GUYS: GET THESE INFO BEFORE YOU "FALL IN LOVE"

5 Questions to Ask Before You Fall in Love

Is falling in love worth the risk? Should I guard my heart? These are questions every man asks when he thinks he’s falling in love.

When my wife and I began dating almost twenty years ago, I knew there was something different about her. My best friend was marrying her best friend and, although she and I had met, we really didn’t know each other. By the end of our best friends’ wedding weekend, she and I were dating.

There were so many things running through my head as our relationship progressed. Did I really want to fall in love now? Is this just convenient? How could I be sure she was the one?

Nearly twenty years later, I know falling in love with her was the best decision I ever made. Looking back, I could have been assured falling in love with her was a wise decision a lot sooner if I had asked myself five simple questions. If the answers to these questions are positive, she may just be worth lowering your defenses and falling in love with.

#1 What type of trail does she leave behind?

Does she leave a trail of negative or positive outcomes? Did her past relationships fail due to her actions? Does she still have a good relationship with previous employers or did she leave in a negative way?

Don’t get me wrong: people can change. The problem is most don’t. Most people have previous relationships that didn’t work out. There is usually a pattern, and patterns typically continue to happen. So if she cheated on someone else with you, don’t be surprised if she cheats on you in the future. If she settled for her past relationship and left as soon as something better came along, take notice.

Looking back, I could have assured myself that my wife was the one. She had previous relationships, but not very many. The few she had were relatively long-term and they all ended peacefully. She had a pattern of only dating if she was serious about a relationship. She also had strong relationships with all of her former employers, which showed me she left on good terms. This also showed me she didn’t create a lot of drama.

Study her past for a glimpse into her future.

#2 Who does she spend time with?

I believe with all my heart that I can predict your future simply by seeing who you choose to spend time with. Understand that you are not going to like all her friends and they aren’t all going to like you. Don’t judge her based on one or two of her friends. Judge based upon the actions of the majority of her friends.

If all her friends are boring, make sure you are okay with boring. If all her friends are partiers, make sure you are okay with partying. If all her friends run around on their boyfriends, be careful. If all her friends are focused on their futures, odds are she will be as well.

My wife had friends that I enjoyed being around. (She still does.) I love to laugh, and her friends always seemed to have a good time. When we met, my wife’s friends were all in college working toward brighter futures. There were lines that most of her friends wouldn’t cross, and that was appealing to me.

Take a look at who she chooses to spend time with and it will give you a clue as to who she will become.

#3 Is she focused on herself or others?

This gets to the core of who she is as a person. Does she have compassion? Is she forgiving of others or overly judgmental? Is it always about her? In order for relationships to work, the people involved cannot be selfish. Selfishness is the seed that blooms into action. Selfish action eventually causes most relationships to fail.

Tough times will come. If she’s selfish, she is more likely to quit than to try to work things out when the tough times come. Again, tough times will come. Be prepared.

My wife has always loved kids. She worked at a juvenile detention center when we first started dating because she loved helping kids that had not seen much compassion in their lives. Looking back, this should have assured me that she would support me when I made mistakes. It proved we had a similar desire to help others.

If she is focused on others, she will likely do the same in your relationship.

#4 Opposites may attract, but similarities make them stay

How similar are you? Do you share similar beliefs spiritually or politically? These beliefs usually strengthen over time. This means any divide between you could grow wider and cause friction.

Are you similar physically? If you’re 100 pounds overweight, don’t expect the yoga instructor to stay interested over time. Do you have a similar vision of your future? If she wants kids and you don’t, you will eventually have a problem.

When my wife and I were dating, we talked about everything. There were areas we disagreed about, but for the most part we had the same beliefs and were in similar physical condition. We shared a common vision of what our marriage would look like in the future. These similarities have helped us grow closer while other married friends who were not similar drifted apart.

It is exciting to date someone who is completely opposite of you. Just understand that that excitement will eventually wear off.

#5 Does she inspire you to be a better man?

Have you thought about changing some things you’ve always done? Are you more focused on your future since you started dating her? Are you more health-conscious, goal-oriented, or motivated to be a better man because of her?

My wife is my most trusted adviser and personal cheerleader. She encourages me when I need encouragement and gives me a kick in the pants when it’s needed. It hurts when I disappoint her because I want to be the best I can be for her. She inspires me and makes me strive to grow in all areas of my life.

If she inspires you to be a better man, then she just might be the one.

Take action!

I realize the stats say that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but if you’re the kind of guy who believes the stats, you’re reading the wrong website. Life is short, and time is one resource we’ll never get back. You can waste time puttering around, or you can choose to spend the precious few moments you have left on this earth with YOUR one. If she’s the one, quit waiting and pull the trigger.

  written by Jimmy Burgess


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HEY LADY: BEING TOO INDEPENDENT MIGHT JUST BE THE REASON WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE!

Western society loves its steady junk food diet of independence and autonomy.

We are constantly being force fed the idea of self-sufficiency.

“Become amazing, do it by yourself, don’t complain… Be all that you can be… You don’t need someone else to complete you… Depending on others is a sign of weakness.”

Being overweight on this ‘Me First’ type of thinking has caused us to be severely malnourished in terms of having fulfilling relationships.

When you are overly focused on your needs and your happiness, then you stop focusing on others.  Independence and connection are not mutually exclusive.

But instead of finding a partner we become too independent. We stay busy working on our lives and our selves, to avoid any semblance of connection and intimacy. We fear that if we slow down we will feel the loneliness that our hearts are trying to tell us about.

How To Lean On Others In A Healthy Way

Here are three quick steps to get you back to a place of connection and fulfillment.

1. Challenge Your Beliefs

First off, it’s important to think about where you try to ‘go it alone’ too much. Where in your life are you afraid to ask for help? In love? In your job? From your parents or friends?

And then think about why you try and go it alone. Are you trying to prove to someone that you are capable of being independent? Do you feel like you would be perceived as weak if you asked for help?

Realize that no person can exist completely independently of others. Humans are a social species and we need each other to survive. At a certain point, you’re going to have to let others in.

2. Take Stock Of Your Social Circle

How many people in your life would you say really know you? I mean REALLY know you. They know your fears, your insecurities, your dreams, your aspirations…

If your answer is anywhere between 1-5, that’s amazing. That is already better than most people who report having zero confidantes in their life.

But if you can’t truthfully answer that anyone really knows you, maybe it’s time to start reaching out more often.

3. Listen To Your Fears

You know those things that you’re nervous about doing? Maybe you don’t want to reach out because it will make you look desperate… needy… powerless. Or you fear that it might make you indebted to someone or lower than them in some way?

Well congratulations, whatever whisper in your mind just popped up… you just signed up to do it. Our fears and insecurities can be our greatest teachers when we start listening to them more often.

What Do We Really Need?

The truth of the matter is that, as much as we try to resist it, we need other people. We need them to teach us, to nurture us, to love us, and to help us grow.

And as happy, independent, and self-sufficient as you can become on your own, a much faster path to fulfillment would be embracing the intimacy and community that already exists all around you.

Written by Jordan Gray

 


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FIVE TYPES OF PEOPLE TO AVOID IN DATING

FIVE TYPES OF PEOPLE TO AVOID IN DATING

Dating is scary enough. Here’s a list of people to avoid to make it easier. 

Dating is a trial and error process, a “numbers game” so to speak. One of the only ways to determine what type of person you really want to be with is to be with people who aren’t completely right for you.

But, there are ways to avoid unnecessary heartache and skip over the wrong types of people in a better attempt to find the right one.

Here are five types of people to avoid dating.

The control freak

While this one should be obvious, often times the “control freak” type can be disguised in the beginning of a relationship as someone who just, pays a lot of attention.

Eventually, though, you will begin to feel a little more closed-in and unable to make your own decisions. Additionally, the decisions you do make could feel judged or looked down upon. This is in an effort to mold you into the person he/she wants you to be in order to obtain a role of “power” in the relationship.

Relationships aren’t about power or control — they are about cooperation and collaboration. For this reason, a man or woman who is a control freak is unable to build a healthy relationship with an equal and should be avoided.

Silly Putty

Most of you reading this probably remember Silly Putty. It was a super flexible substance that you could do whatever you wanted with. You could even pull it so hard that it separated apart, but then you could just put it back together again and continue to mold it.

Sure, it was fun to play with, but it wasn’t your significant other. This may look or sound like contradicting the first point, No! Flexibility and compromise in a relationship is important, but so is having your own opinions and point of view which will not be lord over your partner.

Being with someone who doesn’t have their own identity and relies on you for every decision will drain you of energy, and not to mention — bore you to death. As an intelligent, independent adult — your best partner is someone with the same qualities.

The center of the universe

This may also sound and look like another opposite of Silly Putty is that hardened Play-Doh stuff. Remember that stuff? When it would get hard it would have no flexibility at all — it would just stay the way it is and break apart if you tried to do anything with it.

So it goes with someone who is so self-absorbed that everything needs to revolve around them, requiring them to do essentially nothing but be catered to. We should never want to change our partner, but their willingness to be flexible and compromise is essential to ensuring the happiness of both teammates in a relationship.

Additionally, someone who is so concerned with their own self is much less likely to be concerned with your happiness.

The constant complainer

Dating an eternal pessimist is akin to trying to go for a swim with an anchor tied to your ankle. There is a difference between two people balancing each other out, and one who drags another down emotionally.

To try to build a relationship with someone who is always complaining or seeing the negative side of things will be increasingly difficult over time because their attitude will begin to rub off on you (if you let it), and while you may not become as negative, you could easily stop always trying to see the silver lining of a situation because they will keep shooting you down.

If you are a naturally positive person, being with someone else who has a similar attitude will elevate your level of happiness, and anyone who does the opposite should be moved on from.

The ultra-materialistic

Unfortunately, our society and social media have blurred the lines between people who appreciate nice things, and those who live their lives around them. I have noticed this more often lately, as people who have plenty of depth and character are judged because they choose to drive a nice car or wear nice clothes.

That being said, there are of course, still many people out there who will only look to you because of what you can provide for them. While we could just say “gold-diggers,” that term is typically applied to women and I’m keeping this article gender-neutral… anybody can act that way no matter their sex!

Aside from those who try to use you for what you have, there are those who will try to use what they have to “get” you. People who are always trying to impress you with their possessions probably don’t have much else to offer, and should be avoided.

With billions of people in the world, it is impossible to categorize everyone — but there are certain traits we need to be cognizant of in order to maximize our chances of happiness in a relationship.

This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog

(edited)

 



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