Bringing Your Girlfriend Home: Tips for a Smooth Introduction

When you met her folks for the first time, your biggest concern was making a good first impression. Now that the roles are reversed, your focus should be on helping her make a good impression. If she’s a keeper, she’ll probably care a lot about your parents liking her. And you likely want them to give her the thumbs up too. Your folks and your significant other may not always get along, but when they do, things sure go a lot more happily.

While bringing your girlfriend home for the first time can be a little awkward and nerve-racking for all parties involved, here are some quick tips for making everyone feel comfortable and helping things go as smoothly as possible.

Be sure you’re really ready to bring her home. In most circumstances, a woman will interpret an invitation to meet your parents as a signal that you think she’s special and your relationship is fairly serious. Your parents will likely interpret the move in the same way. So don’t bring a gal home (especially for a holiday) unless you want to communicate to both parties that you’re hoping she’s going to be around for a while (and you’re okay with your mom asking about her incessantly until you break-up or tie the knot).

Prepare them. You can lay the groundwork for a smooth meeting by preparing both your parents and your girlfriend for what to expect from each other. Here are some things to discuss with your folks about your gal:

• Conversation starters. Everybody wants to avoid awkward pauses as much as possible, and your folks want to get to know your girlfriend better. But the less you’ve told them about her, the harder it is for them to know what to ask in conversation. Give your parents some background information on her that will help them come up with questions. “Rob told us you traveled through Europe for a month last summer. What was your favorite country?”
• Conversations to avoid. You should also let your parents know about sensitive topics it would be best to avoid. “So where do your parents live?” “My dad is dead and my mom is in jail.” “Oh.”
• Dietary preferences/restrictions. If your girlfriend is allergic to peanuts and a vegetarian, you don’t want your mom serving up kung pao chicken for dinner. You may even clue your parents in to a favorite meal or two of your girlfriend’s. Having familiar food in a new environment will help her feel more comfortable.

If your girlfriend is allergic to peanuts and a vegetarian, you don’t want your mom serving up kung pao chicken for dinner.

Prepare her. Just as you did with you parents, go over conversation starters and pitfalls with your girlfriend too. And fill her in about other things as well:

• Family dynamics dossier. Give your girlfriend a primer about the drama and dynamics in your family. Your mom hates your step-mom, your brother is in rehab, your dad has been out of work for six months. Those kinds of things. The more she knows, the less likely she is to inadvertently “step in it.”
• Gift. If your girlfriend would like to bring a gift for your parents, that’s definitely a nice gesture. Give her some suggestions on what would go over well. Does your mom have a favorite flower? Do they love trying new coffees? You don’t want your girlfriend to offer a bottle of wine to your teetotaling parents.
• Common ground she shares with your parents. People like other people who are like them. So let your girlfriend know a thing or two she has in common with your folks that she can bring up with them. “Andrew tells me you’re into gardening. I’ve been trying to dip my toes into it by starting a little windowsill garden in my apartment.”
• Physical affection. Let her know about how your family demonstrates physical affection. Maybe your mom isn’t a hugger and it would be best for your girlfriend to offer a handshake. Or maybe she needs to be prepared for the fact that your mom is going to smooch her right on the lips.
• House rules. Should she take off her shoes when she comes inside? Will your parents expect you to sleep in separate rooms? Do you always say grace before meals? You don’t want your gal to be digging into her meatloaf as everyone else bows their head for a prayer.

Remember to keep looking at the situation from her perspective. When you go back home you’re in your ultimate comfort zone – with people you’ve been around for a couple of decades and in the house you may have grown up in. It’s easy to forget that your girlfriend isn’t feeling the same way you are; to her, everything is new and unfamiliar. It’s a good exercise to think about walking into another person’s house, maybe even her parents’ house, for the first time, and remember the way you felt a little out of place and not so at ease. This will help guide your behavior and remind you to do what you can to make your girlfriend feel comfortable.

Offer her food and drinks. On this first visit, she’s not going to feel comfortable grabbing things out of the fridge and she doesn’t know where stuff like the glasses and utensils are. So take the initiative in offering her refreshments.

Praise her in front of them. It’s not polite for her to bring up her own accomplishments and strong points. But you can, and should. “Sophie is the most amazing cook.” “Grace started a tutoring program for disadvantaged kids that just landed a big grant.” Praising your girlfriend in front of your parents will make her feel really good, and help them see her in a positive light.

Stick by her side as much as possible. This is the most important rule. Maybe you haven’t seen your brother for awhile and you’re tempted to leave your girlfriend in the living room with your parents while you two play video games upstairs. It’s understandable, but in this situation you need to put your girlfriend first. Again, keep in mind that while you feel super comfortable, she doesn’t. Getting left alone with your folks to make small talk can make her feel really anxious and awkward, not to mention abandoned. Hopefully, after a few visits and getting to know them better, she’ll feel a lot more comfortable around them. But on this first visit (and for several thereafter), try to stick by her side as much as possible.

Originally appeared at The Art of Manliness

 Written by Brett and Kate McKay

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HOW TO LOSE A GUY PERMANENTLY!

 

I was talking to a guy installing carpet in a friend’s home the other day. For some reason, he asked my advice on whether or not he should have a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. “She’s hitting the big 4-0, so I don’t know if she wants to celebrate it or ignore it,” he said. That made sense, some people would rather not draw attention to birthdays ending in zeros. So I asked him a simple question, “Is she a positive person? You know, does she usually look on the bright side of things?”

His face immediately lit up as he reached for his phone. “Take a look at her face and you’ll know.” He held up the phone with the beaming photo of his girlfriend, who looked no more than 27, tops. As he showed me her picture, he said the five best words I have ever heard to describe a relationship that is working – at least from a man’s perspective, “She makes every day better.”

It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I’ve heard men talk about relationships and girlfriends, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want, what drives them nuts, and even what hurts them. But, I’ve never heard it put better than those five words.

“She makes every day better.” In all honesty, that is what every man wants. If he is fortunate enough to find a lady who understands that concept and loves him enough to stand by him – as he does with her – to make every day better, then he should move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life with her and prove himself worthy.

It’s too bad though. That kind of love doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days. Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat – or death – of the relationship itself. It’s no longer fashionable to look at romantic relationships as something precious, a beautiful organism that must be cherished if it is to thrive – or even survive – long term.

It’s futile to fight this powerful trend. So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.

#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.

Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.

#2 – Don’t respect him.

Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.

#3 – Don’t like him.

Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.

#4 – Complain about him.

Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.

#5 – Judge him.

If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.

#6 – Don’t trust him.

He’s a guy – don’t trust him – no matter how trustworthy, honest, reliable or loyal he actually proves himself to be. Of course, if he truly can’t or shouldn’t be trusted, leave the jerk. No excuses. You will never have emotional intimacy if there is no chance of mutual trust.

#7 – Blame him.

If you’re divorced, blame him. If your last boyfriend treated you badly, blame him. If you’re children aren’t behaving, blame him. Take all your anger, frustration, fears and insecurities and place them squarely on the doorstep of his life. Whatever negative feelings or experiences you are having, he should be punished for it.

#8 – Stay angry.

He’s a guy. He must have done something wrong. Even if you don’t know what it is, it still pisses you off. You don’t need to know exactly when or what he did whatever it is, he definitely did it. Save time and get angry now. Then, stay angry. . . because there’s no end to the ways he’s messed up with . . . something.

#9 – Don’t be reliable.

Make sure he knows that you are not there for him no matter how badly he may need you. That way he will know never to rely on you for anything. If you are the one person he wants to call when something really bad, or really good, happens don’t be available or interested.

#10 – Don’t get help.

You’ve been through a lot, a lot of pain, a lot that isn’t fair, a lot of horrible stuff that has wounded you. Sometimes you feel broken. Whatever you do, don’t try to effectively heal your wounds in any way. Don’t go to therapy. Don’t apply what you’ve learned in self-help books. Don’t explore faith our spirituality. Don’t ever look back at the injustices done to you or the wrong choices you’ve made and deal with them. Do whatever you can to simply mask the pain or push it down.

#11 – Don’t take responsibility.

Never apologize. Never ever admit that something you have done may have hurt him. Just live as though you are incapable of hurting him, no matter how badly you do. Don’t forget, this relationship is about you and healing your pain. His is irrelevant.

#12 – Don’t take him seriously.

You are the only one who has a right to emotions, troubles, challenges, and heartache. If he exhibits any of these it just means he is weak. You don’t have time to deal with your problems and his. He’s there for you, after all. Not the other way around.

#13 – Don’t support him.

Leave him alone, isolated, and adrift. He’s a man and should be able to handle whatever comes his way by himself. You don’t have time for a man who needs your help. If he needs support, an ally, an advocate, or you as a true friend – maybe even his best friend – then he’s not worth it.

#14 – Don’t forgive him.

Okay, he will eventually screw up for real. We all do. When he does make a mistake use it to validate all the terrible things you’ve been thinking and saying about him. Forgiving him will only teach him that he can just get away with it again. Instead, identify him by his mistakes. And being constantly told what a terrible man he is will certainly make him a better one.

#15 – Don’t learn anything.

After the relationship ends – and if you follow these guidelines, it will – don’t take away anything from it. Simply lay the blame openly on him and move forward into your next relationship by doing exactly the same thing.

However, if you are not someone who follows the latest trends then just do the opposite of all this. Find a man who wants to make your every day better and do the same for him.

Written by Raymond Bechard

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5 THINGS YOU NEED TO DO BEFORE YOU ENTER THAT RELATIONSHIP

5 Things You Need To Do Before You Start A Relationship... 

A relationship is a very serious business that requires effort, time, passion, trust, commitment, energy, mind, resources, ideas, knowledge, wisdom, and the list goes on and on. Its not a playing ground but a thing of the mind. Its not for babies but for the matured minds. So do we have what it takes to be in a relationship? That should be a personal question. You need knowledge on what it takes so you don’t miss it. Proverbs 19: 20 says "Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy later end”. Wisdom can come from knowing yourself more, reading books, attending seminars, etc.

A man was talking to me about his relationship and he was mentioning so many instances where the girl had acted in some ways he didn’t like. How he wanted to correct and change her and so on and so forth. I later realized that he also had some personal problems the lady has been warning him about. What does that mean? It means, we all have some attitudes our partners are trying to cope with or work on. We are not so perfect yet we search for the perfect being.

So what do you need to start a relationship?………..

1. Work On Yourself: So many have manners and attitudes that can destroy a relationship. We simply need to search our lives. Let’s work on behaviours that are not healthy. Let’s be ready to be corrected, to be humble and to give to another. Being in a relationship is a one way thing. You give and you take. You give your support, care , attention, advice etc and you should get it in return. Be willing to adjust to make your relationship work. Be willing to be with one person and no other. Be ready to plan towards a life time commitment. Be ready to take up your responsibility and so many other things. We are different so we have to work on setting a balanced pace. Let me ask you this: ” If you knew yourself like you know it now, would you want to marry a person like you?”. 

2. Be Ready To Accept The Differences: Don’t always think that your partner would think, talk, act and listen like you do. They are different from you. Stop trying to change it all. Don’t try to be controlling. Learn each other’s love languages and maintain a good and balanced relationship.

3. Be Ready To Close Your Eyes To Other Distractions:Being in a relationship will require your commitment. There would always be other guys and ladies out there so don’t try to date everyone. You shouldn’t be dating 10 ladies because they are for different location. One in your office, school, church, surroundings, long distance , all at the same time. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t be in love with all at the same time. Its only shows that you don’t know what you want for yourself. Be a man about it.

4. Discover Your Purpose: This is so important too. You need to know your calling, ministry, career , etc before you jump into a relationship. Your partner is meant to complement you but how do you know who fits if you don’t know your purpose. God gives us a person that suits our life. You have to discover your purpose and understand it well, so as to know what you want and who you will end up with. Most of us will keep jumping from one girl or man to another due to lack of indecision and maturity.

5. Allow God Direct You: When you are about to start, you need to know God’s mind about the person. Seek the face of God to avoid going in and jumping out. You don’t want to hit the fence with your head, so let God lead, while you follow. He knows who suits you well. You don’t need to date from your secondary school. Just do things at the right time.

 Culled from Positive Minds group on facebook posted by Bulus Shehu

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Too Proud To Apologise To My Own Daughter

One of the things I think many—perhaps, most—of us men struggle with is saying we’re sorry. I know I find it hard. The problem stems from our innate need to always appear strong and without weakness. In some situations this serves us well; many times our families need us to be strong on their behalf.

This strength very often is a gift we as husbands and fathers can bring to our homes. When everything else can seem to be falling apart, we can be a rock solid foundation, keeping everything together. But the fact that we need to be strong for our families, and the reality that our kids need to feel a sense of security, doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for admitting weakness and saying sorry to our partner and kids when we need to.

I know for me, my reluctance to ever appear weak is what triggers my hesitation in saying sorry. Having to say I’m sorry means I messed up; it means I let someone down, or made a mistake that has impacted on my family. It means facing up to the undeniable reality that I’m not perfect. And that’s not always easy.

With my five-year-old daughter, Eloise, there are times when I know I’ve gone too far and allowed my frustration with something she’s doing—or, more specifically, something she shouldn’t be doing—to turn into angry yelling. Even mid-yelling there’s a part of me groaning inwardly that I’ve reached this point, but it’s too late and I struggle to reign myself in.

And then Eloise gives me one of two reactions. She’ll either let out this agonisingly frustrating smirk; or she’ll have a hint of fear in her eyes. Both have a horrible affect on me. The former makes me madder still; the latter makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry.

Yet even when I know I’ve let thing go much too far, I still find it difficult to apologise. Sometimes it feels like every ounce of my being is trying to resist. But I know I have to force myself to go and apologise to her. Being too proud to apologise to my own daughter is not an endearing quality.

Sometimes I do the right thing, but there are also too many occasions when I haven’t. I make excuses to myself. ‘She won’t remember.’ ‘The moment’s gone.’ ‘It wasn’t that big of a deal.’ Deep down though I know I should have said I’m sorry.

The stupid thing is that when I do actually say I’m sorry, it’s no big deal. It’s always much easier than I imagined it was going to be. And it feels good.

 Written by Sam Radford

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MAKE THOSE LITTLE LITTLE FIGHTS COUNT!

Everybody has an annoying trait that irritates the next person: Nagging, ranting, nail biting, open-mouthed chewing, snoring, random channel surfing, off-key singing, foot-tapping, etc. If you don’t think you can be annoying, then lack of self- awareness is your annoying trait. There is an element of intimacy lodged in during every fight.

 Fights can tell a lot about a person: what sets them off, how they handle frustration, and how they mend emotionally. Therefore fighting can be taken as a building exercise rather than a black dot on your permanent record. We may know and understand ourselves better than others, which is why our emotional issues make sense to ourselves; we know their source. I have known myself for… pretty much my whole life, but my partner doesn’t know every single emotional issue I have. Taking enough time and a healthy way to resolve issues can help us understand each other better and maybe even benefit from the different perspective.

Big things have small beginnings Have you ever had one of those arguments where your partner has teleported you from a state of comfort to the frontlines of combat for forgetting to take out the trash or leaving a mess in the room? While that argument may be about the trash or the mess, it is actually more about respect, space or power. The argument is almost never about the immediate issue at hand, but rather an emotional reason lying underneath. Arguing about money is not really about money, it is about power. Arguing about sex is not really about sexuality, it is about intimacy. Arguing about chores is not really about chores, it is about fairness. Arguing about jealousy is not really about fidelity, it is about maturity. But since arguing is logical in nature, it breaks down when we apply it to emotions which is why we are more comfortable yelling about the mess rather than power, intimacy, fairness or maturity.

 

Fight the good fight! Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight! One of the worst things that can happen is dragging the argument to the next day. Cooling things down may result in repressed feelings without addressing the core issue. As long as there are no objects thrown or hitting, anything goes. Release the emotional tension and address what is upsetting you; slam doors if it would help, the important thing is to reveal the issue in order to solve it. Can you get three hours of sleep after the issues are resolved and still be ok at work? Yes, you can! Personally I am too impatient to be able to engage in a fight for days, I feel compelled to dissect the problem immediately to resolve the issue because I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything otherwise. My partner, however, prefers to take a break from the fight to cool off and resolve her issues on her own. So to her, my approach is like hammering the C*** out of S*** to freakin’ death.

People have different approaches to resolving arguments, just like they have different styles of fighting: The Boxer: Goes 12 continuous rounds until the fight is over and he/ she can go home. The Avenger: Neither forgives nor forgets until present and past issues are resolved. Take a hike!: Takes a break until issue is repressed or better mood is restored. The Smiley Face: Passive- aggressive until provoked to resolve the issue. The Forgiver: Lets bygones be bygones. In my case, I would be ‘the Boxer’ and she would ‘Take a Hike’. I would want to solve the issue together now, while she would prefer to take a break and deal with it herself. So we came up with a one-day fighting rule where we take a break if needed, provided we are on the same premises. The end result is that no issue takes more than a day to be resolved, and we develop mutual respect for each other’s fighting styles.

No matter how many hours resolving an issue might take, there is no reason why we can’t play nice outside the ring. Other than arguing, we still need to eat or get things crossed off our to-do-list and mutual daily activities (like eating, grocery shopping, etc.). It helps us refresh, restore, or at least ease, the tension. On the way back from dinner my girlfriend and I had a heated argument. Remembering that we forgot to buy groceries, we went to the supermarket and while asking casual questions (in neutral tones) about what we needed to buy, the tension eased up a bit and we were able to talk things through. By the time we got home everything was great. 

Post-fight rituals The outcome of an argument, if resolved maturely, can be rewarding. After every fight, a small talk about how well the argument went, or even giving each other scores, would give positive reinforcement and motivation to look forward to resolving issues in the future. Having a nice dinner or watching a movie together helps convert the mood from post-fighting awkwardness to an opportunity for a romantic date night. But showing appreciation towards each other’s understanding and acknowledgement of each other’s improvements is the perfect indirect apology; the purple heart of relationships. For me, being in a healthy long-term relationship is like being in a lab creating two adults.

Every fight presents an opportunity for growth and a chance for more intimacy in a relationship. It’s only a matter of choice on how we can take the most advantage out of the fights to nurture ourselves and make it to the other side. 

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