ask to hang out with her and do fun stuff with her. Go out and live some life together. It doesn’t have to be all fancy dinners and movies, although sometimes that’s good too. Other times, it’s just hanging out.

 

11. Cook for her It worked for me.

 

12. Talk about where things are going You don’t want to weird her out by doing this too soon, but it’s worth talking about your relationship to find out at least an idea of where it’s going and what she wants to see if it’s in line with what you want. Again, not talking marriage and minivan here, but perhaps having a discussion about things like exclusivity and a desire to get closer could be valuable.

 

13. Don’t be a whiner Women like confidence, but that doesn’t necessarily manifest the way you might think. This doesn’t mean you act like I’m confident I can get you to take your pants off, because her reaction to that may likely be, I’m confident that you will NEVER see me naked. Instead, they prefer men who can handle the trials and tribulations that affect every life with a minimum of fuss. They don’t want a guy they have to babysit, but someone who can get excrement done and fix their own problems with a positive attitude rather than a defeatist who mopes about how life isn’t fair. You’re right. Life isn’t fair. Deal with it.

 

 

 

 

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HOW TO FIND AND KEEP A GIRL-FRIEND ... Part 1

STAY MONOGAMY!

 

Life is not an Axe body spray commercial.

Sex sells, and what is often sold to young men is the concept of banging every hot woman in his area code. Use this hair gel, follow these pick-up tactics, spray this noxious scent and you’ll have scantily-clad females chasing you down like it’s a foxhunt. Thanks to evolution via natural selection, sex is a motivating force.

 

As a fitness writer, I know that the desire to fornicate motivates some men to quest for six-pack abs, as if a rippling midsection miraculously causes women to drop their pants and commence ovulating. But I took a survey, which showed that doesn’t actually happen. I don’t care how many partners you’ve had, or want to have. There are plenty of products that promise to transform you into a ladies man, but I’d like to propose an alternative; a more realistic one; an alternative that could possibly make you a happier man, a better man. If you’ve wasted time reading the creepy-rapey-misogynistic bullshit spouted by self-proclaimed pick-up artists (PUAs) to get laid, then you know that this is the exact opposite of that kind of advice. To quote a light-saber wielding little green puppet: “You must unlearn what you have learned.” And one quick note—as a man who is married to a woman, I can only speak from that perspective. But this article is not intended to exclude anybody, regardless of gender or orientation.

 

 

Part One: The case for one woman instead of many

 

The Internet is rife with methods for getting laid. PUAs have all sorts of ridiculous methods and games that promise to provide you with a new sexual conquest every night. Just insult her, act aloof, wear a fuzzy hat and treat your female encounters like hostage negotiations — where what you’re negotiating over is the release of her panties…or something. You’ll be awash in more ladies than your body can possibly tolerate. I know precisely diddly squat about picking up women for a one-nighter. I mean, I managed to do it once or twice a very long time ago, so I know what it’s like, but I’m not even sure how I did it. What I’d like to do first is convince you of why you may be better off with being dedicated to one woman than trying (and you probably failing) to have sex with many. First off, guys in Marriage relationships get more sex than single unmarried men do. Check out this chart from the Kinsey Institute , which shows that married guys are far more likely to be engaging in regular sex than single dudes. It’s the single fellas who regularly go more than a year without sex.

 

Anecdotally, I’ve spoken with many single friends over the years who lament the infrequency of their fornication. I’ve been with the same woman 24 years, and I have a happy and regular sex life (and that’s all I’ll share on that subject). Look at the Kinsey chart again. Married people do have sex, no matter what comedians and sitcoms tell you. I would venture that even guys who are supposedly good at the pick-up game don’t get as much sex as guys who are good at relationships. I’ve spoken with both a well-known PUA, as well as a friend who was justso charming and good-looking that women seemed to flock to him, and I still averaged at least as much sex as the former and more than the latter. The second eventually decided “to hell with being single”, got married to a nice woman, and has a couple of kids now. The first, as far as I know, is still incapable of having a lasting relationship. He told me he wished he had what I did.

 

But the single guys get to have sex with several women, while the balled-and-chained ones only get to have it with one. That sucks! Says who? Why is it that sex with many is better than with one? First off, let’s question those words “many” and “several” by taking another look at the Kinsey chart. Do you actually know real-live men who have had tremendous and high frequency sex using these PUA tactics to “score copious vagina”? And second, what can you learn about a person in one night? Sexual encounters, if you’re a caring and unselfish lover who is capable of, you know, learning, get better over time with another person as you figure each other out.

 

You get even more comfortable with each other. You learn what the other person likes and dislikes. A lot of stress is removed and you can jump into it in seconds and start going at it like bonobos on IV Viagra just because it’s a day that ends in “Y.” Third, and this is a really big one, NO CONDOMS! Well, if you do all the background checks with both of you coming up clean, and have a reliable alternative form of birth control going on, and are monogamous, then you get to ride bareback, and that’s awesome.

 

And finally, being in love is also awesome. It can make you a better person. That whole “ball and chain” bullshit is is just that. Bull and shit. Every time I look at my wife – the person who has been my very best friend for more than two decades – I think of how lucky I am to have her in my life. I know that no matter what happens, she has my back. I could get sick, injured, poor … and as long as I stayed loyal and decent she wouldn’t leave my side. She’d help me through it. Would some one-night stand you met at the bar do that?

 

So, let’s recap why one woman > many women (at least for me): The whole “many” part is likely an exaggeration. More sex. Probably way more if you’re a good boyfriend. The sex gets better as you learn more about each other. No condoms! Holy freaking yay and hooray! New best friend who likes being naked with you and makes more than just your penis feel good. Not all women are awesome, but a lot are. If you’re just a young guy don’t fear that I’m talking about marriage and mortgages and multiplying and minivans here. This is just about finding one woman you can be with for more than a weekend, and then you’ll see where it goes from there

 

 

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THE PLACE CALLED HOME: THE TRUE LOVE STORY OF SCOTT SONNON.

The night I met my future wife, a gun had been held to my head. Friends of hers had invited her to a party at my college apartment, hosted by my roommates. From my training, I unconsciously snatched the weapon from the gunman’s hand, yelling for him and his henchmen to leave. As they cautiously backed out the door hands held high, I threw the handgun out after them, and slammed the door, yelling, “And don’t come back!”

 

Turning around, my friends screamed, “Why did you throw the gun back to them???” I hadn’t even recognized that I had taken it from him, much less thrown it back at him. My body started to uncontrollably shake, and my friends pulled me the back room to hide my near-catatonic body and call the police.

 

Fortunately, my future wife had already left my apartment, and I didn’t officially meet her for another two years, in 1994, when she had signed up for my martial art school. She quickly excelled and became a national champion Sambo fighter within a year. Her technique was magical. It was hard for me to not be distracted by the messenger of that movement. We had an unstated magnetism between us. But as a policy I avoided romantic relationships as they’re unfair between “coach” and “athlete.”

 

So two years after she had begun, she walked into my office departing for university on the opposite side of the country. Slamming her fist on my desk she asked, “So that’s IT? You have nothing to say to me?” I replied that I couldn’t as it would be dishonorable to even utter; I had already felt conflicted about my unvoiced feelings. She turned and stormed out of the school.

 

For the six years that followed, she didn’t speak to me: angry and hurt that I had withheld my feelings toward her. I regretted my decision month after month. But departing for Russia, I became consumed with my studies there, as she similarly immersed herself at her university. One distant Christmas evening mass, I saw her walking through the pews. She floated by me, not recognizing my long hair and beard, as I had recently returned from the cold, Russian winter.

 

Instantly standing, I had dashed after her, but she had been nowhere to be found. In the days that followed, I tried to find her, but her rightfully-protective mother had refused to disclose her phone number or email; though I finally convinced her to at least convey mine to her. An email appeared in my inbox, succinctly asking what I had wanted. So, I explained that I had hoped to buy her a ticket to fly back and go out on a date with me. She didn’t answer for a week, but later reluctantly agreed. Sending her the ticket, I received a check in the mail from her parents for the price of the flight which read: “…so our daughter does not feel obligated.”

 

Our date felt awkward and fumbling, confusing and uncomfortable, and had totally confirmed my suspicion that I had been in love with her for the many years since I had met her. She disclosed that I had hurt her greatly, yet her life was finally where she had wanted it, and that she hadn’t wanted major upheaval again. She flew home, and I hadn’t known if she had ever wanted to see me again. She had given me a letter and had made me promise to not open it until she departed. As the tires lifted off the tarmac, I opened it. In it she told me everything, from the beginning of our story together… And had disclosed her true feelings. She had loved me as well, but feared my tendency to abruptly change when I had felt so inclined. She did not want to be hurt again.

 

The next week, I packed my car, closed all of my accounts, and found an apartment on her side of the country. (Perhaps validating her concern about my abruptness!) In two and a half days of crazy 15 hour sprints, I had arrived on the West Coast. Rather than drive to my new apartment, I drove straight to her at work. She was shocked: of course if I could do something so rash as to move across the country to date her, couldn’t I then make a reckless decision and abruptly end our blossoming relationship?

 

Although it appears from the radical nature of my life’s choices that I make decisions in haste, my mother had taught me:

 

1. When you believe in something, you must be willing to sacrifice everything to pursue it.

2. If it doesn’t work out, trying to force it will bring you great suffering and failure.

3. Knowing the difference between 1 and 2 is the hardest thing in life.

 

“I always wondered why birds stay in the same place when they could choose to fly anywhere on the Earth, but then I ask myself the same question,”

wrote an unknown author.

 

The hardships of my early life opened the cage to travel anywhere passion had compelled me. Fortunately, those childhood challenges drove me directly into the arms of my best friend and love of my life. Building trust in a relationship takes time, especially when you’re facing the chaotic events of adolescence and in the unsteady beginning of your career. We both believed in our relationship, and were passionate enough to commit to a life together. Very difficult trials would lie ahead for us individually and as a couple. But like a gemstone is not polished without rubbing, a relationship is not grown without commitment to the other’s individual growth and fulfillment… especially when you could, rather, focus all your efforts to shining.. alone.

 

A life without her would lack luster, no matter the efforts I had made to polish it. So, I left the cage of my prior security, and adventured out to find her, to earn her trust, and to spend the last of my days together loving her. Birds don’t choose to stay in one place because they’re afraid to fly away. They stay, because they’re home. Wherever my beautiful bride, and the exuberant little cherubs we’ve created together, live… There, I am home.

 

Often, the most difficult choices are between the sane arguments of our mind and and the crazed intuitions of our heart. As a man of reason, formally schooled in logic and rationality, I’ve come to learn… No matter how much it may seem stressful, choose heart. Your mind will create every convincing excuse for you to not follow your heart, under the illusions of some stress free fantasy, but sometimes, only those crazed foolish dreams are sane.

 

Fortunately for me, she said, “Yes.”

 

Very Respectfully, Scott Sonnon

 

 

 

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A FATHER'S LETTER TO HIS DAUGHTER FROM THE COSMESTIC AISLE

Dear Little One,

As I write this, I’m sitting in the makeup aisle of our local Target store. A friend recently texted me from a different makeup aisle and told me it felt like one of the most oppressive places in the world. I wanted to find out what he meant. And now that I’m sitting here, I’m beginning to agree with him.

Words have power, and the words on display in this aisle have a deep power. Words and phrases like:

Affordably gorgeous,

Infallible,

Flawless finish,

Brilliant strength,

Liquid power,

Go nude,

Age-defying,

Instant age rewind,

Choose your dream,

Nearly naked, and

Natural beauty.

 When you have a daughter, you start to realize she’s just as strong as everyone else in the house — a force to be reckoned with, a soul on fire with the same life and gifts and passions as any man. But sitting in this store aisle, you also begin to realize most people won’t see her that way. They’ll see her as a pretty face and a body to enjoy. And they’ll tell her she has to look a certain way to have any worth or influence. But words do have power and maybe, just maybe, the words of a father can begin to compete with the words of the world. Maybe a father’s words can deliver his daughter through this gauntlet of institutionalized shame and into a deep, unshakeable sense of her own worthiness and beauty.

A father’s words aren’t different words, but they are words with a radically different meaning:

Brilliant strength. May your strength be not in your fingernails but in your heart. May you discern in your center who you are, and then may you fearfully but tenaciously live it out in the world. Choose your dream. But not from a department store shelf. Find the still-quiet place within you. A real dream has been planted there. Discover what you want to do in the world. And when you have chosen, may you faithfully pursue it, with integrity and with hope.

 

Naked. The world wants you to take your clothes off. Please keep them on. But take your gloves off. Pull no punches. Say what is in your heart. Be vulnerable. Embrace risk. Love a world that barely knows what it means to love itself. Do so nakedly. Openly. With abandon.

Infallible. May you be constantly, infallibly aware that infallibility doesn’t exist. It’s an illusion created by people interested in your wallet. If you choose to seek perfection, may it be in an infallible grace – for yourself, and for everyone around you.

Age-defying. Your skin will wrinkle and your youth will fade, but your soul is ageless. It will always know how to play and how to enjoy and how to revel in this one-chance life. May you always defiantly resist the aging of your spirit.

Flawless finish. Your finish has nothing to do with how your face looks today and everything to do with how your life looks on your last day. May your years be a preparation for that day.

May you be aged by grace, may you grow in wisdom and may your love become big enough to embrace all people. May your flawless finish be a peaceful embrace of the end and the unknown that follows, and may it thus be a gift to everyone who cherishes you.

Little One, you love everything pink and frilly and I will surely understand if someday makeup is important to you. But I pray three words will remain more important to you — the last three words you say every night, when I ask the question: “Where are you the most beautiful?” Three words so bright no concealer can cover them.

Where are you the most beautiful? On the inside. 

From my heart to yours,
Daddy


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8 THINGS THAT HAPPY COUPLES DON'T DO

Sometimes, building a solid healthy relationship isn’t just about what partners do, but what they don’t do. 

Here are 8 things that you won’t find in the habits of happy couples.

Discourage each other. Two people who love and care for each other would never attempt to discourage their partner or hold them back in life. They encourage and support each other when it comes to chasing after goals and dreams. Holding someone else back while in a relationship will only lead to resentment in the long run — ironically, loosening your grip often keeps someone closer.

Play mind games. Even something as simple as “how long do I wait before I call?” goes out the window when you’re with the right person who is mature and understands you. Call when you want to call, text when you want to text. There will be no games or manipulation when building a solid foundation for a relationship.

Doubt each Other’s feelings. In a happy relationship, both partners know how much they mean to each other. Open communication and affection are important to minimizing insecurities and doubts. Stop trying. You know you’ve found a quality partner when they keep showing you how much you mean to them… long after they’ve got you.

Brush issues under the rug. No relationship is sunshine and rainbows all the time, but the challenges you face together are what make you stronger, both as individuals and as a couple. No problem can be extinguished unless it is faced, and couples who care for each other will be mature enough to have mature discussions and reach a conclusion. When feelings are hidden, the other partner won’t know what they need to do or change in order to keep the other happy, so nothing will improve.

Snoop around. One of the key ingredients to a happy relationship is trust, and people who trust each other don’t invade each others’ privacy by snooping around. There should be no need for a password protected phone or deleting your Facebook chat history. Trusting couples should be open books to one another and will have no use for being sneaky.

Dig up the past. We all have a past that has shaped us into who we are today. Some experiences for better, and others for worse. Happy, mature couples understand that about each other and don’t use each others’ pasts as ammunition in arguments or to start issues.

Let things get stale. Both inside and outside of the bedroom, it’s important that neither partner gets bored or feels as though things are getting stale. Often times intimacy in the bedroom is actually built outside of it through romantic gestures, showing of appreciation and affection, and always letting your partner know how much they mean to you.

Happiness in relationships is built on communication, trust, loyalty, and mutual respect. These are some of the cornerstones of love — without one, the other cannot exist.

Written by James Michael Sama

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