A POEM: VANITY FAIR

I CAME ACROSS THIS WONDERFUL POEM THROUGH JUSTPURPOSE BLOG AND I THINK IT WORTH SHARING!

Written by Abobarin Ikeoluwa who has graciously permitted me to share it on this platform.

VANITY!

 Close your legs mum says

Preserve your body she prays

Premarital sex can be safe they lie

Believing the lies they die.

He will marry you in the end they teach

Please wait till then I preach.

Condoms can prevent sexually transmitted diseases

Its no barrier for the spiritually sexually transmitted diseases.

I know you can abort the baby

Not even soaking garri in Jik and Harpic can abort the guilt.

Yeah those drugs can prevent pregnancy

Sweetheart mi, they can’t prevent shattered glory!

You jump from Kate to Kim and you think you are a player

Honey please stop making yourself a loser.

You think it’s a joke? Ask Solomon the importer and exporter of “hot babes”

He will tell you all is VANITY!

Your views are most welcome...

I LOVE YOU... WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

WHAT DOES "I LOVE YOU" REALLY MEANS?

This was the question that came to my mind after I said the three letter word to one of my female friends after an intimate discussion but her reply, "thank you" got me thinking. Her reply hit me hard, then I question what should have been her response or reply? Thinking of other numerous responses I have gotten from other people with the same statement, launch me into trying to find out what exactly does "I LOVE YOU" mean!

 

From Yahoo Answers and other online site and Dictionaries, "I love you" is a declaration of Strong Affection; An affirmation of affection or deep caring Esp. to a family member; An affirmation of romantic feeling to a lover or spouse; A platonic expression of strong inclination or liking to a friend. In all what I can deduce is that it gives me the kind of relationship it could be use in (Family, friendship, love/marriage) and majorly the meaning of the phrase in all of the relationships is not EXACTLY the same! This account for the mixing and missing of its true and exact meaning each time it is said! Little wonder someone said the phrase "I love you" had been misused to the point that it has no meaning anymore! And I know a lot of people especially ladies believe that to be true.

 

But get this fact... The phrase meaning depend on the CONTEXT of the relationship; that it has lost its mean is not true but that both the speaker and the hearer might misread the intention.

 

Also, "I LOVE YOU" can mean something different each time it is said even by the same person! Get this, "I love you" is full of agendas, the agendum might be:

"I need you,"

"I want you,"

"I own you"

"Agree with me please" or "Now say you love me too."

 To some people through experience, their partner saying "I love you" to them have come to means "I want sex" or "I need some money!"

 My understanding now is that different people uses the phrase in ambiguous way and manner in their various relationships... to their family members, friends and even their spouses.

 

Conclusively, "I LOVE YOU" haven't lost it magic but both the speaker and hearer need to be more precise in its usage. Getting clear on what you really mean will help you to be a truly loving presence in your relationships. The people you love will feel free and even more loved by you because your intention to love is conscious and clear.

 

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE REAL MEANING OF "I LOVE YOU" IS NOT FOUND IN THE WORDS THEMSELVES, BUT IN THE INTENTION BEHIND THEM!

 

Parent, friends and lover note this... Never again leave you child(ren), friends and partner in the dark again... When you love tell them and when they trigger the love let them know what they have done to trigger you to saying it. And If you are the recipient of such outburst... Stop assuming if you are not clear... Seek clarification.

 

"I LOVE YOU" IS NEVER A COMPLIMENT BUT A DECLARATION OF AFFECTION!

 

P.S. For lovers "I love you" is much more different from "I'm in love with you"... Chose your words wisely!

#Love #I_love_you

 #I_am_in_love_with_you

#oluthomas

#oluthomas_sharing_the_love

Your views are most welcome...

THREE KEY POINTS TO RAISING CONFIDENT CHILDREN

We all know people who are secure with themselves and confident. We all know people who are insecure and lack self-confidence. The secure and confident people tend to have an easier time with the world around them. In his Hierarchy of Needs, Abraham Maslow outlines that insecurity and a lack of self- confidence may prevent us from: Developing healthy relationships Developing the esteem needed to achieve the life we desire Discover our purpose and passions I’m certainly not a perfect man or father, but trust me, you want your kids to be confident. Their lives will be easier and so will yours. If you are a parent and you view your role and responsibilities similar to me, what I’m about to share should add value. If you are a parent that has never made confidence a result you’ve committed to, you should. As I mentioned above; it will make your life easier.

 

To have confidence, our children must have security and stability. It’s hard to maintain a healthy and positive attitude and be all that you can be when you are in survival mode. One way we can give them security and stability is through the culture of our homes. Business leaders are responsible for the culture in their workplace. Athletic coaches are responsible for the culture within their teams. And as the leader of your family, you are responsible for the culture of your home. Here are three things you must have present in your home to create the stability to allow your child’s confidence to grow. Oh, and to keep your sanity! 1. Clear Roles 2. Clear Goals 3. Clear Expectations

 

1. Clear Roles Clear roles is pretty simple concept. You are the parent and they are the child. Not you are the friend and they are the friend. Or more like, you are the friend that is only treated with respect when they get their way. You are the parent and they are the child. This means you run the show, create the culture, set the rules, and enforce the rules. When the rules are followed, there must be acknowledgement and appreciation. When the rules aren’t followed, there must be consistent consequences. YOU RUN THE SHOW! That is your role. That is not their role. They are the child. If you set no boundaries, your children will see no boundaries and you’re going to have your hands full with a kid who thinks they are in charge and loses their mind when they are not. Now before I paint a picture that I am some communistic dictator, love has to be the foundation. I have an informal rule in my head that I need to love my kids twice as much as I have to discipline them. If you rule your home with an iron fist, your kids might listen out of fear or your perceived power, but they won’t trust you. When love is the foundation, they might not always like you, but they will trust and respect you. This will create all kinds of healthy emotional leverage that will work in everyone’s favor.

 

2. Clear Goals The best way to guide your children to stay on course is to talk to them about the clear destination or desired outcome. Proactively talk to them about what results you need to see and explain why it is good for them. Mentally and emotionally connect them to the end result and give them some freedom to figure out how they are going to achieve it. Help them set clear goals for themselves. Sure they are going to do stupid things and make mistakes along the way, but every stupid thing and mistake they make is an opportunity to BE THE PARENT and reconnect them to the CLEAR GOAL, yours or theirs. The line I came to use often with my daughter was “My goal is that you reach 18 with confidence and a good head on your shoulders.” We even got to the point where all I would have to say is “What’s my job?” and she would immediately roll her eyes at me and in her sarcastic voice “to guide me in the right direction so I’m confident”. With my son, even at six I say to him “Buddy, my job is to help you be a good boy, so you will grow up to be a good man.”

 

3. Clear Expectations Clear expectations are like clear goals, but different. Clear goals are about desired outcomes and clear expectations are about what kind of people they need to be to achieve the desired outcomes. What are their values? What are their standards? How do they need to show up? These clear expectations became the hierarchy of rules in our home as outlined in the picture on the right, which hangs in the kids’ rooms. If they want to enjoy the “LET’S HAVE FUN!”, the previous five expectations have to be met in some reasonable fashion. Remember, the end result is that your kids are confident. Confident people see and react to the world differently. They see things more productively and will handle life’s adversities better.

 

 

By establishing clear roles, clear goals, and clear expectations you are creating a culture within your home of love and stability. They know they are the child and you are the parent. They understand what the goals are and why they are important. They understand how they need to do things and show up to be successful.

 

Your views are most welcome...

ONE GOOD THING YOU ARE DOING TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT MIGHT NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 PEACE AT ALL COST!

 

Most of us try hard in our intimate relationships. We work at them. We want our partners to be happy and the benefits that come with that. And when we’ve found something—and someone—good, we don’t want to lose it and have to start over. So we soldier on. We struggle on the uphills, hoping to rest on the next plateau. We muddle through the dark periods until, often inexplicably, the light shines again. And we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard, while often silently resenting our partner for not trying hard enough, for not meeting us at least halfway. “If only he or she would … ” At least, that’s the way we see it; that’s the narrative we convince ourselves is truth. But what’s really happening is something different.

 

What’s really happening is we’re the ones fucking up. Consider this: Most relationships don’t suffer and break down from lack of effort; they suffer and break down from misdirected effort. Most relationships don’t disintegrate from either partner’s bad intentions; they disintegrate from good intentions that bring bad outcomes. One of the good things that is not always good for relationship is PRESERVING PEACE AT ANY PRICE. Stop preserving peace at any price.

 

We have two natural instincts when faced with anger—fight or flight, attack or retreat. Most of us don’t like fighting, though in some relationships constant fighting actually substitutes for a lack of real intimacy. But most of the time, we try to avoid confrontation, either by stifling our feelings or simply giving in to our partner’s demands. The first response is emotional suicide. The second is called appeasement. You give a little more and a little more and a little more of your "territory" to preserve peace. And with each successive slice you "cede", your resentment grows larger. You convince yourself that you’re being compassionate and understanding, that relationships are about compromise and accommodation, that we have to pick our battles, and that this one just isn’t worth it. But your losses keep accumulating.

 

What’s really happening is that you’re training your partner to disregard your boundaries, because you’ve made them permeable and irrelevant. It’s unlikely (except in abusive situations) that your partner wants to make you unhappy. But if you don’t complain, your unhappiness, which remains unspoken, isn’t an issue.

 

 

 

Speak up for what you care about. Say no if you don’t like it. Know your deal-breakers, and never give in on them. Strong boundaries for both partners make your relationship stronger, not weaker, because there’s less trampling all around. A peace purchased with self-sacrifice is not a peace at all. It’s the slow death of the soul masquerading as tranquility. BEWARE... WATCH IT!!!

If you don't agree kindly air your view through the comment box below...

3 WAYS YOUR PARTNER CAN SHOW THEY LOVE YOU

3 WAYS YOUR PARTNER CAN SHOW THEY LOVE YOU

It’s interesting to sit in a couple’s therapy session and witness how love can make a lot of us feel completely out of control.  I see couples fight furiously and notice how each partner is completely oblivious to the fact that it’s not the money or the child that’s the issue.  What they are really fighting about involves three very simple questions, “Do you love me?  Will you stay with me?  How can I be sure that you won’t hurt me?”  When I witness this in a session I have the wonderful and sometimes energizing opportunity of letting them know that they are fighting for love.

We learn about love very early in life.  Every time an infant cries and a caregiver picks them up to soothe them and tell them they are okay the infant begins to understand that they matter, they are safe, and that love is just a cry away.  Toddlers learn about love when a caregiver allows them to go and explore the world but is also available to them when they return to check in that all is okay.  A securely attached child feels loveable because their environment is safe, predictable, and loving.  That said, it does not always work out that smoothly; those of us whose attachment was lacking, continue to search for that safe, predictable, and loving figure well into adulthood.

On to the three questions:

1) How can I be sure that you won’t hurt me? (PREDICTABILITY)

In the beginning of a relationship couples rarely ask this.  But after that first time our lover fails to return a call or perhaps forgets to ask us how we are doing, we doubt.  This is when your past rears its ugly head.  When we are emotionally hurt, our brain helps by showing us all the other times we have been hurt.   It does this because it wants to protect us from pain.  This is a question about predictability, one of three things needed to securely attach to another.  For the relationship to survive from the constant barrage of defenses against getting hurt, each member of the relationship has to be willing to be as predictable as possible.  Communicate about your schedule, about how many times a week you want to see each other, about how you want the other to show up for you.  This is easier said than done because committing to this means the person asking has to be vulnerable enough to ask and the one receiving the information has to be selfless enough to respond.

2) Will you stay with me? (SAFETY)

When we securely attach as children we feel safety in that the person taking care of us responds to us when we are in need.  In a romantic relationship this is not guaranteed; it is built up through repeated experiences of our lover telling us I am here for you.   Once again the key ingredient for the success of experiencing safety is allowing yourself to be vulnerable to your partner.  I have a secret wish that every marriage ceremony would include this vow, “I vow from this day forward to be vulnerable to you”.  If we could all take a deep breath and dive into the pool of vulnerability with our partners I promise you most relationships would flourish.  However, what often happens when one of the two is asking this question is that they are also pushing or defending the other away by giving them “the list” of how they know they will disappoint them. That said, if your gut is screaming to you not to trust or be vulnerable, listen. Perhaps you are trying to remain in a relationship that is not safe and it’s time to walk away.

3) Do you love me? (LOVING ENVIRONMENT)

This is the trickiest of all three questions.  If your relationship with your parents is difficult, complicated, or non-existent you have been asking this question most of your life and the only person that can give you a satisfying answer is your parent.  It has been my experience that the only way to heal is to mourn the loss of the love we never got as children.  Every time my clients take the journey of grieving the loss/hope of having their parents see and love them, they heal.  Painful, but no relationship can survive one or both of the partners asking the other, “am I loveable?”   It is cliché, but true: if you cannot love yourself first, it is very difficult to experience the love of another.  It gets even more complicated when you take into account how much your past experiences of love influence your present experience.  For example, if your parent was highly critical of your way of being, you may be really uncomfortable with someone who praises you often.  It may seem strange that this person who loves you is always so “nice” to you and you may walk away.  Seems odd, yes, but one more time your brain is to blame.  Early on you learned that if someone loves you they are critical.  So the sweet high praising guy is creepy or too clingy only because he does not match your familial and historic definition of love.

The answer in this area of the loving part of being securely attached is to begin to dissect in yourself how you define being loved.  When you discover the answer, tell your partner.  If you share the definition of love and they are willing to work it out with you or even better if you both work on your love definition together, you can heal your broken attachment.

It seems like a lot of work but it is well worth it. 

Love is a verb. 

It takes action, vulnerability and awareness to maintain it. 

You have been doing it since the day you were born.

Written by Lina Acosta Sandaal 

 



Your views are most welcome...