A reader, newly married, asked me to
share my tips on how to make a
marriage work. I wish I had a magic
formula, but here’s a simple list of
tips:
spend time alone together;
appreciate each other;
be intimate often;
talk and share and give.
But just as important as what you
should do is what you shouldn’t do
— and I’m sure many of you have
stepped into these pitfalls
yourselves. I know I have. I’ve
learned from my mistakes, and have
learned to recognize when I’m
making a fatal error, and how to
correct it.
If you can avoid these seven things,
and focus instead on doing the four
things above, you should have a
strong relationship. I’m not going to
guarantee anything, but I’d give you
good odds.
1. Resentment. This is a poison that
starts as something small (“He didn’t
get a new roll of toilet paper” or
“She doesn’t wash her dishes after
she eats”) and builds up into
something big. Resentment is
dangerous because it often flies
under our radar, so that we don’t
even notice we have the
resentment, and our partner doesn’t
realize that there’s anything wrong.
If you ever notice yourself having
resentment, you need to address
this immediately, before it gets
worse. Cut it off while it’s small.
There are two good ways to deal
with resentment: 1) breathe, and
just let it go — accept your partner
for who she/he is, faults and all;
none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to
your partner about it if you cannot
accept it, and try to come up with a
solution that works for both of you
(not just for you); try to talk to them
in a non-confrontational way, but in
a way that expresses how you feel
without being accusatory.
2. Jealousy. It’s hard to control
jealousy if you feel it, I know. It
seems to happen by itself, out of our
control, unbidden and unwanted.
However, jealousy, like resentment,
is relationship poison. A little
jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a
certain level it turns into a need to
control your partner, and turns into
unnecessary fights, and makes both
parties unhappy. If you have
problems with jealousy (like I once
did), instead of trying to control
them it’s important that you
examine and deal with the root
issue, which is usually insecurity.
That insecurity might be tied to your
childhood (abandonment by a
parent, for example), in a past
relationship where you got hurt, or
in an incident or incidents in the past
of your current relationship.
3. Unrealistic expectations. Often we
have an idea of what our partner
should be like. We might expect
them to clean up after themselves,
to be considerate, to always think of
us first, to surprise us, to support us,
to always have a smile, to work hard
and not be lazy. Not necessarily
these expectations, but almost
always we have expectations of our
partner. Having some expectations is
fine — we should expect our partner
to be faithful, for example. But
sometimes, without realizing it
ourselves, we have expectations
that are too high to meet. Our
partner isn’t perfect — no one is. We
can’t expect them to be cheerful and
loving every minute of the day —
everyone has their moods. We can’t
expect them to always think of us, as
they will obviously think of
themselves or others sometimes
too. We can’t expect them to be
exactly as we are, as everyone is
different. High expectations lead to
disappointment and frustration,
especially if we do not communicate
these expectations. How can we
expect our partner to meet these
expectations if they don’t know
about them? The remedy is to lower
your expectations — allow your
partner to be himself/herself, and
accept and love them for that. What
basic expectations we do have, we
must communicate clearly.
4. Not making time. This is a problem
with couples who have kids, but also
with other couples who get caught
up in work or hobbies or friends and
family or other passions. Couples
who don’t spend time alone
together will drift apart. And while
spending time together when
you’re with the kids or other friends
and family is a good thing, it’s
important that you have time alone
together. Can’t find time with all the
things you have going on — work
and kids and all the other stuff? Make
time. Seriously — make the time. It
can be done. I do it — I just make
sure that this time with my wife is a
priority, and I’ll drop just about
anything else to make the time. Get
a babysitter, drop a couple
commitments, put off work for a day,
and go on a date. It doesn’t have to
be an expensive date — some time
in nature, or exercising together, or
watching a DVD and having a home-
cooked dinner, are all good options.
And when you’re together, make an
effort to connect, not just be
together.
5. Lack of communication. This sin
affects all the others on this list —
it’s been said many times before, but
it’s true: good communication is the
cornerstone of a good relationship. If
you have resentment, you must talk
it out rather than let the resentment
grow. If you are jealous, you must
communicate in an open and honest
manner to address your insecurities.
If you have expectations of your
partner, you must communicate
them. If there are any problems
whatsoever, you must communicate
them and work them out.
Communication doesn’t just mean
talking or arguing — good
communication is honest without
being attacking or blaming.
Communicate your feelings — being
hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad,
happy — rather than criticizing.
Communicate a desire to work out a
solution that works for you both, a
compromise, rather than a need for
the other person to change. And
communicate more than just
problems — communicate the good
things too (see below for more).
6. Not showing gratitude. Sometimes
there are no real problems in a
relationship, such as resentment or
jealousy or unrealistic expectations
— but there is also no expression of
the good things about your partner
either. This lack of gratitude and
appreciation is just as bad as the
problems, because without it your
partner will feel like he or she is
being taken for granted. Every
person wants to be appreciated for
all they do. And while you might
have some problems with what your
partner does (see above), you
should also realize that your partner
does good things too. Does she wash
your dishes or cook you something
you like? Does he clean up after you
or support you in your job? Take the
time to say thank you, and give a hug
and kiss. This little expression can go
a long way.
7. Lack of affection. Similarly,
everything else can be going right,
including the expression of
gratitude, but if there is no affection
among partners then there is serious
trouble. In effect, the relationship is
drifting towards a platonic status.
That might be better than many
relationships that have serious
problems, but it’s not a good thing.
Affection is important –everyone
needs some of it, especially from
someone we love. Take the time,
every single day, to give affection to
your partner. Greet her when she
comes home from work with a tight
hug. Wake him up with a passionate
kiss (who cares about morning
breath!). Sneak up behind her and
kiss her on the neck. Make out in the
movie theater like teen-agers.
Caress his back and neck while
watching TV. Smile at her often.
8. Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This
wasn’t on my original list but I just
thought about it before publishing
this post, and had to add it in. Every
relationship will have problems and
arguments — but it’s important that
you learn to work out these
problems after cooling down a bit.
Unfortunately, many of us are too
stubborn to even talk about things.
Perhaps we always want to be right.
Perhaps we never want to admit that
we made a mistake. Perhaps we
don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps
we don’t like to compromise. I’ve
done all of these things — but I’ve
learned over the years that this is
just childish. When I find myself
being stubborn these days, I try to
get over this childishness and suck it
up and put away my ego and say I’m
sorry. Talk about the problem and
work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the
first one to apologize. Then move
past it to better things.
